...I was walking the Big Bear streets after all the power had been turned off and a plague had come over the world. People had gone to their roofs to die and now they were dead bodies baking in the sun. I was with my mom. The place we walked also looked like the culdesac I grew up on. She walked out onto Talbert Blvd to explore and I wrapped a blanket around me, covering my nose and mouth as if that would protect me from the plague, and chased after her. She acted more like a friend on an adventure than a worried mom. ...It was tempting to loot the little shops but I saw a teenage girl doing it and I was like, "It's a good thing you have that little knick knack now!" all sarcastic and bitter. The thought of stealing from the dead made me sick after I saw it happen first hand. ...Randy was in my dream too. He died this year, in real-life. He shows up now and then in my dreams. He was my boyfriend once when I was 15 and once when I was 17. He kinda symbolizes something in my dreams. I'm not sure what. Or maybe I just miss him and hate that he's dead.
I just wish Jesus would come back, already.
I have been thinking a lot about the second coming today. I really hope it's soon. My soul aches for the day. I'd like to see it in my lifetime, but if I die before that day, I know I will rise and join Him in the sky before all the living. The dead in Christ rise first. But I won't do anything to speed my own death even though the thought of sleeping the time away until Jesus wakes me up is a pleasant one. It's more like a lazy thought, huh? I will follow His guidance and do what He puts in my heart to do even though I can't seem to understand what it means to live on this earth. I know I can sing and that I can get my priorities straight when I want to. I know that sometimes you have to just hold your breath and jump in, trusting that God has your back. I also see how easy it is for humans to obey every other master but the Original Master. The world is full of lies and for a creature that hungers after truth, it can be an utter wasteland. Sometimes I catch myself buying the lies just so I don't feel truth-starved for the moment. "Really? I really CAN be happy and fulfilled if I make that kind of money?" So I buy it and the very nature of lies is thin and sharp like broken glass. You went to reach for reality and instead you got "reality television" and now your knuckles are bleeding. Not to mention you have to replace the box before the kids wake up from their coma screaming for attention or Spongebob and your husband growls at the lack of Monday night Football.
We see now as through a glass darkly, then we will know as we are known. Perseverence for the Kingdom's sake is my path and dream now.
I know it's not about feelings but I can't help reminding myself that I do feel. But bland guitar and falsetto vibrato do not properly express what I feel when I sing, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord O my soul!"
Maybe I need to join a different church. I am sure God will lead me to one when we finally settle. I don't even mind if I am the only one singing from my toes...well, that's not true. I do mind if I am the only one. I shouldn't mind, though. It's how I sing to the Lord. One day God may plant the zeal and courage in me to burst out in the middle of a sleeping worship service. People might get ad at first, or startled. But perhaps they will hear the genuine love I have for God and how He saves me and keeps me whole.