Just when I think I won't get the hang of faith, God shows His faithfulness and opens my eyes even more. In the past it has always been a case of "I know what I want to do, but I am powerless to do it." So I surmised that the only option was to give up, apologize for straying off the path, and change direction. I couldn't see how things could work out. I couldn't see the possibility. But I'm learning that God doesn't necessarily show His glory in possibility but in impossibility.
If I listed all the times I failed to have faith it would take me the rest of my life. It's not regret that I feel but a sense of awe and a new, infinite realm of possibility. "You mean, LORD, it's when I couldn't see around the corners that the most amazing things were sure to happen? When You had led me to that place where I couldn't see one foot in front of me, You had something from Your glory planned especially when I didn't have a clue?"
I marvel at where I might have been if I'd had faith instead of fleeing when the adventure seemed perilous. But, of course, the portion of faith I'd had never could have sustained me through those times. That's how God wanted it. It stings when I think of what I might have missed out on if I had been given more faith in those situations. I believe God kept a measure of faith from me so that my life would progress in His time. I know He has given me more faith now because I can see my faith in my actions...
I have been through some grating times lately. I called out Jesus' name and begged Him to help me. I was so tempted to just give up like I have before, admit defeat and crawl back into God's arms to mourn. But there was something so dark and terrible about the thought of giving up this time; it felt like death or sickness. It felt like leaving God's will. So I cried out and prayed right in the middle of an emotional stage-5 hurricane. Things didn't get better right away but I kept getting confirmations from the Holy Spirit that I was to be steadfast and trust in God no matter what my mind was telling me. I was psychologically spent and my only reaction was to have faith and say very few words. As time went on I saw the Lord at work. I held my tongue and clung to the Lord's promises no matter what my mind yelled at me. There were times when my wild imagination feared the worst, but I was quiet and trusted in God to protect me from the evil one. This amazed me. My blood pressure didn't even increase like it normally did when I imagine such things. Those irrational fears had once been an adrenalized IMAX movie in my head but now they were a scratchy silent horror flick with cheap special effects. As the Truth becomes more vivid to me and it leaves the lies looking as one-dimensional as they actually are. It's only in believing the Truth that we are given the Faith to persevere. And it's only in eating the Truth for every meal and every snack that we get a taste for believing it. This world has been feeding us lies since birth so that we all learn to enjoy them by sprinkling them with a little Truth. But we are what we eat and Truth as merely a seasoning won't do anything but help us swallow pounds of cooked Lies. Go on a spiritual fast from this world by diving into the Word instead of television, movies, news, the internet, or other forms of worldly influence. You'll see what I mean when suddenly the thought of eating the things you used to swallow whole makes you want to vomit.
God really does give us portions of faith according to His will. I may not have the faith to be physically healed from addiction, but I do have the faith that God is healing my heart from a past filled with sin. It's by His merciful attention that we are here today and it's only by Him that we live on. Hallelujah!