"Good works authenticate our faith and a godly life affirms that the Spirit of God is working in our lives." - The Broken Messenger (www.brokenmessenger.com)
I'm not so sure the Spirit of God is working in my life. Except He does notify me of my sin. I repent and have the silly hope that I will not sin again in the same way, but the hope is dashed when I find myself suffering consequences of yet another stray from God's path.
My desire to be loved by boys is very strong and powerful. It even dulls the desire to do the right thing for God. Of myself I don't even want to stop sinning. It's only God's Spirit that will transform my desires, right? It's a doozy. I have been "boy crazy" since I was 5 years old. FIVE!!! And I think boys were crazy for me when I was even younger if I remember a certain nasty episode correctly. Lust has been such a big part of my life for so long it's no wonder that it's embedded in my heart so vehemently.
Yesterday Jon pulled a fat tick off of my Sophia. Ticks are nasty little parasites. I've seen them the size of a man's thumb out here. They are all grey and full of fluid. They have such a good grip that it takes tweezers and finesse to get them to let go. And they HAVE to let go otherwise their heads break off and stay in the skin. Then another tick grows from the head, this time it's a lot uglier. Just thinking about ticks makes me feel icky. Why did God make them? What's the point, LORD?
Perhaps one reason is so that I would draw this conclusion: Ticks are like habitual sin. I have a GIGANTIC one called Lust. It's invisible to everyone except God and me. I believe Jesus' Spirit can remove this tick, but until I believe He loves me enough to help me through the separation anxiety and the brand new existance that would mean for me, I am unwilling to hold still long enough for Him to put His tweezers on me. Will this stupid tick be the end of me? Oh Lord, I beg You to help me understand Your love. That Your love is worth the huge discomfort and the pain of separating from a lifetime of engrained habits.
I just picture Jesus pleading for me before the Father, "Give this child more time." It's like the fig tree. The gardener cared for the trees so much he pleaded to the Master for them. Though they were unfruitful and taking up space, the gardener believed in them. Oh Jesus please don't give up on me. I have been overcome with Lust since I was little more than a baby. The one thing I have sought more consistently than Truth has been love from a man. Do what You have to do to prune the dead parts of me before the gangrenous infection spreads and I wither at Your hand because it was too late to help me. When the King requires my soul of me I want to be ready for Him. But this lifetime of sin won't let me go on my own. Help my unbelief. It's hard to believe that You would really change me and my life so completely and drastically. Quickly? Maybe You are taking Your time because this kind of change takes time. Maybe You are waiting for me to choose something? To surrender? I understand now that nothing is impossible for You. If you want to, You can heal me.