I find (define?) myself through movies, a lot. Some of the roles that Gwyneth has played have helped to show me what I am. If it hadn’t been for the movies I’ve seen, would I ever have found my monster? She is stark and beautiful with an insanity that is constantly being exposed as genius. But she is hopelessly mad. Since I could put sentences together, I have been writing what is in my soul. The words that are joined into ideas present themselves on a page or a screen and reflect back to me an affirmation. Yes, this is who you are. Tonight I heard the words, "How many days have you wasted?" It was a movie about crazy mathematicians who counted every thing and every pattern. I don’t count things but I know the patterns. They are not numeric patterns but patterns of story. My mind is not healthy enough to capture an equation, put the boundaries on it, and call it a "proof". The patterns shine in an instant and illuminate my heart and in another instant they are gone, leaving only their glowing echo.
I have memories of revelations, but they are like the image of the sun that leaves a white spot on the inside of my eyelid. Sometimes I will stare directly at a ceiling light in a room at night, drop my lids for two seconds, and then open my eyes to allow the light into another part of my eye. If you do that enough it leaves dozens of beautiful dots on your brain. The darkness is so much more enchanting with stars in it. My life has been full of the flashes of oncoming car headlights that leave me so disoriented in the dark that even the white line on the right side of the road can’t keep me on course. By grace, going off-road hasn’t been too difficult for my vehicle. I still drive, sometimes creeping through the black darkness waiting for some sign that I’m not headed for destruction. God provides.
Mathematicians call them equations, people like me call them metaphors. Gwyneth must call them good scripts because she takes the parts. Did those movies create those parts of my soul or just reflect to me what was already there? I wouldn’t give Hollywood’s writers too much credit but I may be inclined to give some credit to Charles Dickens, William Shakespeare, and Sylvia Plath. Truthfully, the credit goes to God. If I hadn’t been born in America to two people who refused cable television in exchange for renting movies every night I never would have gotten such an education. I’m thankful to God for the stories that have helped me to find myself. Because I believe He made me this way and provided the means by which I could discover myself. It’s harder to believe that He made me with a blank soul and allowed the influences in my life define me.
Maybe God created humans in the time-space continuum to add variety to Heaven. When you think about it, angels have had eternity as their time and influence, and God Himself. Seeing as how God created this universe and everything in it, I doubt He is lacking in variety. But He is not lacking in light and love. By allowing a creature to find the light in the darkness rather than just birthing them within the light, He makes a creature that can appreciate light infinitely more. I think it also allows all the creatures to know that light and love are good and worth choosing over something else. Paul says that we will judge angels and I’m assuming he means the fallen angels. He could also mean the unfallen angels who have never been corrupted by Lucifer but who have loved their King despite having never known any other ruling force but Him. I shouldn’t talk about things I know nothing about. But it’s so wonderful to talk about them! In this life I am free to wonder because after this life (if you can call this ‘life’ compared to the Eternal Life that’s to come) I will know as I am known. I believe in Heaven I will have all the answers to the questions that right now require me to have faith. Why did God create time? How did God create matter and space? When was Truth staring me in the face and I didn’t recognize it as Truth?
Lights. Truth. It passes me again and gives me hope that all is not darkness on this strange road. The last Light I see with these eyes will be Him. It won’t pass me on the left or leave me blinking and squinting again in black unknowing. It will be eternal and this whole existence will find it’s answer in Him.