9/28/2009

Quiet Time

Time reserved for God and I. Susanna Welsey flipped her apron over her head if she couldn't find a room to pray in. With ten active children, she managed to set aside time each day for God. I have one child and one on the way. How is it that my day is so noisy, busy, and lacking in productiveness? Pregnancy is a groggy and sluggish thing these days so it's no surprise that I use it as an excuse to do even less. The things I do set aside time for are usually passive things decided by my toddler, husband, or others. When I have time where no is asking anything of me, I use it to be self-indulgant. Instead of sowing in areas of life that will produce fruit I resort to old familiar gratifications. After allowing myself to be pulled and pushed by other people and even the dog, I feel more like a victim that needs to just rest and baby my imaginary bruises and scratches. It's all my fault.

I fear hurting people and losing love. I fear failure in the areas I know nothing about, the fruitful areas. Questions plague my head when I begin to step in the healthy direction: What if I'm no good? What if I tell them "No" and they get hurt and offended? Silly questons that anyone who's done anything worthwhile has answered. They answer those questions with perseverence. When they hurt someone, they endure the criticisms and guilt trips and apologize. But they hold their ground. If they are right, they come out with a clean conscience. When they fail at something they begin again having learned a priceless lesson just for them. They don't have to gather their audience for a pity-party and then reason away all future attempts with excuses.

I have written lists of projects I would love to start. I have even been given the tools and time to begin learning about these things. My obstacles are patterns I have setup with my child and my friends and family. It's my own fault that they have come to expect this passive behavior from me. It's so much easier to give others the responsibility for my actions in my mind. But I am going to be accountable for everything I do with this vessel...