12/13/2004

Faith is Scary Trust

I think I finally understand what it means to believe. Up until a few days ago I was under the impression that I had to convince myself that something was true in order for me to believe it is true. I was watching I, Robot the other day and there is this part where one of the robots is saying, "My logic is undeniable," over and over. I sort of realized that God has had to try to convince my mind of His love. So far my mind had been convinced but that only led me to want to be a better person for Him. I wanted to do, do, DO great things for my Lord to show Him how much I love Him! But I was failing miserably. All of the things that I know Jesus wants for me, I am not able to make happen. So I was getting depressed and feeling sorry for myself because I would bite off so much more than I can chew and oh poor me I didn't have the strength to please my Lord.

Then something hit me like the first warm rays of a sunrise from behind the winter mountains. I can't do it. I cannot live the life that Jesus wants for me. I had accepted my weakness, the fact that I am weak. When that happened I had been talking to my Dad and he told me a story about his grace epiphany when he said with joy and elation , "I can't do it!" I had heard the story before but I never understood it like I do now.

Kierkegaard says about faith that it is "In relating itself to itself and in willing to be itself, the self rests transparently in the power that established it."

There is something so important about that statement that gets focused on the least, I think. That statement says, "SELF" so many times that it starts to sound self-ish, if you will. The most important part is "the power that established it." But the truth is that Jesus continually establishes us and renews us and fills us with His strength. But here's the tricky part: belief.

My dad also told me about some of Malcolm's new teachings on faith and fear. He just gave me food for thought and I chewed on it for a while. He said that Malcolm said faith and fear were the same thing. That sounds wrong at first but the truth is, when Jesus was awakened during the storm on the sea he awoke to find everyone BELIEVING in the power of the storm over God's power. They were afraid of what they believed the storm would do, but they weren't believing that God could calm it. Jesus went quickly out and calmed the storm and said, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" If we are afraid of something we believe in it's power. So they had faith in the storm and not in God.

All this being taught to me by the Teacher through my dad and Malcolm, I realize that faith is choosing to believe. I have enough evidence to know that Jesus lives and loves me. Now the scary part is trusting Him. It is EXACTLY like falling backwards into the arms of someone who is invisible but who you know with all your heart will catch you. What a rush! My words really don't do it justice at all because a paradox cannot be explained. All I know is that I can relax now because everything is taken care of. I can sleep below deck while people panic at the apparent doom. Even if it gets really tough, I know that His grace is sufficient for me and that's where my joy comes from. REST.