Getting lost in my head isn't a good idea. I had the massive therapy session with Emily the other night. We were trying to figure out if I was making the same mistakes with my heart that I've always made. I am. But this time it's different. Not that the results will be different, they will probably be the same. But this time I don't care all that much about results. That sounds careless and stupid and so it is. I am careless and stupid sometimes with some things, always have been.

Believe me, I've been put in my place by God plenty of times. I know the areas where I tend to just wing it. The responsible christian thing to do would be to abstain from those areas of life and allow God to change me in order to prepare me for those temptations. That would be the responsible christian thing to do. I'm not a responsible Christian. I am a hopeless rebel with weaknesses beyond most christians I know.

But let me espouse on some therapizing of self. Not too much, but some. I give other people breaks a lot because I believe I have enough for myself. I settle for the scraps at the end of the feast not because of humility but because of pride. I would rather leave a persons life completely than be a burden to them. If I don't make a situation better by being somewhere then I want out. If I fail then I feel like dying. Other people can make me feel guilty easily. I like to fulfill peoples' needs and watch them become dependent on me. I hate when they become spoiled and expect that I need nothing in return. If I ask for something they laugh in my face and tell me I'm wrong for wanting it. Laugh in my FACE! Those are the kind of people I surround myself with. So I am convinced that I can adjust to any circumstance because I have to. I will be the martyr until I can't take it anymore and I feel homicidal or suicidal. Then I leave and try to find some scraps at some other table. There are very few things in this life that I believe I truly need. I HATE shopping for myself (or anybody else for that matter). I get burnt out on good deeds pretty quickly. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to have others do anything that I could have done myself. I feel owed. I want to be such an asset that my absense is felt strongly.

Just some random thoughts about myself. I really don't guard my heart very well at all. The good things I do for people end up being void by my bad attitude toward their ingratitude. I don't care about getting a 'thank you', it's when they start to expect it and so they drop the ball. Then when I stop, they somehow feel I've cheated them. That's when I like to leave a situation and show them what it would feel like to be without all those neat things.

I just want to be loved the way I love others. But whenever someone tries, I discourage them. "You don't have to do that." I don't want them to feel obligated to pay me back. I want them to do it with a sincere heart. I don't want to be a burden, so if they have any grudge against doing it I refuse it. AUGH. wretched man that I am....


It's All Him

Today I'm suppose to play one of my songs for the church I go to. I haven't figured out why the pastor would have wanted me to play after I've only been going to that church for under a month. It's going to be casual and poorly planned, but as Christians they should be pretty forgiving. If they aren't that's their problem. They can take up their judgments with God. That's how I see it anyway.

I don't know exactly what I'm doing these days but I know I am sick of having a sore throat and stinky clothes. The only problem is, until I quit the restaurant/bar it's going to be really super hard to stop smoking (blah blah blah fill in the rest with your favorite rationalization). Emily and Casey are totally nonsmokers but I can't seem to bring myself to stop. Maybe I will try it during my two-week Christmas vacation from work. I'll need to save my pennies during that time anyway. I could be saving so much money! $5.00 a PACK! I could be saving my voice! I could be helping my heart! What is my problem?

I don't WANT to quit. I don't care about my lungs or my heart or even my voice. I don't think about consequences; I believe that I can avoid them somehow. Plus, it's those ten minute retreats that I have from reality where I keep my time for myself. It's like the one thing I have control over. It's the illusion that I am in control of this addictive behavior that is addictive. When I am actually powerless over it. It's ruining important parts of my days. But it's not the chemical addiction that's difficult to overcome...it's my own mind. If I loved more I would quit. But there is still a sense of rebellion and distrust in my heart. That one day God is going to give me what I deserve and at least I'll have smoking to comfort me then.

I am like a child trying to manipulate a parent or teacher. Either I scream and complain or I hurt myself to try and get my way. I am SO reluctant to give over all control to God. I don't even trust my motives for loving Him. He has to be the reason for all of my faith and hope and love. His grace is sufficient. My plans are brought to nothing while His continue to be played out. Thank GOD! What an amazing work You are doing. Thank You for calling me a friend and showing me some secrets to help me trust You more. It's really all You, LORD.


Kill Your TV

Thoughts on a Thanksgiving Day:

I swear people need to stop watching television.

I'm so anti-television these days. I see the influence in all my peers. There is a lot of television-watching going on around me now. I thank God today (Thanksgiving) that He kept me away from regular television throughout my youth. Commercials and news are poison to a child. The two-hour movies that we watched every night gave me the idea that life happens in two hours. It's taken me long enough to begin changing that programming. Imagine if I'd been filled with 30-second spots my whole life. I weep for my generation. Whenever I see how television has influenced someone, I flinch because I know that it's not really who they are. Hours upon hours of watching TV is going to show. Thanksgiving Day people watch a LOT of TV. The parade, the football game, the sci-fi marathons. I am one to watch the Twilight Zone marathon if I can catch it. It's tradition to get tripped out on tryptophan and run on beta waves until pumpkin pie time. Some people nap, others zone out. It's expected of us.

I've been infatuated, fantastical, heartbroken, confused, frustrated, blissful, calm, and finally I am content. I'm content to wait on the LORD to see what becomes of us. No expectations or complicated assessments. My eyes are steady on God.


Decisions Decisions

I dreamt last night that I was hanging on the side of a grocery store display case that was submerged in the ocean. It wasn't floating. It was a grocery store but below it was dark ocean depths. I was wearing a bathing suit and Emily was there with me. It was like hanging onto the side of a pool and kicking our feet around in the water. We were chatting it up about...eternity. I remember saying one thing, "I don't think the challenges stop when we pass on, I think this is just practice trusting God now. That's why it will be hell for some people..." Then I got distracted by some kind of doll that was displayed, but really I wanted to think about what I'd just said before I said anything else.

I don't know whether or not to keep the restaurant/bar job so I guess I'll wait and see. I've been refusing extra shifts though. So I have already taken steps toward quitting. I don't know if that's stupid or what. I have three weeks of holiday unemployment coming up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm thinking about all the money crap I need to think about...am I trusting God?

I've been listening to Charles Stanley's series called, 'The Ways of God" and it's really good. The last one was "God's schedule." It's funny how much humans try to manipulate God. If we fast and pray enough then God will work faster, right? Wrong. We do all we can sometimes to beg and plead with Him, but He knows what is best for us and only grants us grace enough for His plan. (Proverbs 19:21) God's plan prevails always.

In Micah 2:1 he mentions that we are able to carry out plans of iniquity. But I recall time and again when the LORD God foiled the plans of man for His own purposes in the New Testament and the Old. Is being more dependent on God for my finances a lazy thing to do? Am I quitting the stinky, worldly bar for God's sake or because I'm tired of giving up my evenings? I suppose it's all in the motives. I got bronchitis and then I had to constantly breathe second-hand smoke for hours. I also enjoy working there in a social, worldly way. I am good at it. Hmmmm.

Pray 4 me.
Pray for my friend David.
Pray for my roommates.


Pondering Myself and God

So let me get this straight. You don't read the bible, in fact you hardly know it. Yet you understand that trusting God is the most important thing in life. You don't go to church but you believe that Jesus Christ died for everyones' sins and you also call Him your Savior. You haven't pined over religious theology or fought your way into proper fellowship, yet you and I ended up in a similar spiritual place. Compared to you, I know the bible really well. I go to church and listen to preachers and you pray and wait on the LORD. I have actually learned that praying and waiting on the LORD is important, thanks to you. But I still don't understand you.

I'd like to jump to some conclusions about you so that I can safely fit you into a box that I can define. But I know that the box would only deprive me of the truth that's being slowly revealed about your character. I don't like 'slow'. I'm a product of my fast generation.

I'm going to stick to pondering myself. I'm on the edge of something that I don't quite get. Or maybe I get it but I doubt it. I don't doubt that I get it. Or maybe I do. Doubt has put me here facing a dead end. Where was my wrong turn? Backtrack. Oh crap, maybe it's not a dead end. Is that a wall ahead or the path going uphill in the distance? Wait a second, I'm not alone here.

God has me. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows my future and my innermost parts. That which is unknown to me is completely known to Him. Abba, I'm edgy. Why am I so edgy?! Is it the 1500 mg Vitamin C that I took today and yesterday? Is it the amazing conversation I had on the phone with one of my friends last night? Is it the enemy? Are you going to answer that question? Are You there? How many fingers am I holding up? Hello?

I'm working tonight, THANK GOD!! I really didn't want to but now I see that it's providence from Heaven that I am. I have sniffles and what Emily calls a 'sty' on my lower eyelid. But I'm gonna work and try not to think about boys. That's usually why I'm edgy. I shouldn't have thought I would be off the hook so easily. His way is a NARROW road and a very difficult one to stay on sometimes. Things will press in on each side and powerful temptations will call to me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I think God just told me something...

He wants to be the person I depend on before anyone else. He wants me to see how beautiful people can be and then He wants me to see that He is infinitely more beautiful. If my heart swells at the sight of something He created and taught has shaped over time, what will my heart do at the sight of God, Himself? It will definitely explode.

You know what lie I was believing before just now? I believed that I had to die to experience the love of God. I mean, I believed that I had to leave the temporal existance to truly know His love and His presence. The enemy was telling me that. The enemy used my good feelings toward the LORD to paralyze me with longing and make me suicidal. I am deeply loved by God and therefore deeply in love with Him. What can a beloved do but long to be with her love? So I was pushing God's love away because I thought it would make me more suicidal. I have obsessed that way over guys. The longing tore me up inside as I continued to internalize it. But I was wrong about longing for God. He's not in some distant place...

He's always here and I always have Him. What's there to long for that I can't experience right now? I understand that I am limited by certain aspects of time, but God isn't. I don't know what He will do, but I believe He loves me. He understands me better than I understand myself. He sees me in completion while I rest upon His promise to complete me. I can be confident because He always sees me, always protects me, always guides me, always reminds me.

What can I do for Him? I have all these churchy ideas about missions and discipleship. There are many things I would love to do for Him. But I'm not going to run with any of them. The only thing I'm going to run with is obeying Him in every moment. The one day perhaps I'll look up and I will have accomplished more than I'd ever dreamed of accomplishing. And it would have been all His idea and all His strength and all Him. LORD help me stay on the path.



I watched a movie the other night and it's been a while since I watched a movie. It was about a 37-year-old divorcee who falls in love with a 23-year-old boy. It turns out that they don't live happily ever after but they make some pleasant memories and move on with their lives. They are just at different stages and the woman is the one to make the executive decision that it won't work. The movie made me think. Not that I am 37 yet, or really understand being on the sunny side of forty, but I do understand being with a man/boy who is unable to fulfill my needs. He wants to, but he can't.

My "Needs". The big "N" word. "...my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 That was Paul talking to the church that gave him financial support. But Jesus also mentioned the fulfilling nature of God the Father. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you...Hallelu..Hallelujah." So my needs are met and I SHALL NOT WANT.

But I do want. Oh boy do I want. I've been able to distract myself for a while but I'm starting the get restless heart syndrome (RHS). This may be because of a monthly hormone imbalance that all females suffer from. But it may be because I'm a freak.