Therapization

Getting lost in my head isn't a good idea. I had the massive therapy session with Emily the other night. We were trying to figure out if I was making the same mistakes with my heart that I've always made. I am. But this time it's different. Not that the results will be different, they will probably be the same. But this time I don't care all that much about results. That sounds careless and stupid and so it is. I am careless and stupid sometimes with some things, always have been.

Believe me, I've been put in my place by God plenty of times. I know the areas where I tend to just wing it. The responsible christian thing to do would be to abstain from those areas of life and allow God to change me in order to prepare me for those temptations. That would be the responsible christian thing to do. I'm not a responsible Christian. I am a hopeless rebel with weaknesses beyond most christians I know.

But let me espouse on some therapizing of self. Not too much, but some. I give other people breaks a lot because I believe I have enough for myself. I settle for the scraps at the end of the feast not because of humility but because of pride. I would rather leave a persons life completely than be a burden to them. If I don't make a situation better by being somewhere then I want out. If I fail then I feel like dying. Other people can make me feel guilty easily. I like to fulfill peoples' needs and watch them become dependent on me. I hate when they become spoiled and expect that I need nothing in return. If I ask for something they laugh in my face and tell me I'm wrong for wanting it. Laugh in my FACE! Those are the kind of people I surround myself with. So I am convinced that I can adjust to any circumstance because I have to. I will be the martyr until I can't take it anymore and I feel homicidal or suicidal. Then I leave and try to find some scraps at some other table. There are very few things in this life that I believe I truly need. I HATE shopping for myself (or anybody else for that matter). I get burnt out on good deeds pretty quickly. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to have others do anything that I could have done myself. I feel owed. I want to be such an asset that my absense is felt strongly.

Just some random thoughts about myself. I really don't guard my heart very well at all. The good things I do for people end up being void by my bad attitude toward their ingratitude. I don't care about getting a 'thank you', it's when they start to expect it and so they drop the ball. Then when I stop, they somehow feel I've cheated them. That's when I like to leave a situation and show them what it would feel like to be without all those neat things.

I just want to be loved the way I love others. But whenever someone tries, I discourage them. "You don't have to do that." I don't want them to feel obligated to pay me back. I want them to do it with a sincere heart. I don't want to be a burden, so if they have any grudge against doing it I refuse it. AUGH. wretched man that I am....