Wretched Hamster

I repented recently. It's none of your business what for, but I'll say it was a good idea that I did. The reason is simple. My body and soul do not belong to me, they were bought at a price. First I was brought into this world by God and I am sustained by God. Then I was called by God and saved by God. Now His Holy Spirit lives in me and I am being sanctified by God. I am His. Which makes this other realization even more unsettling:

Every fiber of my sinful nature hates that I don't own me. I can feel the rebellion like cancer in my heart that wants to deny God's love to satisfy it's appetite for gratification. 'Wretched man that I am' is an understatement. It's like darkness and light fighting over my will during every choice I make. Yes, I repent. Then I am at the mercy of Jesus Christ to not spin around and commit the same sin I just repented for.

I realize I've had it easy. All my depression and anguish and confusion was cake compared to what I am suppose to face. It was easy to wallow and go nowhere with my faith. I was caged like a hamster in my sinful nature and when I needed grace to run on my little hamster wheel I would scamper over to the water feeder and sip a drop or two. The door to my cage has been open for a while now. I am looking from the hamster wheel to the door and back again. And back to the door. Hmmm, the enemy prowls around like a lion looking for whom he may devour. No wonder I have stayed in my little cage of fruitlessness. But I'm not a hamster I am a sheep. I have a Shepherd and I am never alone. Where is my faith? I haven't needed much faith in the safety of my prison. It seems like I'm always standing on the threshold.

Jesus God help me. Help me not to try and see into the future unless it is the future of Heaven and resting with You forever. Help me to forget myself in favor of remembering You. Help me to remember that my body belongs to You and it is unethical for me to use it for selfish purposes. Help me withstand the onslaught of temptations that face me in this decadent society. Help me to love those around me instead of running from them. Help me run from them when I am called away from them by You and only then. Lead me guide me by Your Spirit. By the blood of the Lamb I pray.

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