2/28/2005

Priorities Please

I want so much for this life. I get overwhelmed at the possibilities set before me and it paralyzes me. But I have decided that I am going to go after the most important thing in life. I want to serve God by being all that I am in Christ. I want to believe wholeheartedly in the grace and mercy of God. Now, that doesn't mean missions and worship and evangelism, not for this girl. I have discovered that I don't belong in the clean-cut society of seminaries and youth leadership. My life has been a perpetual swaying from one side of the road to the other, and it shows. The only example I can be is one of the fallible human woman who is completely dependent on grace for survival. It is a beautiful place to find myself, but it isn't glamorous.

I want to have a family. When I am in love I feel most like myself. So I am moving to Orange County to maybe find love in a greater pool of peers. Auntee is going to help me with my resume and God-willing, I will get a good day job as a receptionist or something like it. I want to learn a martial art and have bible studies. Fellowship is very important and I will make it my mission to join or form a solid support system of believers who can be my three cords, not easily broken.

Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” John 6:29

When faith without works is dead, the above scripture makes it all simple. He is the vine and our work is simply to abide in Him. It is truly a joy to be Christian, even in repentance.

2/10/2005

Bless and Be Blessed

I've spent a lot of time surviving the days. I have saturated myself in scripture, christian mysticism and philosophy books. It's the handicap of having to understand everything with my mind before I can devote myself to it. It's kept me in a sort of educational paralysis. I feel like I have been laying on a chair that has a hole in the back of the headrest with a matrix plug in my skull. Tick... tick... eyeballs wiggling under eyelids... download... download... Spirituality 101... ding... Relationship & Fellowship... ding... Love your neighbor as yourself... d-d-d-ding. The programs keep coming and the information gets packed in. I didn't think I could retain this much information. But there it is stored in my memory files. I refer to them as much as possible. The best way to learn things is to explain them to others. When I can articulate what I've learned, it's then I know what I've learned.

Too often people slug to church and beg, "Lord, please bless me." We have forgotten that we are the salt and we are the light of this world. We are because Jesus is. I think I have been saying, "I wonder who I'll bless today," for a while, though. In fact I could have been so into it that I was getting frustrated when I didn't see the fruit of that fine attitude. And the enemy like a prowling beast pounces and suggests, "well, since you don't see how you are blessing people you are probably just useless." For a while I did feel useless. But now I see that my left hand doesn't need to know what my right hand is doing. I could and should be completely unaware of the blessings God bestows upon people through me. But, I always want the prideful satisfaction of being used for God's kingdom and seeing how cool I am. By grace, my worldly reward is withheld and I am oblivious! I begged and pleaded with God to use me. I yelled to Him, "Where are You in my life?!" All the time the only thing I wanted in my sinners heart was the gratification of knowing I was being used by Him. I thank You Father that You didn't grant this to me. That would have been my reward. Now I know and I pray Holy Spirit that You remind me of this when I start to want that reward instead of the rewards You've promised in Heaven. I want to be so focused on You Jesus that every moment is entrusted to You.

2/01/2005

Revelation #30

God wants me to be happy. I have never really liked the word "happy" because I assumed anything deep and meaningful in life had to be painful. Somewhere in the sickness of my mind I figured that happiness was just to be had in small bursts so that people would be less likely to commit suicide. It's like the monthly or yearly dose from above that keeps the creation barely alive and easily manageable. What a sorry perception I have had up until this point. Now I see that there is yet another fine balance that must be attained. This life is for growing as a branch on the vine; it's about abiding and bearing fruit for the kingdom. That's the best way to put it, thank You Jesus. Abundant life doesn't mean just abundant pain. Pain is NOT the point, it is the pruning process. Pain is what we get through on the way to joy, not the other way around. There is so much paradoxical wisdom that can't be put into words except for maybe in poetry or music. But even in that form it would take a lifetime to explain. The beautiful truth is this: God is my Dad. I want to be the ultimate Daddy's girl. He's not going to spoil me or let me manipulate Him, but He does want me to be happy. As silly as that sounds...

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin