Weighting for a Clue

You know when you want to rely upon someone but you see already that they are relying upon you first? Then you have to choose to be the support or to ask them for support instead. Usually I am holding them up and I don't mention anything about how I'm getting weaker by the second. There never seems to be a good opportunity. Oblivious, they add more weight to my load and I just can't hold it anymore. I drop them with a loud crash. They are shocked and usually unable to recover. I regretfully take my leave while they try to convince me I've betrayed them.

People think I can handle more than I actually can. Why do I wear this superhero uniform? Is it my fear of being ordinary? Maybe it's my fear or being insignificant. If I am a normal person with needs then I will be pushed into the gutter and flushed down the storm drain, lost in the shuffle. But if I have an air of confidence and invincibility I will be picked first by the team leader. I’ve convinced myself that I can handle so much that I get in over my head. But my pride has turned to apathy. It’s lonely at the top.

I am this benevolent force to be reckoned with. No wonder my relationship with God is suffering. He is the only force to be reckoned with and I am reluctant to give up my throne. I’m terrified because I’ve placed myself in a situation that requires me to be indestructible. So I sweep all those warnings of war under the rug and wait until I hear the trumpet blasts of the enemy. My kingdom must be destroyed if I am to bow to Jesus as King.

It all sounds so romantic and huge. Really it’s silly human garbage. We all go through this in one form or another. Surrendering to God is not in our nature, though we were created for just that! Does that make sense? No it doesn’t. I am dog-paddling in circles around my own mind. This is why I need fellowship with another human. Writing is helpful in many ways but mostly it makes my nonsense thinking sound like sophisticated philosophy. The last thing I need is to sound like I know what I’m talking about. Because I am clueless! I want to shout it from the rooftop of my castle! I’M CLUELESS!!