Back to the City

I got the room! I will be moving in on the first. I am online now to start getting leads for repairing and adorning my resume'. I am excited to say the least. Becky is a sweet girl and I hope that living there will be a breeze. She is really laid back and easy going and that's just what I am looking for. God is good!

I will be going shopping for clothes for interviews and hair style ideas. Hopefully I clean up well because that's about all I have going for me. No receptionist experience but I sure do have a nice telephone voice!


Down the Hill

I am driving "down the hill" to check out a room for rent tomorrow. The girl who is renting it was sweet and charming over the phone. Hopefully it will work out and I can start job-hunting again. Resume, pressed shirts, and posture alert! I am going back out into the job jungle to pick a hamster wheel that I'll be able to tolerate and get lots of peanuts for. I can't help feeling like part of the rat race when I think of Los Angeles/Orange County. At least I'll be back amongst the land of the living.

My mom and I have been watching CSI dvds. She just bought all the seasons on the internet and we have been CSI junkees since her computer has been down. That show is really informative and it reminds me of my mortality. I know it's not really like that in real life, but I figure if you expand the timeframe and put in cheaper equipment and a lot less pretty faces, you'd have a good idea what real CSI situations are like. It sure makes you think about DNA and it might make me a little paranoid at the world around me. But the truth is, murder happens. There's no use denying it, but there's also no use thinking about it 24-7.


The Day I Tried to Live

I am back in Big Bear, CA. Rather than go into detail about why I returned home let's just say: I wasn't ready like I thought I was. I miss my friends back there a lot but I know I made the right decision returning home. The song by Soundgarden really illustrates the way I feel about myself. "The day I tried to live I stole a thousand beggar's change and gave it to the rich." Another part of the song goes like this: "I woke the same as any other day except a voice inside my head said sieze the day, pull the trigger, drop the blade and watch the rolling heads." A little dark and over-violent for my situation but I have found myself in situations where chasing after my whims have really put others in unneeded turmoil. I lost my focus and bit off more than I could chew. So I spit it out and returned to a place where I could think rationally. I will be going down to the city of my birth to check out a room for rent there. Anaheim is a bigger city and the room I found is reasonably priced and the girl seems cool. I want to take some classes at the University of Pheonix to possibly get some kind of degree in human services or human resources. I will work, attend college, and try my damndest not to lose my mind with anymore gambles. The music dream is not dead. Let me say it again a little louder just in case you didn't hear me: THE MUSIC DREAM IS NOT DEAD!!
I really need to learn how to be a good steward with what I have before I take on anything else. That's the lesson as boring as it may sound. I want to live a normal life where the option of driving 2,000 miles for music is not an option and the only way to go about doing things is through hard work and unglamorous conditions. My family has always had to work hard for everything and if it looks too good to be true, it IS. The only thing in life that doesn't have a catch is God's love for me.

I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone who is reading this. Just understand that I am so disappointed and humbled by this experience that I want to hide and disappear. I am considering therapy when I get the money to afford it. I am desperately needing the skill that a lot of successful humans have to stay focused and not be lured away by colorful mirages. Everything is hard work and time with patience...at least everything worth doing is. I am 27 on the 29th of July and I am back to where I started. So much for entertaining others with a gypsy freak lifestyle...it's costing me way too much money and heartache. Lord, I just want to be normal and do things the way that's tried and true...WORK AND NOT GIVE UP.

It's time to grow up for real. No one else can do that but me. I'm like frikkin Peter Pan and the idea of being an adult makes me sick to my stomach like the taste of brussel sprouts. Please tell me there will be a place to keep all the dreams and treasures of my whimsical youth. Please tell me that I won't lose who I am in a hamster wheel wearing beige and following routine. Please, God don't let me become passionless and bland. I suppose those are my biggest fears. I know it's silly, but I've seen it happen and it looks horrible. But they are happy like clams at a clambake; like frogs in the pot. I am trusting God to guide me in this...He won't let my soul get lost in the structure of adulthood.


This Side of the Rockies

The trip was loooooong and my legs often cramped and my knuckles were sore. But I wouldn't trade it for the world! Going through Vegas was trafficky and evil but when I reached Zion in Utah, just the name alone gave me a sense of peace. The red sediment and rock formations gradually came into view and curved hills were on both sides. At one point there was a salt wash that I stopped at. It was so far down I got dizzy and combined with heavy winds, I stayed away from the edge. Utah is truly beautiful in it's way. If I was ever to go and fast in the wilderness I would go there.

Colorado was unmistakable and every hill on the horizon joked around like it was the Rockies. But when I saw the majestic mountain range, it wasn't joking one bit. Snowy peaks stood as far across the surface of the Earth as I could see. The next 6 hours or so would be 6% grades and scary curves. But my favorite part was in a valley when I was driving next to a river on the right and on the mountainside across the water a freight train was chugging along with me. Then to make it absolutely perfect I drove under a mountain through a tunnel lit by yellow lights. I was a kid in a candy shop! Trains, tunnels and flowing river canyons. What else could a roadtripping girl ask for? Ok, maybe a thunder storm. ;)

There were two of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen in my rearview mirror. The first one was in Colorado with sunlight shooting out in all directions through a thin layer of shapely clouds. I gasped and told God, "I want one of those in heaven!" Then I said, "Since it's heaven, maybe I want FIVE of those." God and I had a giggle together. The second sunset was in Iowa and it was a deep red circle that painted everything. It would have been perfect for a photo shoot, but I was determined to stay on the road and make it here in two days. Plus, all I have is a silly little VHS-C video camera with the tape set at SLP for lowest quality picture. That's economy-style recording to you.

After crossing the gigantic Mississippi River I am finally back in my new town of Geneva. We will be going to a new church this morning. Mary, Alex, and Susan are so wonderful to let me crash here for a little while. It is good to hang with my new friends. I will be praying for a room to rent and that I get the job I interview for on Tuesday. If all goes according to plan, I will be a deli-worker in a supermarket by day and a rockstar by night.

All of your prayers got me here safe and the Lord is faithful in his promises. I thank God for everyone I have loved in this life so far and I praise Him that so much love cradles me at night. These are going to be some tough days until I get back on my feet, but Jesus Christ never leaves me and my peace is never gone. Anything that is difficult can only be used to teach me perseverence, humility, surrender, and ultimately that the victory is won! I am not scared because I am learning about His perfect love. He knows exactly what I need and He will provide. In the meantime I will enjoy His marvelous works all around me and wait on His voice to guide me.



I am here at the library in Geneva, IL after two days of driving. I only have ten minutes to write before the computer gets rid of me so I will make this short. Geneva is beautiful and hot with a river running through it. It was first settled by Swedes so don't ask me why they named it after a Swiss city. The people here in Ill are really nice and they are fast drivers, too. I am headed over to the house that Alex and Suze are fixing up to help them but first I think I will hit Starbutts for some real coffee. I am clinging to the Lord in this new place and relying on Him to keep me. I feel the elastic string on my heart stretching from here to Big Bear and it's a little sore. But I know that my people will always be just a phone call away. All I long for is God's will to be done here and there and everywhere! I will write more when I have time...

Praise God for the wonders of Utah, Colorado, and the Mississippi River! His diverse landscapes are an illustration of His creativity. I will have to write about my drive some time soon.




Real Roadtrip Eve

Okay, so packing turned out to be an unexpected hassle. I need to take mad trip to the dump and then fill to the gills my little car.

I should be embarking tomorrow if I stop farting around on internet and get moving. AAAAAAAAAAH!!! Too much crap accumulated!! Must have bonfire!!

Hopefully you won't hear from me for days. Cuz I'll be on the rizz-oad.


Roadtrip Eve

After much deliberation I have decided to go through the Rockies. Rather than print out 33 detailed maps from AAA.com I will be stopping in at the AAA nearest my route and buying an atlas of the U.S. At one point in my trip through Colorado I will be elevated 14,000 feet. That's twice as high as Big Bear's 7,000 feet. Needless to say I am a little nervous about that. But after I visit the AAA office I will ask them if they think it's wise for me to take that route. I have a lot of mountain driving experience and so does my car, I just want to be careful about it.

The alternative is to take the Southern route which is famously called route 66. The only thing about that is it is an extra 300 miles or so and it goes through tornado alley and the ozarks. Basically I will be in the middle of big fat nowhere, u.s.a. Though I wouldn't mind the flatness of the drive, I would be a little nervous about where I chose to stop for sleep. Deserted stretches of highway vs. winding tourist-laden summits...I am used to the latter. However, if my car poops out in the middle of the rockies I will be in a dense forest vulnerable to so many hidden things.

It all comes down to this: fear.

It's just that I don't want to be stupid about my solo roadtrip but I don't want to be overly cautious to the point of distrusting God's provision. Hmmm... that's really what it comes down to. God will provide for whatever decision I make. But the catch-22 that I am seeing is, I must gather up all my marbles of wisdom to make the best decision possible as my part. And God is the One who provided me with that wisdom to begin with. So really, He's fully in control. I love Him...He is my Father. He won't leave me whether I am rounding mountains or covering plains. Whether I am comin' round the mountains when I come or getting my "kicks on route 66" (ruckety ruck) He will be there. Sheesh, it's mostly because I don't want my loved ones to worry about me. Some people are like, "GASP! By yourself?!?" and before they got all worried for me, I was calm. Now I am fighting anxiety and semi-paralysis thinking that I have to buy a gun and drag David or Joseph with me for protection (my buff brother & 'cousin'). Aargh. I will consult the great road trip gurus at AAA and be done with it.

I went fishing with my Uncle Godfather Joe and my cousin (Godbrother?) Joseph yesterday and got a medium rare sunburn on my face. It looks great but it feels like I am wearing a thin leather mask. We went on Joseph's beautiful boat to Catalina Island and I got to fish for my first time as an adult. The whole day I was praising God for the following: calm seas, at least ten schools of dolphins (porpoises), laughing many belly laughs with the guys, and catching the biggest fish of the day. It was a most memorable experience indeed.


Before the Roadtrip

Six days until I get in my car and head for 2,000 miles of road, pizza, and music. I am looking forward to spending some quality time with the angels of the Lord because they will undoubtedly be watching over my trip. I read the most comforting and amazing thing in that book, Knowing God last night. It was in the second to last chapter of the book where he writes about how some Christian evangelists make Christianity look like a breeze. When I was saved by God it wasn't because I was sold that it was the answer to all my problems. I was saved because it was either death-slash-insanity or the hope of an actual life. God reached down into the grimiest of consciousnesses to rescue me and I am eternally grateful. But I knew it wouldn't be easy. Even in the beginning, when the fire of God's life wooed me into ecstatic longing after truth I waited for the catch. What's the catch? Well, Jesus summed it up when He said, "You must lose your life in order to save it." The cool thing about God's grace is that we really have nothing to lose! But the very act of surrender is a victory over darkness and pride.

I was a little scared of my decision to move, but God is so faithful and reassures me with His Spirit. I am going to make the book of Romans my book for the next leg of my journey. I want to eat it up like Chicago pizza. I am sure I will be writing about it a lot.


Sedated in Zeal?

I've been watching so many movies lately and even now my eyes are all buggy. I've watched movies that I will never recommend to anyone and movies that have moved me and provoked thoughts in me. The truth is, as it turns out...

I just want to be sedated. Movies sedate me and make time fly. I am reading and taking care of pre-moving business but time still seems to chew at me like some kind of ankle biter wanting attention. I think I am just so accustom to change that I actually thirst for it. Maybe one of my irrational fears is to be locked into a routine. I can keep a schedule and get to places on time and when I commit to something I follow through, but I long for the flare of the dramatic that change faithfully brings.

One thing that has crossed my mind lately is this: zeal. I didn't see zeal as something too terribly positive until today. In the book I am reading Knowing God by J.L. Packer (Susan loaned it to me, thanks girlfriend!) the author quotes another guy's description of zeal. The description started to sound like how I feel about the Lord. Sometimes I get so angry when people diss God or use the Lord's name in vain. Come to find out, zeal is something the Spirit gives. Up until now I had always called it obsession. I consider myself obsessed with God. In fact, I want to be more obsessed with God.

I don't know if I am on the road to the fullness of zeal but I sure could see myself going there. The pattern of my life is to be obsessed with something or someone at all times. In the past I have always had an image or a picture in my mind of my obsession. I would play reruns of fantasy situations where I say the perfect thing to win someone's affection or I make the perfect move and win the prize of fame and success. It would fill me with glee until I opened my eyes and saw the bleak reality before me. After mourning for a second I would close my eyes again and play the rerun, seeking after that same empty satisfaction within my imagination.

My obsession with God offers me no empty satisfaction by giving me a fantasy to dwell on. I have never seen Him or felt His presence with any discernable emotion. Peace and awe that confounds the mind is the closest thing I can come to when I think of an emotion God may inspire. There is no way to hold onto that peace and awe or try to record it with my memory. It's like trying to capture a moment in time with your hands. So as I lay and try to daydream about God the only thing that comforts me is actually sleeping. When I was a little girl I use to picture Jesus and I running though fields of flowers, laughing in the sunlight. Now that image just reminds me of a Snuggle commercial and instead of Jesus, my imagination inserts that talking teddy bear puppet. My relationship with Jesus is so much more now that cheesy little scenes are almost an insult to the comfort and peace and joy He provides.

I find myself doing something instead of fantasizing. I don't even picture myself doing the Lord's work because it almost feels like I am talking about God like He's not here. Instead I focus my thoughts on His revealed nature. I find so many things to praise Him for that I get overwhelmed and blubbery. This is an obsession that will never get boring and it will never disappoint. I will be praising Him eternally. I am constantly surprised at how much I love Him because I didn't think I had it in me to love this much. Well, I didn't. He has honored me with His mercy and love by granting me His Spirit to change who I am, from the very core of me. How could I ever daydream about anything else?


Manic Joyful

I am joyful because I know Jesus. As a matter of fact, if ever I am not joyful it is because I have forgotten that I know Jesus. I don't only know Him, I love Him. I am excited for myself because I trust in Jesus. If anyone wants to be my friend, they will see how joyful I be. I am finding it harder everyday to be serious about this life. I take morals and sinlessness very seriously, but I am laughing more than is normal for a 27-year-old Christian. Whenever I get down or stressful or anxious or angry I just remember that I love Jesus above all. This life is truly comedic in nature and even death no longer stings. Some things affect my countenance like unneeded suffering because of sin, etc. But the truth is, I'm usually giddy. Trusting in God isn't passive and complacent, though. He is the love of my life and I never want to lose sight of He who is my first love. I am sure troubles and heartache will come, but abundant life is bringing me abundant peace and joy lately. I am a freak when I am this slap-happy! It's a darn good thing that I am a performer by nature or else I might be one of those people that others run screaming from. Most people are as entertained as I am with myself. I wonder what I will be onstage with this joy... can you say "tomatoes"?

No pictures just yet. I am going to deposit my check tomorrow and then I will have some money to pick up pitchies. I wish I had a giant white wall and ten buckets of paint. I wish I had a puppy and a shredded peice of rope. Maybe I should run around the block a little...

I wonder if I am manic-depressive or bipolar or just plain silly.

Me love Jesus. Amen and amen.