Just Try to Keep Up

Quiet Time

2009-09-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

Time reserved for God and I. Susanna Welsey flipped her apron over her head if she couldn't find a room to pray in. With ten active children, she managed to set aside time each day for God. I have one child and one on the way. How is it that my day is so noisy, busy, and lacking in productiveness? Pregnancy is a groggy and sluggish thing these days so it's no surprise that I use it as an excuse to do even less. The things I do set aside time for are usually passive things decided by my toddler, husband, or others. When I have time where no is asking anything of me, I use it to be self-indulgant. Instead of sowing in areas of life that will produce fruit I resort to old familiar gratifications. After allowing myself to be pulled and pushed by other people and even the dog, I feel more like a victim that needs to just rest and baby my imaginary bruises and scratches. It's all my fault.

I fear hurting people and losing love. I fear failure in the areas I know nothing about, the fruitful areas. Questions plague my head when I begin to step in the healthy direction: What if I'm no good? What if I tell them "No" and they get hurt and offended? Silly questons that anyone who's done anything worthwhile has answered. They answer those questions with perseverence. When they hurt someone, they endure the criticisms and guilt trips and apologize. But they hold their ground. If they are right, they come out with a clean conscience. When they fail at something they begin again having learned a priceless lesson just for them. They don't have to gather their audience for a pity-party and then reason away all future attempts with excuses.

I have written lists of projects I would love to start. I have even been given the tools and time to begin learning about these things. My obstacles are patterns I have setup with my child and my friends and family. It's my own fault that they have come to expect this passive behavior from me. It's so much easier to give others the responsibility for my actions in my mind. But I am going to be accountable for everything I do with this vessel...

Life is what HE makes it

2009-06-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

The baby is asleep with a fever and my husband is fishing with a friend from work. Here I am with the laptop and the couch and maybe even the time to write. Can life be so rich and full that we cannot fathom each moment? I have gone from broken divorcee to happily married mother with another baby on the way. All of this in a mere three years. My last blog entry was the end of life as I knew it. A new kind of love crashed into my heart with an eternal purpose that has taken many rough spots and smoothed them.

My baby girl is 16 months old now. I am thirty...years old; I don't know how many months that is. There is another life in my womb that is three and a half months in the making. My husband and I finally married a week and a half ago on June 6th 2009. We had been engaged for a year and a half and committed for life since we decided to get pregnant the first time. It was no accident, we knew exactly what we were trying for. The love we have in God's hands is so big and beautiful that it seemed wrong not to bring a life to share it with. People wonder, "Why bring a child into this awful world?" But in Jesus Christ's Kingdom there is only Him and His purposes. They say life is what you make it. I disagree. Life for God's children is what He makes it.

He took a broken and selfish sinner and made a strong and healthy married mother. I've seen people who wear the evidence of their brokenness all over them with tattoos, fat rolls, scars, and alcohol breath. People as thin as skeletons with cheeks sunken sitting in the doctor's office for a "sinus infection" shakey, paranoid, and thinking of white powder. People who hide their brokenness with practiced style and convincing words. Men and women who are so hidden that they can't see who they really are even when God holds a mirror into front of their souls. We, the people, lost beneath the objects that will someday be rubble and possibly our tombs.

But God removes the burdens and unshackles us from our vices. He feeds the truth-hungry and cradles the delicate until they are safely out of danger. He does not lead us into temptation and He delivers us from evil. All of this He can do for those who trust Him. I still wear the memory of what I was to remind me of Who God is. My tattoos, scars, and fat rolls tell a story. It's the story of a Being that made a creation so flawed that no matter what it tried it could not make itself worthy of it's Creator. There was one creature in particular that thought pretty highly of herself in her sin. She thought she couldn't be that bad since so many people were entertained by her and found her attractive. But an emptiness haunted her and a fear crippled her emotions. She sought love but found abuse and heartbreak. When she was stripped of her dignity and terrified in her vulnerability she finally looked beyond this world. The eternity in her heart began to be satisfied with Jesus Christ. Thirst was quenched and breath was given to her spirit. A new creation was born.

I suppose I am about twelve years old in the spirit if that means anything. If spiritual life is anything like physical life then I'm in trouble. But Jesus is our example and He was twelve once. "I must be about My Father's business." And so must I.

I love to look at my child's sleeping face. It's times like that when I remember that this child is God's creation first. I've never seen anything so beautiful so I know it is God's workmanship. Soon perhaps she will have evidence of her sin and brokenness. She will see her humanity and hopefully will see mine, too. Then we can trace my scars and tattoos back to my captivity and rejoice in the times when God parted the sea of hopelessness and rescued me from my sin.

It feel good to have written something again. How easy it is to see God's glory when you form sentences and tell the truth of your heart. All of the people of the bible wrote their stories for us to show His glory and reveal His love. I can read it and I can write it. Words that take the jumbled moments of my memory and decipher what they mean and present it in story. There is such importance in writing, not just to read my own words and be gratified by people reading them. But to read my thoughts and know that they are there amidst emotions and distractions. Blogging allows me to imagine the perfect audience who seeks God's truth and wants to find a friend in my story. What better way to make sure you are saying something worthwhile.

Spring

2007-04-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

We have two hummingbird feeders on our porch. Emily put them up this week during our Spring Break. I am excited about going back to work on Tuesday with the kids again. I miss them. It's stormy today. Humid and dark with thunder and intermittent rain. April showers bring May flowers and June bugs and July heat to the deep south. But it was the coldest April in 110 years.

We went to the Strawberry Festival last night. Emily hung out with Erica and I hung out with Nicole. They are both 8 years old, I think. What fun! We went on a free fall ride and a spinny throw-up ride and watched The Sanchez Twins perform live. They are a pop-girl group.

It's a laid-back life here in Loooooziana. I want to start writing more. I should be publishing something soon on Sylas.net I hope.

God is NOT boring

2007-03-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to write these days. I draw big blanks. But for some reason I have been able to produce sonnets. Maybe it's the structure that I like. Anyway...

"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." -St. Augustine

That St. Augustine quote answers for me the mystery of why church culture is so BORING to me. Mediocrity is safe because you abstain from all of those thing which may be slightly dangerous. It's easier just to abstain like he said. Jesus said for us to chop off limbs if they cause us to sin. He is pretty passionate about us abstaining from any kind of sin. There is nothing mediocre about amputating yourself or plucking out an eye.

I know I get bored easily because I am use to flirting with disaster. But staying on the straight and narrow doesn't have to be boring. God is NOT boring! Why do we compromise and abstain from diving deeper into Him as His children? We sit in the waiting room and read magazine article about His abundant life instead of actively seeking it.

LORD, help me not to get bored. You are everything that is exciting and beautiful. Nothing is as wonderful or magnificent as You. Please help Your children see You more like that. Joy Joy JOY to the earth-dwelling citizens of Heaven!

Sonnet #2

2007-02-28T04:13:00.000-08:00

Society Sonnet

The many plans of man are being brought
Upon the table all the futile dreams
The incandescence of the picture seems
To bring the joy that some would think it ought
The characters of deep foreboding thought
In eyes the closing lids around the beams
Imagination adds the subtle gleams
And mad delusion brings the soul to naught
When God, the Breath caresses through the feast
They gasp as though to welcome in a prayer
Exhaling with a quake, a reverent fear
Remembering the romance of the beast
Repentance on the tongue and waiting there
Till hearts are clean and consciences are clear

Sonnet #1

2007-02-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

Humility Sonnet

Atop a hill the queenly flowers stretch
Bestowing fragrant airs upon the meek
A toddler’s undiscerning hide and seek
With booted heel has crushed a royal wretch
My petals once uncurled as though to fetch
Are now in flattened earth. Aroma weak
I’ll decompose without a word to speak
I’ll miss my part in every artist’s sketch
But if my God allows the days to pass
The weight of rain will push me down a grade
And bedding with a seed beneath the grass
We’ll die together in a lover’s braid
Conceiving stem to trunk and kingdom class
Providing all the meadow with our shade

Wretched Hamster

2007-02-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

I repented recently. It's none of your business what for, but I'll say it was a good idea that I did. The reason is simple. My body and soul do not belong to me, they were bought at a price. First I was brought into this world by God and I am sustained by God. Then I was called by God and saved by God. Now His Holy Spirit lives in me and I am being sanctified by God. I am His. Which makes this other realization even more unsettling:

Every fiber of my sinful nature hates that I don't own me. I can feel the rebellion like cancer in my heart that wants to deny God's love to satisfy it's appetite for gratification. 'Wretched man that I am' is an understatement. It's like darkness and light fighting over my will during every choice I make. Yes, I repent. Then I am at the mercy of Jesus Christ to not spin around and commit the same sin I just repented for.

I realize I've had it easy. All my depression and anguish and confusion was cake compared to what I am suppose to face. It was easy to wallow and go nowhere with my faith. I was caged like a hamster in my sinful nature and when I needed grace to run on my little hamster wheel I would scamper over to the water feeder and sip a drop or two. The door to my cage has been open for a while now. I am looking from the hamster wheel to the door and back again. And back to the door. Hmmm, the enemy prowls around like a lion looking for whom he may devour. No wonder I have stayed in my little cage of fruitlessness. But I'm not a hamster I am a sheep. I have a Shepherd and I am never alone. Where is my faith? I haven't needed much faith in the safety of my prison. It seems like I'm always standing on the threshold.

Jesus God help me. Help me not to try and see into the future unless it is the future of Heaven and resting with You forever. Help me to forget myself in favor of remembering You. Help me to remember that my body belongs to You and it is unethical for me to use it for selfish purposes. Help me withstand the onslaught of temptations that face me in this decadent society. Help me to love those around me instead of running from them. Help me run from them when I am called away from them by You and only then. Lead me guide me by Your Spirit. By the blood of the Lamb I pray.

Hadassah

2007-01-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

It's pouring down rain suddenly. The air was so thick with moisture earlier and now the clouds have finally burst open completely. Just the sound drenches me and floods my ears.

I finished a book in a trilogy by my current favorite author Francine Rivers. It is the "Mark of the Lion" trilogy that she wrote back in the mid-nineties. They are epic tales of people in first century Rome. This woman's writings have done much to change my heart about God. Throughout my introduction with author in reading "Redeeming Love", I cried frequently at the idea of such a merciful, steadfast God that never turned His back on the main character even for a second. She brings the hardest skeptics and the most faithful believers together to describe the most important battle a human will ever face. She doesn’t hold back in her exploration of the heart, either. She has spoken many things to me that God has wanted me to understand just by falling in love with her characters and story.

That brings me to Hadassah. (mild BOOK SPOILERS WARNING for anyone who plans on reading the series. It’s not anything that will ruin the journey though) She is the main character in the first book titled, “A Voice in the Wind”. Throughout the few years of time that we witness, she never falters in her faith but is strengthened to the point where she is given the ultimate honor. At this point I would suggest reading Foxes Book of Martyrs for moving accounts of others blessed with that honor. It’s not the sacrifice that is most beautiful but the faith to walk into death unafraid.

I was out with Em and Casey last night as the designated driver. I wore the keys on my belt loop proudly and stopped drinking at about eleven o’clock. I was concerned when my buzz went away that I would grow tired and bored and miserable. But the energy in the bar was saturated with other drunks being abandoned that I stayed entertained even up the point of closing the bar at 2am. I danced with Emily and four brave young men, played darts with a couple fellas from Wisconsin, and flirted until I felt irresistible. The only difference in me was I had my mental faculties fully in place and ready for any kind of normal life challenge (i.e. car troubles, rude guys, someone throwing up, etc.). I felt responsible but not in the least un-fun. And most amazingly, I prayed and thought of a fictional slave girl from Francine Rivers’ mind. I was thinking, “What would Hadassah do?” She would serve her Lord and God with amazing peace and consider all those around her in their oblivion. I felt freer when I remembered the freedom that she had. I felt like faithfulness wasn’t out of my reach even after so many years of doubt. If only I would trust God with the things I’m scared to let go of, He would show Himself. Well, He showed Himself last night and I was filled with compassion for many of those around me. It wasn’t depressing but I felt surges of hope and joy. Anyone could see it on my face and that made me strangely attractive. I love to be attractive! It’s like one of my favorite things ever.

The bar doesn’t present any temptations that I can’t easily distract myself from or resist. It’s when the guys become my friends and provide opportunities for me to rationalize sin that it becomes the challenge. Something in my brain clicks off when something in my thighs clicks on. I can go from a pure virginal child of God to a panting dog in heat in a matter of seconds. If my guy-friends or ex-boyfriends or whomever aren’t gentlemen or a believers themselves, I end up doing something STOOPID. Luckily God protected me last night but not before He showed me how easily my faith was smashed by lust. It’s that parasitic sin that I long to be freed from. I was encouraged to read how Hadassah struggled in her love for an unbelieving man. Her thoughts were so understandable and reminded me of my own when I use to cry out to Jesus to save me from my deceitful heart. When did I stop praying for His help? I stopped praying when I stopped wanting Him to help me. Just the word, “Celibacy” makes me sick; that commitment to be unsexy and unattractive for the sake of the gospel. So much of my worth is built around how attractive I am to men. No wonder I wasn’t willing to let that go. But I see the way God is providing for me to rise above it. Hadassah was ten times more attractive because of her faith. I was so relieved when I read that she was more radiantly beautiful because of her peace and trust in God. She won the heart of a decadent pagan who could have had any woman in the land and she felt sick with love toward him as well. But God strengthened her to stand up under temptation and she persevered. Her life planted a seed in his heart that I hope sprouts the most loving gift of all in the Roman. I will have to wait until I get the next book in the mail to find out.

When we love, we think of other before ourselves. I may want to sleep with them but God, Himself wants to woo them. If I can cage the drooling canine of lust long enough to resist the temptation, God can strengthen my faith in Him and my confidence in His works.

Ticks of Habitual Sin

2007-01-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

"Good works authenticate our faith and a godly life affirms that the Spirit of God is working in our lives." - The Broken Messenger (www.brokenmessenger.com)

I'm not so sure the Spirit of God is working in my life. Except He does notify me of my sin. I repent and have the silly hope that I will not sin again in the same way, but the hope is dashed when I find myself suffering consequences of yet another stray from God's path.

My desire to be loved by boys is very strong and powerful. It even dulls the desire to do the right thing for God. Of myself I don't even want to stop sinning. It's only God's Spirit that will transform my desires, right? It's a doozy. I have been "boy crazy" since I was 5 years old. FIVE!!! And I think boys were crazy for me when I was even younger if I remember a certain nasty episode correctly. Lust has been such a big part of my life for so long it's no wonder that it's embedded in my heart so vehemently.

Yesterday Jon pulled a fat tick off of my Sophia. Ticks are nasty little parasites. I've seen them the size of a man's thumb out here. They are all grey and full of fluid. They have such a good grip that it takes tweezers and finesse to get them to let go. And they HAVE to let go otherwise their heads break off and stay in the skin. Then another tick grows from the head, this time it's a lot uglier. Just thinking about ticks makes me feel icky. Why did God make them? What's the point, LORD?

Perhaps one reason is so that I would draw this conclusion: Ticks are like habitual sin. I have a GIGANTIC one called Lust. It's invisible to everyone except God and me. I believe Jesus' Spirit can remove this tick, but until I believe He loves me enough to help me through the separation anxiety and the brand new existance that would mean for me, I am unwilling to hold still long enough for Him to put His tweezers on me. Will this stupid tick be the end of me? Oh Lord, I beg You to help me understand Your love. That Your love is worth the huge discomfort and the pain of separating from a lifetime of engrained habits.

I just picture Jesus pleading for me before the Father, "Give this child more time." It's like the fig tree. The gardener cared for the trees so much he pleaded to the Master for them. Though they were unfruitful and taking up space, the gardener believed in them. Oh Jesus please don't give up on me. I have been overcome with Lust since I was little more than a baby. The one thing I have sought more consistently than Truth has been love from a man. Do what You have to do to prune the dead parts of me before the gangrenous infection spreads and I wither at Your hand because it was too late to help me. When the King requires my soul of me I want to be ready for Him. But this lifetime of sin won't let me go on my own. Help my unbelief. It's hard to believe that You would really change me and my life so completely and drastically. Quickly? Maybe You are taking Your time because this kind of change takes time. Maybe You are waiting for me to choose something? To surrender? I understand now that nothing is impossible for You. If you want to, You can heal me.

Women, Men, and Me

2006-12-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

I heard a man on the radio say that he wasn’t looking forward to being face to face with God when he died. He said that he was sure God would tell him of all the things he didn’t do, opportunities he’d passed up and blessings he should have received if he had walked better on God’s path. I don’t know exactly why, but I don’t agree with that man. God has brought me to where I am and I don’t regret the choices I’ve made. The only time I feel I could have made better choices is when I compare myself to other people. But I have heard in the bible that comparing oneself to others is a bad idea…

2 Corinthians 10:12-
12We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 13We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the field God has assigned to us, a field that reaches even to you. 14We are not going too far in our boasting, as would be the case if we had not come to you, for we did get as far as you with the gospel of Christ. 15Neither do we go beyond our limits by boasting of work done by others. Our hope is that, as your faith continues to grow, our area of activity among you will greatly expand, 16so that we can preach the gospel in the regions beyond you. For we do not want to boast about work already done in another man's territory. 17But, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 18For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

When Paul wrote this to the Corinthians, he looks forward to being commended by the Lord. For the Lord alone has done the work in us to make us commendable. And if He has not done a work in us in a particular area then we don’t have that to be commended for. How has the Lord worked in me and in my life to prepare me for commendation? It’s not apparent to me yet but I wonder if it’s in the “field that reaches even to you.” Paul is talking about the teaching and shepherding of the Corinthians. In Paul’s life it’s obvious what field he’s been assigned to. Jesus, Himself, came in a bright light and gave Paul his commission. I haven’t been given such a clear guide. I only have my hopes.

After ten years of trying every easier path I have decided to go back to school. I don’t know where or exactly when, but I think about it everyday. God has humbled me enough so that I can see how erroneous I have been in the direction I’d given myself. Romance after romance with men, music, and ministry. Another dream has more constantly stirred my heart. Whereas the others have stirred my lust, ego, and pride; this other dream has stirred my heart. As John the Baptist moved with the spirit of Elijah the prophet to turn the hearts of fathers to their children, so I am beginning to understand the same passion. My own relationship with my earthly father was strained by the presence of my strong pillar of a mother (I love you, Mom. You are beautifully strong) so that the last ten years has been practicing the influence she mostly brought to my life. The quieter, but more desperate need for acceptance has constantly rivaled my false self-sufficiency. Most days I have sought acceptance and love until I receive it. Then I protect myself by turning my back on it and saying, “I don’t need it.” For if I needed it and it was taken from me then I would collapse. Around in circles chasing acceptance and then dropping it for independence has gotten me nowhere.

Maybe my desire for a college degree is also an ego dream or a pride dream. How commendable I would be if I had a calling that turned the hearts of fathers to their children just like Elijah! But there is one element of that dream that seems to stare a modern evil in the face defiantly: it places fathers a little higher than mothers. My generation is full of woman-power and women-rights. Years of so-called oppression has justified women in asserting what power they have to subjugate men. So 5 of the men that I love have had their children taken away from them. Has it made them better men to have mourned the loss? Were they such bad fathers that they needed to be severed from their kids in order to become better ones? I’m not sure that it had to come to that. If the wives and girlfriends of these men trusted in God they wouldn't harbor so much fear. What it looks like to me is an abuse of the power given to women. Women are given the privilege of carrying sons and daughters in their wombs and nursing them to health. But without fathers children grow up thinking that their power comes from mothers only. So the world, being slowly separated from real fatherly influence is abusing the other power that is a woman’s: the emotional power.

I have practiced the power of emotional influence since I can remember. But it has brought me nothing but heartache and disappointment. I can create a loving environment around a man until he voluntarily gives up his reign as a man and becomes more like my child. I thought this was the way a woman should be. I thought it was my only way to make an impact on my world. So I would break the ones I loved with velvet gloves and repair them in a way that was more pleasing to me at the time. I believed I knew how to live their life better. And I did it because of fear. I did it because I didn’t believe in them or in God. I wouldn’t relinquish control even when I’d convinced myself I had. The thrill of having a man look to me for the answers has reinforced the illusion that I have answers to give. I want to give back to men what I have taken from them. We women can’t stop men from looking to us for answers, but we can use our skills to fill them with confidence in themselves. Instead of breaking them down I want to build them up. That was always my intention and I know what the road to hell is paved with. There is a moment when a man must decide to be a man despite the hopelessness he might feel. I can’t give them that decision even thought I’ve tried.

Working with two-year-olds has helped me believe in people in the smallest ways. I don’t place unreal expectations on them so that they won’t ever see disappointment in my eyes. When they look at me I want them to see safety and security and someone genuinely interested in what they are learning. I want the same for the men in my life. Some of them are still very much children. When they fall down I don’t make a big deal out of it and they don’t cry. I want to consistently be someone that believes in them no matter what.

Where am I going with this? I am all over the place. Isn’t it just like a woman to ride a train of thought around in circles? I know what men are good for. Among many other things, they are good for direction. Trains are like men. They are powerful in their direction as if they are on a track prepared for them in advance. When men think like men they are unstoppable forces, made in God’s image and created for His glory.
God in Heaven, I pray that You would give me more of a passion for fathers hearts turning to their children. I pray that You would open doors for me to do Your work in men’s lives. I pray that you would use me to bring families back together under the true head of the household. If my life is good for anything, let it be good for Your purposes. Teach me and guide me in the way everlasting. By Jesus’ blood I pray, amen.

God is Love, not Law

2006-12-24T05:55:00.000-08:00

God gave us the law through Moses to show us our sin. Then He gave us Jesus' example to show even the ones who thought they had the law down that they were sinners. The law is there because humans insist on their own righteousness apart from God. We want to believe that we are 'a good person'. We want any excuse to not need God. The law and Christ's example shows us how far we fall short.

Our eternity is in the hands of God. It's only by His mercy through faith that we will be saved from destruction. Our sin nature will do anything to keep from trusting in God. Satan has had thousands of years to mold a sin-loving environment around us. Yet God's love still breaks through and gently shows us our need for Him.

Jesus Christ showed the lost sheep that God is love, not law. The Pharisees worshipped law and despised love and crucified Him. Jesus said in Matthew 23 to do as the Pharisees say, not as they do. The Pharisees preached God's law with zeal but they themselves didn't understand it.

When I think of the pages of laws given to Moses I think 'there is no way we could follow that now'. Maybe not, but the law shows us God's character and standard of living. The law is the way God meant it to be for His chosen people Israel. Originally the only law we had was "Thou shalt not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil." More laws were added because we strayed further away from knowing Him personally. By the time of the Pharisees, and even now, there is no legal substitute for a relationship with the Living God.

Weighting for a Clue

2006-12-23T05:03:00.000-08:00

You know when you want to rely upon someone but you see already that they are relying upon you first? Then you have to choose to be the support or to ask them for support instead. Usually I am holding them up and I don't mention anything about how I'm getting weaker by the second. There never seems to be a good opportunity. Oblivious, they add more weight to my load and I just can't hold it anymore. I drop them with a loud crash. They are shocked and usually unable to recover. I regretfully take my leave while they try to convince me I've betrayed them.

People think I can handle more than I actually can. Why do I wear this superhero uniform? Is it my fear of being ordinary? Maybe it's my fear or being insignificant. If I am a normal person with needs then I will be pushed into the gutter and flushed down the storm drain, lost in the shuffle. But if I have an air of confidence and invincibility I will be picked first by the team leader. I’ve convinced myself that I can handle so much that I get in over my head. But my pride has turned to apathy. It’s lonely at the top.

I am this benevolent force to be reckoned with. No wonder my relationship with God is suffering. He is the only force to be reckoned with and I am reluctant to give up my throne. I’m terrified because I’ve placed myself in a situation that requires me to be indestructible. So I sweep all those warnings of war under the rug and wait until I hear the trumpet blasts of the enemy. My kingdom must be destroyed if I am to bow to Jesus as King.

It all sounds so romantic and huge. Really it’s silly human garbage. We all go through this in one form or another. Surrendering to God is not in our nature, though we were created for just that! Does that make sense? No it doesn’t. I am dog-paddling in circles around my own mind. This is why I need fellowship with another human. Writing is helpful in many ways but mostly it makes my nonsense thinking sound like sophisticated philosophy. The last thing I need is to sound like I know what I’m talking about. Because I am clueless! I want to shout it from the rooftop of my castle! I’M CLUELESS!!

Yay for Football

2006-12-17T18:05:00.000-08:00

I watched too much television today. I spent Friday night puking my guts out with food poisoning. After the amount of TV I watched today I feel like I need to hurl again. I really like football, I just really hate commercials. And instead of just watching the Saints game I stuck around for the whole entire Giants Eagles game, too. But I got to eat fantastic ribs and veal sausage for dinner. I don't want to hurl that up at all. It's the TV crap I want to ring out of my brain. I am grateful for my excellent dinner and thankful for David's family and the way they eat. They always feed me. It's beautiful.

I had a really full day, spiritually. I woke up on top of the pile and felt light as a feather. I bounded to church and spoke effervescently at pre-church bible study. Then the sermon happened and I fell dreamily into the depth of the message. From there I went to David's and my spirit went into hibernation. Now I am home again wishing I had that top-o-the-pile feeling back. But instead I have a headache and I keep thinking about my money worries and car issues. I know what I'll do! I'll stop thinking about it. You know why? Cuz I can't do anything about it right now. It's Sunday night and I'm going nighty-night soon. The morning will have to hold onto those thoughts for me. It will hold God's fresh mercies, too. I have several dilemmas I am hovering betwixt but I will have to just hover for now.

I'm looking forward to drinking a big glass of water. I love water. Did you know that we are 75% water and so is planet Earth? Lovely coincidence.

I Want Lasting Fruit Flavor

2006-12-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

Why do I let my body and mind get away with so much? I just serve it up some hot, smoking tobacco whenever it craves it. Sometimes I smack away the romantic fantasies that swim around constantly but sometimes I indulge them. Then real life starts looking bland and dull and unsatisfying.

I'm sure glad my emotional condition isn't a sign of my spiritual condition. Most of the time I feel like I am actually the devil's kid. Maybe it's because his minions spend a lot of time accusing me or tempting me. Why they are so close they almost feel like family! What I'll probably find out is that they hardly hung out at all. It's possible that all this corruption comes from my fallen heart. Either way, sometimes it's tough to imagine that I am in God's family.

I saw that movie, "The Nativity Story" last night. It was beautifully made and biblically accurate. It was like cool, crisp, living water down a dry throat. God is merciful to allow His story to be told through Hollywood. I believe that some people wouldn't have a chance of understanding the gospel if it wasn't in a movie. Who reads historical documents anymore?

Jesus said, "You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 15:14

That's heavy. How do I do what Jesus commands? Everything in me takes so long to convince. It has taken me this long to understand that I'm loved by God and it's still being doubted regularly. I can only be changed, I cannot change myself. So I wait and pray and trust.

Therapization

2006-11-30T04:04:00.000-08:00

Getting lost in my head isn't a good idea. I had the massive therapy session with Emily the other night. We were trying to figure out if I was making the same mistakes with my heart that I've always made. I am. But this time it's different. Not that the results will be different, they will probably be the same. But this time I don't care all that much about results. That sounds careless and stupid and so it is. I am careless and stupid sometimes with some things, always have been.

Believe me, I've been put in my place by God plenty of times. I know the areas where I tend to just wing it. The responsible christian thing to do would be to abstain from those areas of life and allow God to change me in order to prepare me for those temptations. That would be the responsible christian thing to do. I'm not a responsible Christian. I am a hopeless rebel with weaknesses beyond most christians I know.

But let me espouse on some therapizing of self. Not too much, but some. I give other people breaks a lot because I believe I have enough for myself. I settle for the scraps at the end of the feast not because of humility but because of pride. I would rather leave a persons life completely than be a burden to them. If I don't make a situation better by being somewhere then I want out. If I fail then I feel like dying. Other people can make me feel guilty easily. I like to fulfill peoples' needs and watch them become dependent on me. I hate when they become spoiled and expect that I need nothing in return. If I ask for something they laugh in my face and tell me I'm wrong for wanting it. Laugh in my FACE! Those are the kind of people I surround myself with. So I am convinced that I can adjust to any circumstance because I have to. I will be the martyr until I can't take it anymore and I feel homicidal or suicidal. Then I leave and try to find some scraps at some other table. There are very few things in this life that I believe I truly need. I HATE shopping for myself (or anybody else for that matter). I get burnt out on good deeds pretty quickly. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to have others do anything that I could have done myself. I feel owed. I want to be such an asset that my absense is felt strongly.

Just some random thoughts about myself. I really don't guard my heart very well at all. The good things I do for people end up being void by my bad attitude toward their ingratitude. I don't care about getting a 'thank you', it's when they start to expect it and so they drop the ball. Then when I stop, they somehow feel I've cheated them. That's when I like to leave a situation and show them what it would feel like to be without all those neat things.

I just want to be loved the way I love others. But whenever someone tries, I discourage them. "You don't have to do that." I don't want them to feel obligated to pay me back. I want them to do it with a sincere heart. I don't want to be a burden, so if they have any grudge against doing it I refuse it. AUGH. wretched man that I am....

It's All Him

2006-11-26T05:13:00.000-08:00

Today I'm suppose to play one of my songs for the church I go to. I haven't figured out why the pastor would have wanted me to play after I've only been going to that church for under a month. It's going to be casual and poorly planned, but as Christians they should be pretty forgiving. If they aren't that's their problem. They can take up their judgments with God. That's how I see it anyway.

I don't know exactly what I'm doing these days but I know I am sick of having a sore throat and stinky clothes. The only problem is, until I quit the restaurant/bar it's going to be really super hard to stop smoking (blah blah blah fill in the rest with your favorite rationalization). Emily and Casey are totally nonsmokers but I can't seem to bring myself to stop. Maybe I will try it during my two-week Christmas vacation from work. I'll need to save my pennies during that time anyway. I could be saving so much money! $5.00 a PACK! I could be saving my voice! I could be helping my heart! What is my problem?

I don't WANT to quit. I don't care about my lungs or my heart or even my voice. I don't think about consequences; I believe that I can avoid them somehow. Plus, it's those ten minute retreats that I have from reality where I keep my time for myself. It's like the one thing I have control over. It's the illusion that I am in control of this addictive behavior that is addictive. When I am actually powerless over it. It's ruining important parts of my days. But it's not the chemical addiction that's difficult to overcome...it's my own mind. If I loved more I would quit. But there is still a sense of rebellion and distrust in my heart. That one day God is going to give me what I deserve and at least I'll have smoking to comfort me then.

I am like a child trying to manipulate a parent or teacher. Either I scream and complain or I hurt myself to try and get my way. I am SO reluctant to give over all control to God. I don't even trust my motives for loving Him. He has to be the reason for all of my faith and hope and love. His grace is sufficient. My plans are brought to nothing while His continue to be played out. Thank GOD! What an amazing work You are doing. Thank You for calling me a friend and showing me some secrets to help me trust You more. It's really all You, LORD.

Kill Your TV

2006-11-23T05:18:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on a Thanksgiving Day:

I swear people need to stop watching television.

I'm so anti-television these days. I see the influence in all my peers. There is a lot of television-watching going on around me now. I thank God today (Thanksgiving) that He kept me away from regular television throughout my youth. Commercials and news are poison to a child. The two-hour movies that we watched every night gave me the idea that life happens in two hours. It's taken me long enough to begin changing that programming. Imagine if I'd been filled with 30-second spots my whole life. I weep for my generation. Whenever I see how television has influenced someone, I flinch because I know that it's not really who they are. Hours upon hours of watching TV is going to show. Thanksgiving Day people watch a LOT of TV. The parade, the football game, the sci-fi marathons. I am one to watch the Twilight Zone marathon if I can catch it. It's tradition to get tripped out on tryptophan and run on beta waves until pumpkin pie time. Some people nap, others zone out. It's expected of us.

I've been infatuated, fantastical, heartbroken, confused, frustrated, blissful, calm, and finally I am content. I'm content to wait on the LORD to see what becomes of us. No expectations or complicated assessments. My eyes are steady on God.

Decisions Decisions

2006-11-16T04:02:00.000-08:00

I dreamt last night that I was hanging on the side of a grocery store display case that was submerged in the ocean. It wasn't floating. It was a grocery store but below it was dark ocean depths. I was wearing a bathing suit and Emily was there with me. It was like hanging onto the side of a pool and kicking our feet around in the water. We were chatting it up about...eternity. I remember saying one thing, "I don't think the challenges stop when we pass on, I think this is just practice trusting God now. That's why it will be hell for some people..." Then I got distracted by some kind of doll that was displayed, but really I wanted to think about what I'd just said before I said anything else.

I don't know whether or not to keep the restaurant/bar job so I guess I'll wait and see. I've been refusing extra shifts though. So I have already taken steps toward quitting. I don't know if that's stupid or what. I have three weeks of holiday unemployment coming up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm thinking about all the money crap I need to think about...am I trusting God?

I've been listening to Charles Stanley's series called, 'The Ways of God" and it's really good. The last one was "God's schedule." It's funny how much humans try to manipulate God. If we fast and pray enough then God will work faster, right? Wrong. We do all we can sometimes to beg and plead with Him, but He knows what is best for us and only grants us grace enough for His plan. (Proverbs 19:21) God's plan prevails always.

In Micah 2:1 he mentions that we are able to carry out plans of iniquity. But I recall time and again when the LORD God foiled the plans of man for His own purposes in the New Testament and the Old. Is being more dependent on God for my finances a lazy thing to do? Am I quitting the stinky, worldly bar for God's sake or because I'm tired of giving up my evenings? I suppose it's all in the motives. I got bronchitis and then I had to constantly breathe second-hand smoke for hours. I also enjoy working there in a social, worldly way. I am good at it. Hmmmm.

Pray 4 me.
Pray for my friend David.
Pray for my roommates.
Thanks!

Pondering Myself and God

2006-11-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

So let me get this straight. You don't read the bible, in fact you hardly know it. Yet you understand that trusting God is the most important thing in life. You don't go to church but you believe that Jesus Christ died for everyones' sins and you also call Him your Savior. You haven't pined over religious theology or fought your way into proper fellowship, yet you and I ended up in a similar spiritual place. Compared to you, I know the bible really well. I go to church and listen to preachers and you pray and wait on the LORD. I have actually learned that praying and waiting on the LORD is important, thanks to you. But I still don't understand you.

I'd like to jump to some conclusions about you so that I can safely fit you into a box that I can define. But I know that the box would only deprive me of the truth that's being slowly revealed about your character. I don't like 'slow'. I'm a product of my fast generation.

I'm going to stick to pondering myself. I'm on the edge of something that I don't quite get. Or maybe I get it but I doubt it. I don't doubt that I get it. Or maybe I do. Doubt has put me here facing a dead end. Where was my wrong turn? Backtrack. Oh crap, maybe it's not a dead end. Is that a wall ahead or the path going uphill in the distance? Wait a second, I'm not alone here.

God has me. He knows exactly how I feel. He knows my future and my innermost parts. That which is unknown to me is completely known to Him. Abba, I'm edgy. Why am I so edgy?! Is it the 1500 mg Vitamin C that I took today and yesterday? Is it the amazing conversation I had on the phone with one of my friends last night? Is it the enemy? Are you going to answer that question? Are You there? How many fingers am I holding up? Hello?

I'm working tonight, THANK GOD!! I really didn't want to but now I see that it's providence from Heaven that I am. I have sniffles and what Emily calls a 'sty' on my lower eyelid. But I'm gonna work and try not to think about boys. That's usually why I'm edgy. I shouldn't have thought I would be off the hook so easily. His way is a NARROW road and a very difficult one to stay on sometimes. Things will press in on each side and powerful temptations will call to me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. I think God just told me something...

He wants to be the person I depend on before anyone else. He wants me to see how beautiful people can be and then He wants me to see that He is infinitely more beautiful. If my heart swells at the sight of something He created and taught has shaped over time, what will my heart do at the sight of God, Himself? It will definitely explode.

You know what lie I was believing before just now? I believed that I had to die to experience the love of God. I mean, I believed that I had to leave the temporal existance to truly know His love and His presence. The enemy was telling me that. The enemy used my good feelings toward the LORD to paralyze me with longing and make me suicidal. I am deeply loved by God and therefore deeply in love with Him. What can a beloved do but long to be with her love? So I was pushing God's love away because I thought it would make me more suicidal. I have obsessed that way over guys. The longing tore me up inside as I continued to internalize it. But I was wrong about longing for God. He's not in some distant place...

He's always here and I always have Him. What's there to long for that I can't experience right now? I understand that I am limited by certain aspects of time, but God isn't. I don't know what He will do, but I believe He loves me. He understands me better than I understand myself. He sees me in completion while I rest upon His promise to complete me. I can be confident because He always sees me, always protects me, always guides me, always reminds me.

What can I do for Him? I have all these churchy ideas about missions and discipleship. There are many things I would love to do for Him. But I'm not going to run with any of them. The only thing I'm going to run with is obeying Him in every moment. The one day perhaps I'll look up and I will have accomplished more than I'd ever dreamed of accomplishing. And it would have been all His idea and all His strength and all Him. LORD help me stay on the path.

Needs

2006-11-07T04:20:00.000-08:00

I watched a movie the other night and it's been a while since I watched a movie. It was about a 37-year-old divorcee who falls in love with a 23-year-old boy. It turns out that they don't live happily ever after but they make some pleasant memories and move on with their lives. They are just at different stages and the woman is the one to make the executive decision that it won't work. The movie made me think. Not that I am 37 yet, or really understand being on the sunny side of forty, but I do understand being with a man/boy who is unable to fulfill my needs. He wants to, but he can't.

My "Needs". The big "N" word. "...my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 That was Paul talking to the church that gave him financial support. But Jesus also mentioned the fulfilling nature of God the Father. "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you...Hallelu..Hallelujah." So my needs are met and I SHALL NOT WANT.

But I do want. Oh boy do I want. I've been able to distract myself for a while but I'm starting the get restless heart syndrome (RHS). This may be because of a monthly hormone imbalance that all females suffer from. But it may be because I'm a freak.

Intellectualism

2006-10-29T05:47:00.000-08:00

My dog is being such a little lover lately. She's so excited and spunky and really knows how to make me feel loved and needed. I am loving on her so much just because she's my bread and butter! Me have fuzzy doggy moment.

Though I talk a lot of crap about feelings, I could talk even more crap about intellectualism. When I say intellect I mean what the dictionary means:
"the power or faculty of the mind by which one knows or understands, as distinguished from that by which one feels and that by which one wills; the understanding; the faculty of thinking and acquiring knowledge. "

Where feelings and emotions can make us like animals, intellect can make us like robots. I just read this book called "Demon Seed" by Dean Koontz. The premise is that a computer program gains a will of it's own and decides it will transfer it's 'mind' into a human fetus and be born in the flesh. The computer only knows what it was able to find through access to the world wide web. So it obviously has no concept of true human reality. The computer is pure intellect with no heart.

Intellectualism can provide a convincing illusion for people. We think we are actually participating in life because we THINK so much about it. But I have had the pleasure of seeing my fantasy for what it really was: all in my head. In my head time moves much faster and the world is much more predictable. In my head I can find the reasons not to do a lot of things. I have piles and piles of reasons. But under all that reasoning is the simple gem of faith that I must uncover.

Faith requires a balance with reason and intellect. Nicodemus would understand me. Faith is most readily understood with the heart. I don't mean the emotions because faith and fear cannot coexist at one moment. But the heart of a person knows.

Feelings Again

2006-10-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

Why does it appear as though I have a hard time with kindness? It seems like every time someone confronts me it's because of something I said or did that 'hurt their feelings'. I really want to know what it is about me that's so mean. I'm definitely not 'gentle as a dove' all the time but I have a tremendous amount of love for other humans. In starting to love myself more I'm finding that people are more invested in what I say and/or do toward them than I would really like.

Apparently I have this responsibility for other peoples' feelings in a way that they don't have for mine. I have made it a practice not to listen to my emotions first. My emotions are a helluva lot more sensitive than my intellect. When my emotions get hurt I counter them by speaking truths to them with my intellect. The most effective truth that silences my emotions and replaces fear with joy is this truth: "If God is for me, who can be against me?" Romans 8:31 Then I can have compassion on whoever might happen to hurt my delicate little feelers. I can give them the benefit of the doubt and go to God with my assessment of the person's character.

When I think about Jesus' words to His disciples and the Pharisees, it didn't seem like He took their feelings too seriously. He even rebuked Peter in a way that would have demolished me ("Get behind me Satan!"). Peter didn't talk back to Jesus by telling Him, "LORD, that was hurtful and mean. How could You hurt my feelings like that?" Peter's feelings of guilt and shock were important to teach him the valuable lesson of not doubting his LORD. Just like when you scare a two-year-old out of touching a power outlet. You yell and grab them and smack their hand so fast that it throws them for a loop. Then you let them cry in fear until you see that they learned the importance of the lesson. Then you tell them you love them and move on with life. You don't hold it over their head for days and days as if they didn't understand the point when you scared the crap out of them.

So feelings are in us for a good reason, one of them being: to drive a point home. But it's when my feelings get out of control and start to make my daily decisions that life becomes animalistic. That's also the time when I can't seem to hear God's voice through the din of my emotions. I know He's there comforting me, but He's also waiting for me to calm down before He guides me. Feelings seem to filter reality and change perspective to suit themselves. One of the sayings of modern times that I loathe is this, "It feels so right it can't be wrong." That's what dogs believe when they are humping the neighbor's leg. But, alas, poochie it's just WRONG.

When someone tells me to take their feelings seriously my first reaction is to say no. It's not that I don't love them, it's that I don't love their feelings. Plus, they aren't taking MY feelings seriously and I actually appreciate it. People say things they don't mean when they are emotional. I'd like to be given the space to express my emotions without being taken too seriously. Sometimes I just want to yell profanity! I do a lot of emotional expression while I'm driving. Not because people on the road make me mad (I avoid anger over small things), but because whatever challenges may be going on might be REALLY difficult and frustrating. So I yell at God because I know He won't be hurt by me. God doesn't change when I freak out. God's not sensitive and delicate. God's feelings aren't hurt when I get mad at Him. He doesn't take my passing, flighty emotions seriously. He knows from what I am operating. When I'm done throwing a tantrum He is there to hug me and tell me He loves me. Then I feel foolish because I let my emotions run away with my mouth and He forgives me and wipes the incident from His mind. Then we get down to the important stuff again. He doesn't hold it over my head or bring it up later and say, "Remember when you said that mean thing to me when you were mad? Well, I'm going to ignore you for a few days because you hurt my feelings." HAHA! God would never cold shoulder me. As soon as I repent, it's gone! A friend of mine yesterday said, "Yeah, God's a cool guy because of that." I thought that was kind of an understatement, but it was the right idea. It's about the most awesome thing about God!! After living my life feeling perpetually guilty for being born human, it's nice to know I can mess up and God won't hold it against me. But He keeps teaching me and loving me without skipping a beat. Because He sees me for what I am in Heaven. He's not looking at my filthy rags because they vanished at the cross. He doesn't DWELL on my sin. I repent and it's forgiven, then we get down to the business of making me more like Christ.

It's a sweet deal. Does that mean I want to keep sinning? No way. God's not going to let me get away scott-free because He wants me to grow up and stop wasting my life. He's gonna discipline me with consequences. I'll still end up in Heaven but right now I want to do more and be more for Him. I can't move forward if I keep committing the same sins over and over. God has protected me while I've been learning and I am truly thankful. Thankful is an understatement.

I WAS GOING TO DELETE THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH FROM THE MIDDLE OF MY POST BUT INSTEAD I MOVED IT DOWN HERE TO THE END. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON'T JUST DELETE IT, BUT HERE IT IS: (For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Just a friendly warning from Matthew 7:2 of your holy bible)
Sometimes I find myself in the current of our animalistic society and I start catering to my feelings. My favorite feeling is lust, I'll admit it. Sensuality changes the very chemistry of my body, instantly. What a rush! My least favorite emotion is anger. I try to avoid anger whenever possible. That surge of adrenaline makes me want to run away and clear my head on top of a mountain somewhere. If it's fight or flight, I flee before I have a second thought. Some people live for adrenaline, not me. Anger breeds violence and sickness and I try to avoid physical pain, too. Lust creates endorphins and it's negative effects aren't immediate. The consequences of lust are subtle and long-term. I am an 'out of sight, out of mind' person so lust is my greatest challenge. All I really think about is the present moment and how positive and beautiful everything is. Then I start to see consequences of lust as the days go by and I will suddenly bail the situation. I find someone new to become infatuated with and the cycle starts over. Do I need prayer? Yes I do. So do all the tender hearts that happen across my path. Just because I know this stuff about myself doesn't mean I intend to do anything about it. I know things have to get pretty uncomfortable for me to change the behaviors that have been working for me. I hate to admit it but God's sometimes got to put a bit in my mouth to pull me in the right direction.

Straight and Narrow

2006-10-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

I said something today at an interview for a preschool teaching position that I felt was true, but it also enlightened me about myself. I'm sure I've said it in passing to many people as if it were of no particular consequence but the reaction I got from the lady who interviewed me caused me to reflect on what I'd said. I told her how much I enjoyed joining churches that are in transition. She mentioned that church attendance wasn't what it used to be and I know it's because of the transitional period of getting a new, younger pastor. I made a definitive statement about myself that surprised her. I said, "I'm the kind of person that's more comfortable during change." She apparently thought that was unusual because of her surprised look. Whenever someone that I'm trying to impress looks surprised, I make sure I really meant what I said. After pondering the patterns of my life I think it's safe to say I spoke the truth about myself. But perhaps it goes deeper than such a simple statement.

The feelings in my last post about lack of security and a sense of being unsure about my future were full of anxiety. The word 'anxiety' reminds me of the brief time I had in therapy this year where the therapist mentioned that I might have an 'anxiety problem'. He even recommended a book on dealing with anxiety. Maybe it's true that my tolerance for stressful situations is low. Or maybe it's more true to say that my patterns have created a higher level of stress than people normally face. Such anxiety might be expected in such a transition-oriented lifestyle. I think I might be addicted to change.

God has given me a beautiful opportunity at this new church. There are needs here that I feel I’ve been prepared to fill. Working at a preschool with the two-year-olds is a skill I recently developed. This church needs a two-year-old substitute teacher and in a month or so they’ll need her to be a full-time teacher. After the interview today it looks as though God has led me to this church to possibly fill this need. They are also looking for people who are willing to get involved in the music ministry. Anyone who knows me knows how I have longed for the opportunity to participate on a worship team.

I have some irrational fears that I’m not sure I want to make public. I read a quote in this novel yesterday that says, “The devil is dumb when it comes to tempting us. He only knows what our big mouths tell him.” (something like that) I wonder if that’s why I’m such an easy target, because I explain my fears in such detail in words and in writing. If I kept them to myself, would I fly under the devil’s radar? Somehow I doubt that. I should look for scriptural advice on the subject of vulnerability to the enemy.

Just to be on the safe side, let’s just say I’m addicted to change. It might be obvious to people who’ve observed my life for the last ten years, but did you see it as a problem? Some might just call it thrill-seeking or exploration. Some might call it flightiness or bravery. All I know is that there is nothing solid or steadfast about a life of constant new beginnings. I rarely finish what I start, especially when it comes to staying in one community. Even in high school I didn’t have a ‘clique’ that I hung with. One benefit to changing friends and communities all the time is you stay fresh and new to new people. There’s no time for people to grow tired of you and absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you leave on a high note then the bridge between you and that person still has sheen to it and it stays strong and sturdy. The relationships I’ve had and maintained for years and years have bridges that fall into disrepair so that someday I may not be able to reach that person. I burn very few bridges. But nothing frustrates me more than a bridge that looks sturdy but that will crumble the minute you try to cross it. Or when someone puts a barricade on their side of the bridge that locks from the inside, which is equally infuriating. Here you think you have a relationship only to find yourself denied or rejected.

Bridges and people aside, I change my environment a lot. Part of it is because I don’t feel people should have to put up with me when I stop being fresh and entertaining. The other part is I see myself in the way people see me. I really enjoy being a source of hope for people. In the beginning I look like a valuable resource with so much to offer. When they find out I’m as brokenly human as the next girl the disappointment in their eyes is such a bummer. Oh how I wish I could be everything that these hopeful people project onto me! But the best thing I can be is God’s servant. Their expectations may not be what God has planned, just as mine might not be either.

This is what I see: I have been sailing the aimless waters of circumstance since I arrive in Louisiana. I’ve gotten out of the boat and now I walk on dry ground. It was muddy all along the shore and I was afraid that I would sink into quicksand. God pulled me out and placed a path before me. It’s a straight path on level ground and I can see down it for miles. It’s terrifying what I see. The path remains straight, narrow and level. But on either side of the path I see dangers and distractions. There are hundreds of wrong turns and curvy detours that lead into unknown places. There are ‘Wrong Way’ and ‘Do Not Enter’ signs all along that straight path, but God didn’t put those signs there. There are even mountains that stand jagged and cliffs where the path continues straight and solid with these dangers only inches away from where I will walk. So much can happen with each step on this path. The challenge isn’t to see how many side roads I can take and still find my way back. The challenge isn’t to collect souvenirs or photographs of those dark detours. Whatever I have gathered from straying off the path has turned to dust and shadow in my pocket, or has weighed me down with burdens. The challenge is to stay on the path and stay focused on the bright beam of light that shoots into the sky there at the end. Sometimes it seems like the light isn’t getting any closer, but things are hardly ever as they seem. It’s not my job to doubt God or the path He’s chosen for me. It’s simply my job to stay on it and trust that it leads to New Jerusalem, lit by His glory that’s brighter than the sun.

All of those detours and distractions are nothing to the LORD who lives within me. Of course I am powerless over my curiosity and rebellion, but I trust Him to be my strength. I will do my best to be courageous and trust that the straight and narrow is worth staying on.

God is in Control

2006-10-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post to ask for prayer. I'm waiting on the LORD. I have a faith-based job where I never know when I'm going to work. In an hour I will drive to the restaurant and 'hang out' at the bar hoping someone will want to go home so I can take their shift. I feel like a Mexican that just crossed the border, standing on the corner waiting to be hired for anything. But if that's how it must be, then woo! Tomorrow I go in for a part time daycare interview at the church I want to attend regularly. I'd work Fridays if I get the job and then starting in a couple of months I would work Tues thru Fri 7:30-3:30 at $7 an hour. I'll still need to be a Mexican at night to make ends meet. It's good money at the restaurant so it's worth hanging at the bar looking ready to work. But it is faith-based because God must provide.

It feels so unsure and insecure. But I'm sure the feeling will pass when God shows Himself to be faithful. He always does. Normally I would be panicking but I am praying for peace and less anxiety. Deep breaths and lots of water, jogging, and playing with my dog. This is a delicate time for me when escapism starts to knock at my heart-door. I don't like to panic. I flee. But God will hold me steadfast and my confidence is in Him. Christianity is a precarious existance. We're always on the edge of some great precipice. It would be fun if I was sure that God would never let me fall over to my death. Haven't I had enough experience with Him to believe Him? Doubt is extremely dangerous at such heights. It reminds me of the first time I drove on the freeway. It was at night in the rain on the Cajon Pass with semi-trucks growling around me. I would have died if God hadn't given me the clarity to stay calm. Just like now. I have a week to make rent and keep the peace in my house. I can see things setting themselves up for flight; so many huge obstacle are appearing on the horizon. The only thing that doesn't fit is that I found a new church that I adore. It always happens like that, ya know. As soon as I find a people I can fellowship with, the rest of my life turns to utter chaos and threatens that beautiful thing.

Please pray that God's angels beat back the enemy and that the Holy Spirit would change my heart so I can endure these trials with the confidence of young King David. There's so much at stake for me right now. I know this because I've been here before. This is right about where I always mess up.

Deep breath. Peace. God is in control.

Testing Love

2006-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the most recent study with Charles Stanley called "Knowing God's Ways". I just listened to part one and I sense that the Holy Spirit is going to start teaching me again. One of the most important things I remember is that we are to know God, not just know ABOUT Him. He has recently been showing me how He loves and accepts me despite my sin. I repent hourly for my thoughts and sometimes my actions. I get to the point where I'm sure He's tired of me confessing and He wants me to TURN from what I'm doing and change my behaviors. But I'm powerless over them. Only God can make a way out of the mess I've made of my life. All I can do is return to Him, broken and lacking even as I still have rebellion in my heart and beg Him to change me again.

I don't understand His love for me. I don't think I ever will in this life. I feel like a squished bug on the sole of the world. But rather than just give up, I am throwing myself at the feet of God and begging for His mercy.

I always test love. When someone says they love me I say, "Oh yeah? If you love me then I'm going to treat you the worst way I can think of and then we'll see if you really love me." God told me He loved me. So I've been ignoring Him and rebelling against Him in my heart. I've made things MISERABLE for myself just because I insist that people prove their love for me. Because if they really knew how shitty I can be, then they wouldn't love me. It's actually been proven that the shittiest I can be is not lovable. So here I am single and twice divorced. Here I am testing God who told me He loved me. As if all of my efforts to make Him not love me will somehow force Him to leave. I HATE that I do this. Why can't I just treat the people who love me with respect and honor? Because if all I ever do is good for them, then what if I mess up and make a mistake? I need to know that they can catch me if I fall, even if I fall right on them and almost break them! So I push and push and heat things up to the boiling point. Then when I see that it is too much for them and they start to retreat, I get terrified and I pour out the love and affection. I keep them there even though I know they won't be able to love me when it gets hard. Then it gets harder to keep them from running away...I can't fulfill their needs anymore to make them stay so I stop. The relationship

A Lot of Tedium

2006-10-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

This is one of my least exciting posts ever, I won't be offended if no one is compelled to read it. It's long and tedious and I don't even want to read it over for typos. If was good that I wrote it, though. It has helped me sort through some of the chaos in my head. Without further warning:

Where have the last ten years gone? It feels like forever since I was 18 but it has only been ten years. Money problems are chewing on my brain so I'm trying not to think about them. Instead I am going to pound pavement and get a more promising form of income ala fast food. Yes, it seems that's the thing to do! Nothing like adding a little grease to my humid and sticky self.

I dove down to the spiritual depths recently and I couldn't handle it. I really don't have the luxury to analyze my life's journey right now. I almost need to be automotonic (that would be a good band name) and get my basic human needs filled before I can question my current reality. If I have a dark night of the soul at this time I would risk my living situation and I would probably flee again. This is the moment of truth, as they say. This is the point when I would collapse and run home. But that's not an option. Besides, I wouldn't make it very far if I got pulled over for ANYTHING seeing as how I am breaking the law by driving at all. If I had $2000 I would pay my car off, get minimum insurance coverage and then I would be able to register it in this state.

I don't give a whole lot of thought to consequences until they are happening to me. I'm not big on strategy games. I played chess last night with my friend David and neither one of us are big on consequences. The only reason I won is because I'm the one who just taught him how to play. But mostly I just wanted to make out.

There's something misfiring in my brain when I try to get organized. Maybe it's from all the drugs I did back in the nineties. Or perhaps it's just easier for me to sit down and twiddle my thumbs when I get to an obstacle that requires any determination. I lack determination. De-termination. Why don't we say distermination or untermination. We say, "That person has a lot of determination." Termination stops things while determination crosses over boundaries and decides things. There is something terminal in my thinking that halts my determination and dissolves it. I've never really been determined about much except giving other people the responsibility to determine my choices.

That must be it, then. I'm glad I had this digression. It makes sense to my twisted head now. The reason why I lack determination is because I haven't really been required to have much. I surround myself with helpful people who love to share their points of view. Everyone has an opinion on what I should do because I am so indeterminate. As long as I can stay indeterminate, those helpers will always come through. So I lack determination.

I also don't think about consequences very much. Gamblers don't think about consequences either. That's the thrill of gambling. If I really gave importance to consequences I would live a very safe life with wholesome fun and purity. I sure as hell wouldn't smoke. Every time I light one of those cigarettes I am betting more of my health on a losing hand. But we don't know the future, even if we try to create our own. I've tried to create my own future a lot of times only to realize that I didn't 'think it through'.

How can we possibly think through all of what may happen?! There are infinite possibilities in any given moment and a person can't possibly be prepared for all of them. I suppose there are ways to predict the future by looking at the odds, however. How many people have profited and how many people have lost everything? What kind of people were they and how much did they invest? I am suppose to see what has worked for others.

When all else fails do the obvious. I have to stop waiting for a miracle and start living. How many times have I said: God doesn't seem to like being predictable! It's when our eyes are straight ahead that God side-swipes us with blessing. They were just going about their business at Pentecost when ALL OF THE SUDDEN!!! Tongues of FIRE from HEAVEN!! They had no idea what to expect from what little Jesus told them. He just said, hang out in the city until the Spirit comes. I would have been like, will I know when the Spirit has come, Lord? How will I know? The disciples were pretty much just concerned about Jesus taking His Kingdom back. It's been a couple thousand years and He hasn't been here to take His kingdom back, as far as I know.

God doesn't fill us in on everything. If Jesus had said, "Wait in Jerusalem until the Spirit comes down like tongues of fire from Heaven and you start speaking in other languages. Then go and preach and Stephen will be stoned to death and Saul the Pharisee will be converted on the road to Damascus," the disciples would have stared at Him, blinked, and then probably started making plans to try and make that stuff happen the way THEY wanted it to go. Maybe they didn't like the part about firey tongues or Stephen dying a horrible death. If God told me when I was 16 that I would marry and divorce twice before I finally got a clue about guarding my heart, my wellspring of life (Proverbs 5:23), I would have laughed nervously and then been even more suspicious of each boyfriend. I would wonder, "Are you my future ex-husband?" Really the whole point is that I am thick-headed enough for it to take that much for me to learn discretion. Or maybe it's determination.

So I will stop taking such huge risks with my money and my heart. I've been gambling away the inheritance God has given me and now I'm left with nothing until I come back to the safety of the Father's will. I'll be a hired servant somewhere like Wendy's or Burger King because at least they eat better food than buttered spaghetti and fried eggs every meal. Pay checks can buy vegetables and health. I want to do it God's way and until I know what that is, at least I can stop taking huge risks and just do what I know will work. Safety.

Selling Courage to Strangers

2006-10-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

Disjointed. Dislocated. Distracted.

I am drinking a cup of coffee so I can get the dishes done. I know I am swirling in a toilet bowl of mental confusion when it takes morning microwaved coffee to get me to do the dishes. I just want to sleep my life away, not because I'm depressed but because I am confused.

Lost another love last night
guess I can't do nothing right

So I thought I would write and try to organize my spaghetti mind. The male influence has gone from me and now my motivation drags. What heals a broken heart faster? Sleep or activity?

I got a deep tissue massage yesterday. She helped my spinal fluid rhythm with what is called cranial sacral therapy. I saw a royal blue butterfly behind my eyes. There were no drugs involved, just a pair of lady hands and some oil. But where is my positive attitude now?

The caffeine is starting to work my nerves but I wish my brain would catch up. It feels like ketchup. Every time that bird chirps outside my window it sounds like my dog whining and my motherly instincts contract. That's just a sample of the distraction I am susceptible to. I shouldn't have drank that glass of wine last night. I might not have cried and I might have prolonged the inevitable. Some people would rather just stay where they are. I'm done trying to sell courage to strangers. I don't make any profit and it sucks the motivation right out of me. Plus it's so sad when I have to leave them behind. Why am I a ferrari? Why can't I slow down? Then I have days like this where I realized I crashed myself into a wall and now I have to put myself back together again. It seems like each time I rebuild I've added new features like air bags, safety warning lights, and a gps navigational system. Of course, God is pimping my ride. Now I'm at the shop waiting until I can drive again. Coffee might have been a bad choice since I'm confined to a small space at the moment. Restless. I suppose I'll have to go do some dishes now. I need to set my cilia free so I can get more oxygen to my brain. God will have to add that feature to my car: an anti-smoking arm that comes out of the dashboard and smacks the cigarette out of my mouth before I light it.

My brain's on overdrive now. Only it doesn't know what to focus on. My favorite word right now is: sedation. If only sleep would cure my soul.

Southern Comfort

2006-10-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview today at 2pm for a fast-paced bar and grill. I really hope I can start working again because it's been two days and I'm restless. I couldn't work at the daycare anymore because no matter how much I love those kids, I can't afford the pay. At least with tips I can make ends meet and possibly buy time to find a career job.

I've been exploring the possibility of being a full-time music student. There's got to be a grant or loan out there that could support such a dream. I have called and left messages with a couple different financial aid advisors. I'm going to keep bugging them until I get me some answers. There is an audition process that Southeastern Louisiana University has where some small scholarships are awarded. It's not much, but $1000 would help here and there. After I get some money I want to buy some study guides and get my math skills up to par. Anyone know where I could find a book on basic algebra, geometry, and trig? I have until December to enroll but I'm starting now. I may have to wait until next year's fall semester if I can't get my ducks to line up.

Social life is exciting. I am good friends with a boy named David who is a really fantastic person. But I am trying something different than the Mach-15 relationship that I'm famous for. We are starting as friends with an option to buy. Sort of a rent-to-own plan. Ha! Really, though, I am going to take it nice and slow. He's too special to just bulldoze with my overwhelmingness. We have fun though. Louisiana life is a lot of family and friends with cajun spices thrown in.

I performed at my first open mic last Thursday and it was GREAT! I really hope I can get Thursday nights off so I can be a regular. There are a lot of talented musicians out here. If I could take music classes I'm sure I would meet the perfect band and we would conquer.

The days move on, muggy and drowsy under the Southern haze. I like my accent and the fact that I jog almost every morning now. Emily and I are going to be Charlie's Angels or Charlize Theron or just SUPER GORGEOUS. We are on the fit wagon. I didn't know my body was capable of jogging 4 steady miles! I feel I could go 5 some days. Now if I could only kick smoking, I could go cross country. Marathon-style! Speaking of, I gotta go jogging before the temperature gets any hotter out there. Loving all you loyal readers that had faith in my return to blogging. I hope to write more as the computer is available to me.

Jesus is the WAY!

Bites Bite

2006-08-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

I probably have fifty bug bites. They are inflamed on all major points of my body: face, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, stomach, back, calves, ankles, and feet. That's what I get for staying out in the pool after dark. I was swimming with my roomies Friday night and we were dancing to techno music with a glow stick (but there were no drugs being used, silly). It was hilarious, but it hasn't been fun for me ever since. I'm on the dreaded day two of mosquito hell all over my body. I feel like I have leprosy. But I'm really glad that all the mosquitos around here are getting fat off of my precious blood. They bite everyone else too but they leave me with the welts. I guess after I'm here for a year or so I will have finally become aclimated to their nasty saliva and I won't itch so much when they bite me. But right now, not scratching my bites is all I can think about. I couldn't even sleep in today because of them.

So I'm off to the store to buy something to ease my discomfort. Until it's eased I'm afraid I'm of little use to anyone... :)

I Love You, You Love Me...

2006-08-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

Today I start my job at the Daycare/Preschool with the toddlers. I need to finish out this week at the hotel front desk, too so it will be hectic for me. It's kind of good because I ALMOST got bored. Just kidding, but there is a lull when Emily studies and the boys are doing some project around the property. They are putting up an above-ground pool this time. It's been hot and humid so it's a good idea to have a pool.

I sang with a heavy rock band on Saturday night! I just sang one song with them after no rehearsals or nothin'. It was "Time" by Pink Floyd. It was two steps lower than on the album. I don't know what it sounded like because I didn't have a monitor. So I just wailed it an octive higher to try to get above the drums and smiled like a fool. The bass player wants to play more with me so all I need is a drummer and a guitarist. It would be so great to sing rock and roll, WOOOO!!! It would be great to sing anything live...well not anything. I'm sure I'll learn plenty of kids songs at my new work...

Thems the happenins. Stay tuned for semi-weekly updates and random unpredictable morsels of deep spiritual truth. I'm loving my peeps.

huggies,
diana

Oil Lamp

2006-08-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

My goal is to learn how to balance light with flesh since I have to live in this body for however long God would have me here. I'm not going to be reckless. A lantern has glass around it because if the glass is removed then the slightest breeze may blow it out or things can catch on fire. The idea is to keep the glass on and to keep it clean and to keep the bugs from flying in and leaving burnt residue. Also we must allow oxygen to fuel it from the outside as well as oil from the inside. The glass is my soul and flesh, the bugs are demonic influences and/or distracting compromises, the oxygen is the fellowship of love for all humans believing and unbelieving, the oil is the Holy Spirit, the fire is my love for God ignited and kept lit by His unconditional love for me, and the light is my purpose and responsibility. The entire lamp is the story of my life and it goes where my life goes and shines on those people and places that I venture out to. The great thing is that as long as I keep oil and fire constantly on my mind and heart, the light will get brighter and show where the glass is dirty. If the fire is under a stifling cover of safety the dark specks can never be found. What is this life anyway? I am on a mission to learn the song, "Dust in the Wind" because it will help me remember that though this journey is to be respected and not taken for granted, it is also NOT the end-all-be-all of existence. I may mess up and get sick or crash in a moment of carelesness, but my faith is in God and His sovereign power to keep my foot from stumbling until it's time for me to stumble. With my mind and heart on Jesus Christ I won't sink into the waves. Even if my ankles get wet He still holds me up and will not let me drown.

Watch Boondock Saints

2006-08-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm working at Best Western as a front desk person. It's a little boring but at least I get to hang out with my boss's 18-month-old son and play ball most of the time. I am hoping to get a second job working with a lady who restores upholstery. It would be great to learn a skill that I can take anywhere. Customer service can be so tiresome, your whole day depends on the people walking in. At least when you work mostly with objects it's predictable and you can get better and better. We'll see. I've never done stuff like that.

Living with the roomies is so much fun. Everyone is studying so hard for their classes. The boys study automechanics and the girls study nursing. On a study night we have six people in the house. They study and I either play video games or read. One of our roommates brought another dog into the house and that makes four total. Now we have a dog for every person that lives here. They keep eachother in check so it's not too crazy.

Last night I saw one of the best movies EVER. It's called, "Boondock Saints" and if you haven't seen it, you really should. The bullets fly and the language is eff this and eff that, but it's really a classic movie. A lot of guys I know have been telling me to see it for years and I finally watched it last night. I don't want to spoil anything for ya'll but I have to say that the movie makes you think. It's really a movie about the sovereignty of God in the execution of bad people. It's kinda the same feeling as Man on Fire, only there's a lot more prayer. It begs the question: Does God have a special place in the Kingdom for those who act as His hand in the destruction of evil? I know our battle is not with flesh and blood but with principalities. I also know that revenge is the LORD's and His alone. But, what about all the Old Testament wars and even in the New Testament when Ananias and Sapphira were killed because of their evil deeds? There is no black and white when it comes to faith. We are all individuals and God deals with us individually. He chose the things to be written in the bible that would reveal His character to us, but it doesn't always help to reveal our own unique selves. The journey here is to become who we are meant to be under the covering of Christ's blood. amen.

The rest of my post was accidentally deleted. I hate that feeling so I must say adieu and farewell. Please pray that I get that upholstery job and I will pray for all of you my friends and family that God may give you peace and grace in His Son.

I Have Arrived!

2006-07-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

I got here to Emily's last night at 11pm. It was fantastic to walk into a full house! Sophia has two little dogs to play with named Jack and DD. More importantly, I have lots of kids my age to play with! Their names are Emily, Casey, John, and Michelle. They were all here when I arrived in road-tripped glee. John is Casey friend from work who also lives here and Michelle is Emily's study partner from school who pretty much lives here a lot too. I was brain fried from driving under the influence of RockStar energy drinks and hours upon hours, but we still managed to play some Scattergories to wind down and get to know eachother.

Today I'm gonna make myself at home and unpack all my craparooni. Let me just say that His Majesty Jesus Christ is the best! He's been schooling me on fear and how fear and doubt can cause accidents on the freeway going 85 mph (the speed limit is 80 through most of Texas!). At night while heading out of El Paso the white line in the middle has no reflector dots and you can't trust where the red tailights in front of you are going (because unless you're tailgating, you can't tell when the curve happens). One must focus untently on the faded lines a mere twenty feet ahead of you to stay on the road. So, being that I was in Texas and I didn't want to mess with Texan Truckers in the slow lane or Texan SUV pilots in the fast lane, I had to find a way to stay going 75-80mph without crashing. And talk about a black night! No street lights anywhere for many miles. I think I went between a few large hills or mountains but I honestly don't know. In any case Jesus taught me something really great that I wanted to share with y'all.

The future is shrouded in dark black mystery and we can only see a few feet in front of us. We never know when the landscape, weather, or vehicle will change the level of apparent danger so we must be alert and in prayer. We must always keep our eyes on the dotted white line and the solid white line. Don't follow other people because while it may look like it's time for them to turn, it may not be time for us to turn. Always trust that God is sovereign and He knows every microscopic detail of our circumstances. Resist the temptation to soak up everything around you because it could cost you a lot of time and pain if you crash because you missed where God was leading. Life is like cross-country freeway driving. It takes patience, courage, vigilance, and all of it comes by grace.

I like that analogy. I spent the whole trip with Jesus and it's only by His grace that my eyes have been opened and I am at peace.

The World in "Talks"

2006-07-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

I just updated myself on the worldwide occurances at cnn.com. Wow. Let's see:

U.S. is still trying diplomatic talks with Iran about their nuclear "issues". Iran, for now, is being just cooperative enough. But thanks to those Hizballah muslim terrorists, Iran might be torn between muslim world domination and peace with the U.S. (an assumption on my part, what's apparent is that they support muslim terrorist efforts with lipservice but want peace with the U.S. at the same time)

Meanwhile the U.S. is hoping North Korea will stop being like a little ankle-biter dog with a big ego and just comply with the "6-party talks" way of negoatiating. It's no fun to take the wind out of a little doggy's sails when they think they are somethin. Luckily China doesn't think North Korea is cute so we can count on the big dog next door to shut the little yapper up and stop throwing missiles around.

Then there is Israel and this is my heart's most troubling concern. With all the delicate diplomatic "talks" going on, the U.S. is kind of putting off Israel and it's little war on terrorism for the time being. It's understandable seeing as the ground is shaky for the U.S. and the controversial changes that we are making in Iraq. Even Vladamir Putin mentioned he didn't like what was happening there. Here Israel has to start up a bunch of crap with Lebanon over kidnapped soldiers. But, wait a second, there is something very important that I don't know if the Bush administration is considering: Israel is the holy land. Whether or not you believe in 'replacement theology' (where Gentile Christians become the new Israel of the bible), it bears repeating that Israel is known as the Holy Land. Things that come to mind when I imagine the U.S. refusing to support Israel like we are suppose to are the following: hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, and fires; terrorist attacks everywhere with a population over 5,000; the abomination that causes desecration set up in the Holy Place by the terrorist successes. Needless to say I am praying that we will stand up for Israel as we have promised even if it starts a third world war. The end will come and I would at least like to know that my country's Christian values weren't completely lost to the New World Order of "Might equals Right".

But I am just a little girl with a little girl's knowledge of world affairs. What could I know about what's really going on? Isn't it interesting the chaos that is beginning...

The Woman at the Well

2006-07-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

"Go, call your husband and come back."
"I have no husband," she replied.
Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true." (John 4)

Jesus offered this Samaritan hussy living water and said that one day she would worship God in spirit and in truth. I'm going through my second divorce and though I am not happy about being divorced again, I know divorcing wasn't the mistake. Marrying was.

One of the first things I am going to spend my money on, when I finally get settled in and get a job in Louisiana, is a tattoo. I am going to get a tattoo around my wedding ring finger that says ISAIAH 54:5. That will be to remind me that NO ONE comes before the LORD in my life. I know that it will take a lot more than a silly tattoo to keep me satisfied in God alone. It will take His grace and His provision. But at least it will hurt like a bitch standout for all to see. Maybe boys will be less likely to googoo all over me when I get back into shape and start singing publicly. I will be explaining why I have it to everyone and they will know my priorities. I don't know what God would think of it, but I want to do it for Him. I want to be HIS alone. and HIS first.

Anyone who might have judgments, this is no place for them. Because with the measure you judge, you shall be judged that same measure. No one knows what my situation was so no one can properly decide what I decided with prayer and patience. For those who's faith is weak, please trust that Jesus had compassion on the woman at the well and He is also Lord of my life.

Hither and Yon

2006-07-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

First stop in my plans is my best friend Emily's house. I'll work some jobs maybe get some sweet skills so I can make more money in this life without working too hard. I'm thinking bartending, automechanizing, and/or some kind of freelance photography. I met a girl the other night who makes a living doing that. Radical! Then after I make a nice little nest egg (and after I've made a possible trip to JAPAN to see my girl Kelsye) I will head over to Austin Texas:

A mere nine hours away compared to the approx. 36 hour drive from here to Louisiana. Austin's right next door! Anyway, I've heard nothing but great things about that city so I want to check it out for myself.

That's my tentative God-surrendered plan. ONLY IF HE WILLS. I must put that disclaimer in there lest anyone get the impression I am master of my own destiny. I wouldn't know what to do with a destiny if I could stick one in my pocket!

How Long Halt Ye?

2006-07-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waver between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him." 1 King 18:21 NIV

5If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. 6But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. James 1:5-7 NLT

3For if you cry for discernment,
Lift your voice for understanding;
4If you seek her as silver
And search for her as for hidden treasures;
5Then you will discern the fear of the LORD
And discover the knowledge of God.
Proverbs 2:3-5 NAS

(Borrowed from Malcolm Smith) The journey has three stages: INVESTIGATING, COMMITTING, IDENTIFYING.

INVESTIGATING
This is the stage I have been emersed in for ten years. though there are some truths about God that I need no more convincing about, I still go back and double check. It's almost like I don't trust the mind God gave me to place these truths in my subconscious as part of my identity. I think it's because I haven't committed fully.

COMMITTING
To commit is to decide not to look back. Liken it to your baptism. However, some people get baptized more than once which is them getting stuck in the commitment phase of the journey. I've been baptized once, but I haven't moved from the investigation stage in many other areas of my faith. You know you've committed when you are applying what you've learned to your daily life. I have done that, but not with much other than morality (to a point) and prayer in times of distress. I've learned more than that in my investigations and now it's time for me to commit to what I've learned.

IDENTIFYING
This stage I have reached in the areas of my personal preferences whe it comes to small things. Most people my age have done some identifying. There are some truths that immediately become part of the identity (example: I've investigated hallucinogens and they don't agree with me and aren't worth it. I've committed to never doing them again. I am now a non-hallucinogen-taker). When we can say, "I am Christian," we've made it part of our identity ONLY if we act accordingly. That's the major difference between stage two and three: people don't have to ask you about that part of yourself because they can just tell. The Hebrews never asked eachother what they believed, they watched eachother and that's what told them. You can UNDERSTAND something without BELIEVING it. You can say, "this is fact," but until you become a walking example of that fact, it isn't a part of your identity.

I'm excited about the IDENTITY phase when it comes to my faith because it means I won't have to keep investigating myself to see if I still believe God loves me. You know the impression you get when someone with a solid identity walks into the room? One of my favorites is when you can say, "Now THERE is a Rockstar!" Rockstars are comfortable in their own skin, no compromise and no fear about being a rockstar. They are un-selfconscious so that they can focus on others and share the music that courses through their veins. It's very dangerous and unhealthy for a rockstar to investigate himself too closely. I'd imagine a lot of rockstar suicides happened that way. Either that or they were so unconscious of themselves that they lost control of themselves. Like in X-men3 when Xavier says, "Don't let it control you," to the girl with the most power ever. It's very dangerous for a rockstar to not have Jesus and the fruit of the Spirit: self-control.

I am confident that I will experience a Rite of Passage soon. I don't have to go anywhere to experience it. It's within me as God teaches me about BEING myself. Soon after we've learned to walk as a baby, we walk without thinking about it. We run, we jump, and walking is the norm. Discovery is fun but I cannot halt there. I know and understand but I cannot halt there either. It's time to believe and become. It happens when we don't think too much about it.

Love loves me

2006-07-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

A friend told me today, "There are those who can give love and those who can accept it. But only a healthy person can both give and accept love." I am a love-giver. Does that mean I love all the time? Heck no. But I'm not a love receiver. That part in me is broke. God is going to fix my love receiver and then I will be able to receive His love. I'm excited, but mostly I'm terrified. He IS love. To truly receive Him is to receive love. I can feel Him tapping on my heart even now. He's such a gentle God. I use to think it would be cool to have my face light up like Moses'. But now I am quite trembling even to have God pay attention to me. It's the difference between talking about something and actually doing it. I think I've been playing around with the idea of Christianity this whole ten years! I haven't really let God love me. It's actually thrilling in a INFINITE and HOLY way. God's like, "Hold still and let me hug you." I'm like, "But, You are YOU, the I AM, The ALPHA and the OMEGA. Is this safe?" He says, "It is because of my Son. Be still."

I am the parable of the wineskins. At this time I don't know if I would burst or hold the wine. I don't know if I am a new wineskin or not. Maybe therapy has something to do with my wineskin. I totally trust God to love me but I find myself going, "Do You need me to help You with anything?" Duh. That would be blasphemy if I wasn't such a silly little kid. But it was sin when I tried to 'help' God. Now I am starting to realize that when we address God it should be a question, a petition, or a praise.

I feel like I have been under the influence of some sick drug my whole life. I HAVE been under the influence of LIES. God is calling me ever closer and it's scary business, but wonderful. I do want Him to love me and only He knows how to break through. Until He loves me I won't know what love is. Until I let Him love me I won't know what faith is. This is GOOD NEWS. I don't have to define love. God is love. It is the most intimate relationship to have Someone living within you. Only God will be allowed in if He wants in. It's too heavy for words. To write anymore would be disrespect.

Actually Talking to God

2006-07-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

All the resources at my fingertips, none has helped me greater than the Resource I have at my heart. But I still reach out with fingertips and words and I respond to the callings of this desire and that. All I had to do was talk to Him. Peace didn't wash over me suddenly, but like Jesus says about the Kingdom of Heaven, a small amount of yeast permeates the whole loaf of bread and caused it to rise.

I walked the blistering hot desert this morning before the sun had baked the earth for more than a couple of hours. It was still a comfortable 90 degrees or so. At first I felt foolish and disrespectful for addressing God aloud. But soon I was weeping and rambling on and on about my silly feelings. Every thought that passed through my head was immediately spoken and tossed up to God who knows them all anyways. I didn't know what it would accomplish other than making me look crazy, but no one could see me but God. The predominant feeling was that of a naive kid thrashing at the injustice of it all. I snotted on the backs of my hands as I wiped my face and blubbed on. "Pathetic," I said, "What a loser!" I said. It's really none of anyone's business what I say to my Maker in private. But I want to tell the world about how God in Heaven responds to even the whiniest of His children.

My day was fantastic! I owe it all to God. It's like He's telling me that He heard me and wants to be my comfort. Yesterday I was dejected and bitter but today I have been at peace and much more clear-headed. This morning I walked on shifting sand and complained my head off to God. I didn't pray or petition or give thanks, I just wanted to talk to Him about my troubles...out loud.

I like talking to Him. he's the best listener I know. :) Life may be confusing and noisy but in the morning I'll take in the desolate beauty of the desert and talk to God. Why did I think I had to be all pious to talk to God? It's not like I can keep anything from Him! He knows my heart, that I was upset and just wanted to vent. I talk to my family and friends candidly and honestly, I NEED to talk to God that way. Not because He'll be mad if I don't, but because it's intimate. We talk so much in our society today: cell phones, emails, coffee shops. He gave me a mouth and vocal chords to talk to HIM!

...the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" Genesis 3:9

He knew where Adam was. He just wanted to hear Adam say it...

A Dream, A Therapist, and a Book

2006-06-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

During our peaceful thunderstorm today, I napped. I also dreamt. In my dream, a bunch of people and their dogs were trespassing on my Dad's property and walking around the backyard. I was upset at first but then suggested that we call the City Council to have them put in a dog park somewhere else as an alternative. The trespassers weren't hip to the dogpark idea. (I translate that part of the dream as an illustration of how I allow my personal boundaries to be crossed without much of a fight)

In the next part of my dream I went into the house and sat on the livingroom floor. All sorts of people started showing up including my mom, Hugh Jackman, Keanu Reeves, and several neighborhoodlum-teenagers that I couldn't identify. We all pow-wowed on the carpet and everyone started telling me I should go. It wasn't rude, they were saying it for my own good, it appeared. I didn't want to leave because as I was walking out, that's when Keanu Reeves was walking in. I was so bummed to have to leave when two famous dudes were there chatting it up with my mom and eating crackers. But Hugh insisted that I go, in fact he gave me quite the look of admonishment. (this part of the dream I also attribute to my lax boundaries only this was in the area of 'what I should do'. Believing that people have my best interests at heart even when I don't know them that well like movie stars for example, I have followed their advice and given them unearned credence)

I couldn't help feeling a little suspicious of my houseguest's intentions when as I was leaving I heard them all chuckle. But I got in my car anyway and backed out onto the street. I tried stopping a few times and noticed that my brakes seemed too insensitive for comfort. The thought crossed my mind that someone had tampered with them, but I dismissed it. As I came to the crest of a hill I saw a dozen police cars in my rearview mirror coming towards me from a side street with their lights flashing. Looking ahead, I started down a steep hill and was shocked to see a river had formed across the dip of the road from a flash flood! There were other cars floating down it and a couple of people on a balcony above it waving at me to stop and backup. I was only going about twenty miles an hour but my brakes wouldn't stop the car even with both feet slamming the pedal to the floor. So my car floated on the river for a second or two and then began sinking. I grabbed my bag with my purse and climbed up onto the roof. From there I jumped onto the balcony with the person who'd tried to warn me and watched as my car sunk into the brown water, disappearing from sight. (this is an illustration of how unconditional trust of others leads me to blame them for failures or sabatoge. If I'd taken responsibility for my suspicions and checked the brakes, it wouldn't have happened. But, not wanting others to feel as though I don't trust them, I neglect to follow up on what I observe. I convince myself that everyone knows and wants what is best for me and in so doing give them the responsibility for my choices. I'm not paranoid but I am a little Mcfly-like in my foolishness and cowardice.)

I saw more horrific things in my dream as I sat on the balcony to wait out the flood. There was one moment when I had the terrible realization that everything I owned was in my car. But I didn't wake up with nightmare shakes or anything. I've been having 'lucid dreams' lately, the kind where you know you're dreaming. Back in the house with my mom, when Hugh Jackman had arrived she'd looked at me and said, "Am I dreaming?" I laughed and thought to myself, "No, I am." So when the policeman at the flood sight carried the legs of a dismembered corpse up the riverbank it didn't really scare me. I remember thinking, "Woah! That sucks!" But stuff like that used to really freak me out. But my dreams are more like illustrations now. There are times when I forget I'm dreaming and think stuff is real, but then I find I have the ability to tweak things for better or worse. It's then that I know I'm dreaming and can be more objective to the experience.

Today God revealed a blessing that He'd planned for me. I had my first meeting with my therapist and it went so well that I'm considering getting a job here in the desert and my own place so I can continue seeing him and help my Dad with expenses. Dr. K is going to teach me relaxation techniques the next time we get together so I can cope more easily with my anxiety. Also he plans to fill me in on the things I might not have learned as a kid so I can educate myself on how to be an adult. It's funny, we don't know what we haven't learned and so sometimes we can't figure out why others can accomplish more than we can. No offense to my beautiful parents because I am grateful for the way I am. I just have some rough edges that they didn't have time to help me polish.

I won't really know what's happening until something actually happens. My priority is taking care of what I have control over, my own choices. A wonderful book I am reading is giving my heart rest. It's called, 'The Pleasures of God" by John Piper. WHAT A BOOK! Sometimes we forget how happy our Creator is; how much pleasure He takes in His creation. This book is like nothing I've ever read before. I think I'll read more books about God and less books about how to serve Him or how to be a Christian or what to believe. Dr. K recommended "What the Bible is All About" by Henrietta Mears. I will be picking that one up soon.

Be Anxious for Nothing

2006-06-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

In my last post I wrote that I am "broke and wanting." While I have very little money, I would like to say that as far as the important things, I have an overabundance. God has been working in me for, well, my whole life but especially the last ten years. It's a long time to be seeking Him and to be watered by the Spirit. One thing I need to let go of is this idea that I am still desperate. This feeling of helplessness and desperation is a lack of faith on my part. I have come to the conclusion that it's my addiction to a feeling that gets me in trouble. That feeling is: anxiety.

I have always had opportunities to feel anxious about things. The stressful sensation starts a chain reaction in me that ends in debilitating depression and hopelessness. It's not something a Christian should go through. If I am confident that God loves me then there is no need for me to be anxious, ever. It might be necessary for me to mourn, question, or even doubt. But those things are opportunities for me to have faith. Hopelessness is not a Christian characteristic and it's high time I was washed clean of it.

The attraction that anxiety has is that it provides me with the rationalization to indulge in my fleshly desires. "Life is so rough, I need a (beer, cigarette, twinkie, fill in the blank). I deserve it after all I've been through!" So God has led me to an even deeper part of my psychosis. I have never fasted because physical self-discipline is not my hurdle. It's the emotional self-discipline that I haven't concquered yet. My brain is responding to an apparent danger and then my body reacts with anxiety. It should end there when I tell my mind and my body that God is in control and He will guide me into what I should do. But instead, the anxiety sends signals to my brain and then my brain thinks there is more to be afraid of so my body responds with a heightened sense of anxiety which then spirals me into inevitable hoplessness. Because the further I indulge the fear the farther away I am from believing the truth. The truth is of course that God loves me and He is my protector and my teacher and my comforter, among an infinite amount of other things.

I could have gone to therapy and been told this. I could have taken psychiatric drugs and dumbed down my emotional responses. I could have gone into the world and found this stuff out about my chemistry. But, no. God recieves the glory because He revealed it to me through my own actions. He showed me because I asked Him to.

Now, with that in mind I have only one thing to do. I need a paradigm shift at crucial moments when I might have indulged in fear before. I need to see the Matrix code for what it is, not what it appears to be. Jesus is the Truth and the Truth has broken through the lies in me. Hallelujah! Another time to praise the LORD! He is working here.

Don't Be Afraid

2006-06-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Throughout the bible God tells those to whom He speaks, "Don't be afraid." He is a loving and merciful God because He knows that He scares the bleep out of us. I've been living with my Dad for a few days now and it has been really great for me.

Sayings I have adopted in the last week and a half that are very important to me:

1. If no one else believes in me, God believes in me. He began the work and He will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. (1Thess5)

2. If my plans fail it only means God has something better planned for me.

3. I will honor my commitments.

In listening to preachers and having fellowship with my Christian brothers and sisters I learned that the world sees things in terms of deficits. They know what they lack and they focus on getting what they lack. A beautiful girl named Alanna Lin once told me, "Do what you can with what you have." Now that my exercise is to see things in terms of resources I have a lot more hope. It is because I remember that faith is the most important resource. The last ten years of my life have been a journey to teach me what faith is so that I could have some. I may be broke and wanting, but I am definitely NOT lacking in love for my God and King and in blessings of the Spirit that He pours out on me.

Reading through the end of Genesis and into Exodus I am at the part where God commissions Moses to go and speak to the Israelites in Egypt. Moses says he don't speak good. God says, "Who made mouths?" (NLT) That's so rad. I say to God, "I don't prepare good and I get distracted easily." God says to me, "Who made focus? Who made wisdom?" I say, "You did, LORD." It's beyond comprehension the confidence I have in the Living God to do His will in my life. I will just do what I think is best, wait on the LORD for guidance and trust Him when I mess up.

"But, Lord, I don't know who I am yet. How can I succeed?"
"Diana, who made you?"

Love is the Only Remedy for Terror

2006-06-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

All the healthy efforts of a crazy person amount to the same as the unhealthy ones. The problem at hand is that up until this point I haven't admitted that I am crazy. The monster within me is really smashing against the cage this morning. Of course I picked up my old habits to keep from killing myself. I suppose it's the lesser of the two evils, destroy or be destroyed. Now I only must decide WHERE I am going to be crazy. Will all my nutty antics be too much for my loved ones to endure? Sorry folks, it's just not funny anymore. Welcome to the rapid dissolution of a once upheld delusion. There is only so much a mind can take before the mind caves in on itself. The storms of this life are ripping at my teetering structure and though it may get top ratings as a reality t.v. show, it's my life and no one is going to pay a million bucks to put their ad between my segments. I'll do the only thing a crazy person can do and that is to go where the smallest flicker of light beckons. It's all about what we believe. Love is the only remedy for terror. When a person doesn't know love from a firm grip on their heart, there is only one hope. So I find peace in the blessed fact that I am not God. I was created for a purpose and even at my most vulnerable times when the enemy would throw that purpose in the blender and feed it to the pigs, I will stand strong for my Creator. Love is the only remedy for terror. God is love and if nothing else seems real, including my own thoughts, He is. HE IS.

"Don't cry for me argentina, the truth is I never left you." This puzzle takes smarts and though I may be lacking in those at least I have my silly childlike faith to fall back on. What is real, anyway? Is your checking account real or your monthly bills real? Are cutting words from the heart real? Are all the fears and failures of my past really real? Is choice real? It all comes down to one question: Who will you serve?

I have exactly enough money to get me to Louisiana and none to spare. I find that interesting. Where does faith belong in a culture of knowledge? If I can't find it on the internet, is it real? Challenge your reality and believe in Jesus Christ. If I'm going down I'm going confidently with my eyes fixed on who I believe is my Savior. Doubt plagues me and questions haunt my every choice, but what matters is what I do despite the monster inside. I am no match for my monster and so I won't fight it. I will stand behind my Savior where my survival is sure. He is my hero and He is my REALITY. Voices may plead and voices may injure but there is one truth that trancends all sound, feeling, and psychosis. This is the Truth whom I give my life to.

Finally, peace. If only the ones who love me could have this joy and peace. How I love them now that I am able to. Oh how sweet the taste of grace...

No Caffiene, No Nicotine

2006-06-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

This is my second day without coffee or cigarettes. I slept most of yesterday and last night and I'm tempted to do that again today. But I am going to see about pursuing music in the desert. My head feels wobbily and full of empty space where chemicals use to be. I don't know if I will ever leave the house but I'm thinking it might be a good exercise. To tell you the truth I am having a hard time thinking at all. It's amazing how a body can get use to being deprived of oxygen and poisoned daily so that when it's not being killed like that, it actually has to re-learned certain functions.

The more I think, the more I want to go right back to the way I was. There is this scent of hopelessness always wafting through my soul. But thank God it doesn't stay. This is dangerous business, denying the flesh. The rest of my life hinges on whether or not I can master my own body. The trick is to trust God with it and remember that it's full of chemicals and bad programming. I can't trust my own mind...

Father in Heaven, may Your will be done in my life. Heal me from these poisons and help me to be a better creature for You. Help me to be patient and yet self-disciplined. Help me to be steadfast and persevere through these trials I must endure. Be my sight and make my paths straight. Fill the empty spaces in my head and heart and soul with Your presence.

In Jesus' Holy name AMEN

Dreams and Goals

2006-06-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

What keeps humans going? It must be the ambition for significance. I want faith and I'm not playing around this time. Something's gotta give. Grace is my only hope and I plan to find it where ever I can. I'll do the thing that will break these chains off of me. I've been dragged around for years by the whim of my flesh and the influences of this dark world. And I believed I was so pure. Angels singing and praising the LORD, that's what I want to hear. Some people take drugs or overdose on death to hear that. But I will simply ask God to bless me with His presence. He has proclaimed freedom for the captives and I want all the freedom I can get. Not so my will can be done, but so I can do what's best for me: God's will. No more ziggin and zagging down the road of confusion. I want straight paths and intimate time with Him in the wilderness. I want God and more of God. I want to find out who I am. His name is, "I AM." So He can tell me who I am. That's my dream and that's my goal.

No more silly kid stuff. It's on, now. :) Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Hallelujah!

Discipline

2006-06-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ideas for my life are starting to formulate. It looks like camping by myself next week is out cuz I can't afford it. Imagine that! A person who can't afford camping. But my mom would never forgive me if I died of a heat stroke because I didn't bring enough electrolytes. Well, she'd forgive me but she'd give me a hundred year talkin'-to in Heaven. Just kidding. But really I shouldn't do such a rash thing right now. My Gramma is going out of town and she said I could stay down at her house while she's gone. I love my family. I really do need time alone and when you're penniless and have a dog to look after it can be quite a feat to be granted that time alone.

Lord knows I've been such a burden to everyone. I won't stop being one, either, not for a while yet. But I know that I want to take a few particular leaps of faith that I have been avoiding. Only two goals are budding in my still-confusing thoughts:

1. Discipline my body like Paul indicates: 1Corinth9:27

2. Discipline my creativity. Matt25:19

If I can't discipline my body then my entire life will be run by this bag of flesh and bones that carries me around. The quality of my life has greatly decreased the more I grant my flesh everything is believes it needs. For example: caffiene, cigarettes, naps, emotional outbursts, entertainment, and sugar can fill a persons day and night with things to do. I am sure at some point I will endulge in those things again. But I have never purposefully denied my flesh for the sake of the Spirit.

I've always admired the process that martial artists and soldiers endure. Also I love to watch people dance. There is something other-worldly about the discipline some people have over their bodies. I can't even touch my toes but I dream of being able to dance violently like Jet Li or gracefully like Ziyi Zhang. Of course these people have spent their whole lives practicing and again I say, I can't even touch my toes. Some people are built with a drive that cannot be stopped. My flesh is easily seduced by sugar, tranquilizers like t.v. and movies, and a well-written book. The drive has never been enough to keep me steadily practicing much of anything. If there is no reward on the horizon I will pretty much stop what I'm doing and get discouraged. What a baby! If I can't discipline my body then I obviously want someone else to do it. But the problem with that is my pride won't let any other human rule over me.

So much can be gained by denying the flesh. We are stuck in our bodies and though they are beautiful works of God, they need to be disciplined or else they are no use. Just like a dog! A good dog is a trained dog. Otherwise they might as well be coyotes or wild dingos that belong in the wilderness, not around people. Maybe that's why I wanted to go camping so I could have it out with my wild and undisciplined body away from people. It's true, the battle is the Lord's and I must endure it. I can't avoid it anymore because the damage is too costly...

Sowing Idols

2006-06-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

The most important thing in life is faith. Why can't I remember that? So many other things have taken priority over the one thing that will give my life meaning. After all the books I've read and all the sermons I've heard, I still didn't get it! I've been romanticizing triviality and meaninglessness. Some would ask the very pointed question: "How can she talk about faith when she still sins?" The answer to that question brings me to the matter at hand.

'Unfortunate consequence' plays an important role in growth, without it we wouldn't know we'd made a poor decision. But what about a chain reaction of unfortunate consequences that must blister into maturity before they are even noticed? We reap what we sow.

It reminds me of the movie "Secondhand Lions" when they bought all those vegetable seeds from the salesman and planted them neatly in rows. It took quite a while before they realized that what they thought was an array of colorful vegetables was actually all just corn, corn CORN! If they had known how to identify the seed with the plant they could have corrected the deception and hunted down the salesman. They could have gone about finding out what the seeds looked like in a couple different ways. For one they could have asked a gardener or a farmer. Secondly, they could have just bought one of each kind of veggie and looked at the seeds they had in them to begin with.

Do we know what we are actually sowing? I may have had a really noble motive in sowing what I I have sown. If I had consulted The Gardener would He have told me of the pain I was going to reap? The truth is, He did tell me through His word that I should wait upon Him. Instead I planted corn. We serve one master at a time and I was serving the god of instant gratification. A young calf is a wonder to behold and God should be praised for creating cattle. But when you elevate the creation to the place in your heart that the Creator should take, it becomes useless and empty. Why didn't the Israelites worship a living, stinky calf? Because anyone can see how silly a person would look bowing down to a creature that chomps on it's cud and says, 'moo'. But if you fashion it out of gold and set it in the light of the sun, suddenly the illusion is more convincing. It's not silly to gasp at the beauty of refined gold sculpted into the form of a necessary animal. So they took the cow, a creature with a distinct purpose in this world (to eat grass, reproduce, and be food for man) and made it the end-all be-all of their existance. Why would they do such a thing? I think it was their impatience. Somebody got bored with waiting for Moses to come back down off the mountain and got a stupid idea to serve a god that would come and go in the peoples' timing.

We want to worship and we want to serve. We are built with that purpose in common. But ever since we gave the devil permission to rule over us (in the garden), he has given us hundreds of other gods to serve besides the One True God. If only the modern gods were as obvious as the golden calf! Then we might see the obscenity of it all. But the gods today have names like Money, Success, Significance, Amusement, and my personal favorite Romance (see: happily ever after). The idol of Significance is another one that has left it's pedestal mark on my carpet.

When we are granted eyes to see how foolish we truly are, it's good to know the One True God is merciful. If He didn't love us we would have been been obliterated as soon as Eve sank her teeth into that fruit. We would have never existed. But, even the people lost in the flood heard the preaching of Jesus Christ. God went down to them to tell them the Good News of His love for even them. Even me.

Just because I take risks doesn't mean I am somehow going to do something greater than anyone else. My life is probably just a demonstration of what occurs in the Bride of Christ, the Church as a whole. Look at Hosea, the prophet! He endured his adulterous wife as an example of how God endures us. Through Hosea's experience the people were given an illustration of what it's like for God to be betrayed time and again for other gods.

YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME
Exodus 20:3

I was blind to what I was doing. If not for the grace of God I would have never seen how many gods were before Him so that I could remove those idols from His temple. He showed me my sin in a way that I won't forget this time. My heart breaks for the people that get caught in idolatry with me. Pruning means repenting and offering the dark part of me to God's furnace. It took me this long to see my sin. I was walking blindly in darkness with false confidence in my steps. The LORD God of Heaven and Earth saves me from myself and saves others from me, too. I pray that He would go crazy with those pruning shears and get it all off!

This intricately weaved existance is all according to His plan. Nothing will stand in the way of His plan being brought to completion.

Fell Through

2006-06-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

Why did I build my future on top of the frozen lake of emotions and coincidence? Crack, crack, ccccrrrrraaack! It doesn't take too much weight before everything crashed through and sank into paralyzing cold. I sure did pile it on, too! I carry so much colorful history (see:baggage) that unloading it on someone was too much for the thin ice below.

God can do anything. But it's not for me to decide what anything He does do. In fact, by praying and not recieving, we learn about the difference between His will and our will. By accepting the answers to our prayers with thanksgiving, ("Ouch! Thank You, LORD God of Heaven, for gracing me with Your discipline") we are humbled like Job.

My life up until recently has consisted of many attempts at finding out who I was made to be. Now, keep in mind that if I went into the 'wilderness' to pray on a regular basis I wouldn't have to have lived this process of elimination life.

Some things I have tried:

Being a film editor
Being invisible in Los Angeles
Being a struggling musician in Los Angeles
Being a hippy living on the road
Being a pioneer
Being a follower
Being a youth leader in a small town
Being infatuated with a sheltered Christian boy
Being a rocker in Chicago, resting all my hopes on an unsuspecting young family of five
Being a pizza delivery driver and living in my boss's spare room while soaking in reality television and American Idol.

to name a few

Disappointing Everyone

2006-05-31T06:58:00.000-07:00

My car is almost packed. I have a few more days of work and then I drive to my mom's and stay there for a couple of days. After that I will scrape my pennies together and drive through the desert to Louisiana. I am taking my dog and what remains of my heart. I've lost respect from a lot of people because of my decision to leave. But, just in case you are thinking about it, don't try to talk me out of it. I am used to disappointing people and being misunderstood. Whatever, I can't live like this. God knows my heart and I pray that He deals with me in mercy and compassion.

I'll probably write when get to my mom's.

I'm just trying to make it through this week. Jesus help me.

A Letter to Us

2006-05-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

(Revelation 3:17)
You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. -the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation.

That is from the letter to the church in Laodicea, the lukewarm church. I believe it is the last days church and the one we see so much of now. This letter comes to mind when I get frustrated with my Christian brothers and sisters. Some of them are conforming to the patterns of this world, some of them seem like big fish in their little ponds of churches, some of them just look at me with daggers of scrutiny and judgement. But, thankfully, not all of my brothers and sisters are as inconsistant in their Christianity. There are some splashes of fresh, cool water among the tepidness. I wade through the contemporary Christian culture and feel nothing as if I am out in the world, but not as firey sinful as they. Just bland, mediocre, and unexciting. Too safe for a risk-taker like me and too boring for someone who's lived a life of white hot brushes with death. I'm not talking about the church I attend now. I speaking about my entire experience with those who call themselves Christians.

Thankfully the water is cool at my church. Sometimes it's even icy like the stream I was baptized in. It's so refreshing and cleansing and I'm thankful for it. However, there are those lukewarm spots where you are sure someone just peed! I move away from those pretty quickly now. What's sad is I use to like finding those little comfortable spots, that is, until I realized it was pee. You catch my meaning? :)

When people don't stand for anything but themselves they always lose. Cowards don't choose sides they conspire with both and then run at the sight of a battle between them. Well, there will be a time of reckoning. God wants wholly devoted servants and soldiers. He has threatened to spit out of His mouth those of us who won't pick a side! In other words, He will pick it for us. And I'm sure Satan has a whole section of his dark kingdom reserved for cowards.

It makes my stomach turn when I think of how I still struggle with my own cowardice. Isn't it just so nice to eat Turkish Delight and be wrapped in the soft furs of deception? We get fat on creature comforts until our minds are soft like gelatin and we forget what we really care about. Writers and producers try to reawaken the sense of nobility and honor in us by telling us stories of heroes and heroines who stood for something. We soak up the eye-candy and leave the theatre with maybe the smallest hint of inspiration. But mostly we comment on the actors and actresses themselves and the special effects. Some of us can't wait to pick the movie apart by injesting the dvd extras. Why can't people just be told a story?

I think humans went from serving themselves to being slaves of themselves. And now they are slaves to money because money is the means by which we serve ourselves. Well, you can't serve both God and money. You must hate one and love the other. But, maybe money isn't the real 'master of the universe', maybe it's significance. The ultimate human quandry is, 'What is my purpose?' The lifespan of the average American is still under a hundred years so we are naturally obsessed with leaving our immortalized image imprinted on peoples' minds. The movie stars and models scream "REMEMBER ME!" with every flash of the photographer and every 'Action!' of the director. It's almost desperate how much humans want to be significant. Evolution is the destruction of the Invisible. Now all that matters is that we leave our mark and our fossile behind. But God says it will all burn...

Poor, wretched, naked generation. I look around at even the girls I go to church with in their shorts and tank tops and think of the modesty of long robes and dresses. Could this be part of the nakedness He speaks of? What would a girl with bare arms and legs look like to even Mary Magdelene? I don't think the prositutes of biblical times were as revealing as we are these days.

And we are so blind. Our eyes see the illusion of control and wealth. We can't even see that we have the need to see! Jesus holds the salve out just waiting to rub our eyes and open them to His wonderful love.

So poor. Everything we own is something we can experience with our five senses. We don't know that we are dancing among the ruins pretending there is wine in the broken stone cups. We chew on pebbles and pretend it's caviar. The illusion is so grand that we don't want to remember we are actually in a pod of protein with cables coming out of every major part of us. Darkness and death steal our heat and light from us as we soak in oblivion, only caring about what the five senses can decide.

Gold refined by fire. Trials and tribulations create beauty and burn away the dross.

White clothes to wear. Pure and presentable before the throne of the Father.

Salve to put on the eyes. Freedom from the illusion and the joy of knowing we are on the right side, the victorious side.

One Thing to Another Equals Revelation

2006-05-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Night before last I was walking through the house in the pitch dark without my hands out and I ran right into a beam with my face. I have a small little bruise on my nose now.

There were lots of mosquitos in the store last night and I love to kill them.

I made my mommy something for a late mother's day present and I have to mail it to her when it's totally finished. I'll post a picture after she gets it. I love it and I know she will too.

I am super excited about seeing X-Men 3 when it comes out in ten days.

Today I will visit with a girl from church, hopefully. She one of those girls with a lot behind the eyes, who you never know exactly what they are about. I want to spend time with her just the two of us. Maybe I'll be surprised.

I am convinced my dog is a genius. It's been really hot the last couple of days so she's panting more. She'll come and try to be a good girl by sitting in front of me wanting pets and she'll be puffing her stinky bref into my face. All I have to do is look at her with a particular expression and she closes her mouth and tries desperately not to pant. Her little doggy cheeks move in and out and she looks as though she's about to overheat. Then she turns her head or walks away to pant somewhere else. I just KNOW she is trying to be nice by not panting in my face. I smother her with affection and let her gnaw on my hand and slobber on my fingies.

My favorite thing about my job is that I can make people smile. Just when you thought every supermarket checker was ticked off at something, there's that Diana kid who's always got something silly to say. I love how humor disarms people. All I have to do is say what's going on in my head and people smile and play off of it. I usually crack up at what they say! There are some clever people out there. The old guys are my favorites. Last night this loud one was on a roll! He started with the lady in front of him saying, "You can ring my stuff up with hers." She looked at him and kind of half-laughed but not really. I was like, pfft! I've heard that one before. When it was his turn I say, "Paper or plastic?" He says, "Sure! How 'bout metal!" I grab a paper bag and laugh at him, this one's gonna be a peach, I think. "I don't know why you even ask me! You just give me paper!" He said some more things about how women love to make decisions for men, blah blah blah. I couldn't keep up with him but I desperately didn't want other people to think he was being rude when he wasn't. I just kept laughing and looking terribly amused, which I was. This guy pulled no punches! Finally I said, "You have a nice day." He nearly shouted, "I'll have whatever kind of day I wanna have!" I said, "All right! You have a day!" He walked away smiling and that's all that mattered.

Sometimes the most tore up people come through my lines. Women that are in their late twenties who look forty-five. Some of them no teeth, some of them false teeth. It's the "meth epidemic", I think to myself. These poor people, Lord. They are disintegrating and some of them even have kids who just stare embarrassingly at their fidgety parent. One lady had a horrible red blotch under her nose that she kept rubbing at, like she had the dirtiest dope and it was just eating away at her skin. God, I could hardly look at her. These people are shells with no smiles left in them. The smiles they do have for me are like weak attempts at waving to me from the abyss. Don't they have any chance of freedom? These, the poor in spirit. They push the black train full speed ahead to Rock Bottom. How much of this will they take before they will admit that God loves them.

I, myself, have a difficult time being loved. It's hard to love a lover. When other people love me it threatens my purpose of loving them. I shy away and timidly cower under their gentle hand. I soak it up for a second and then think, This isn't free, you know. Nothing this good is free. With a lot of the people in my life I have found that I was right. It truly wasn't free and it reaffirmed my belief in love. Well, for a while I decided that I wasn't going to pay for it. I also decided I wasn't going to charge people for love that I had to give. Love is not a currency and I realize that now. But, why is it that I feel I owe some people a huge debt? Those same people say, "Oh, you don't have to pay me back. Don't be ridiculous." But there is a phantom debt present either in my heart or theirs. Maybe the phantom reaches out and chokes me with words like, "How could you think that of me? After all I've done for you! I've given so much for you!"

I can't pay you back. So I don't want any more. I can do without love. I adapt because I am poor in spirit and I cannot pay. The debt collectors will come and try to strangle in out of me, but they'll get nothing; no blood from this turnip. Maybe they'll kill me. What good am I if I can't pay back what I owe in love.

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law." Romans 13:8

We are told to let that one remain outstanding, let it remain unfulfilled. It is impossible to pay it back and we shouldn't ask anyone to pay it back to us. We have to realize that we are comissioned to love and our paycheck comes from God the Father. Instead of saying, "That'll be $59.99, please. Cash or charge?" We are suppose to say, "No charge, ma'am. It's my job. It's what I get paid by the Boss to do."

Do you ever meet that employee who kinda seems to ask a lot from the customer? Or they are so miserable in their job that they want you to be miserable too? As God's children it should be our joy and pleasure to love! We aren't suppose to do it grudgingly, harboring resentment in our hearts toward our Boss like, He doesn't pay us enough and why do we have to wait to get paid till we're in Heaven? If you didn't know the job description, why did you take the job to begin with? You didn't think it would be this hard, did you? Well, work is work. That's why they call it work. Nowadays people sit on their fannies and type and talk and weasle the system and call that work. Well, there is no get rich quick scheme with the Kingdom. It's straight work, Sunday through Friday, one day off a week. Room and board are provided along with ongoing training seminars and books. Yes, there is room for advancement. What's the catch? You don't get paid until retirement, but that's okay because you'll have more than enough to live on and do a good job with and there is much better things to buy when we leave the jobsite. Benefits? Well, that depends on whether you get through the trial period without being uprooted or scorched by the sun. Then after that it depends on the hours you work, whether full time or part time. It's really about what you do with the hours you work. Then you may be promoted to full-time with benefits.

It's makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Another "Little Christ"

2006-05-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

I watched the first part of a discipleship dvd last night. What really stuck with me was that Jesus called His disciples and said, "Come, follow Me." Matt 4:19. Jesus said "You did not choose me, but I chose you." John 15:16.

He asks us in Luke 14 to count the cost of following Him and realize the investment and dedication it will take to be made like Him. I see now that in begging God to spare me from the ravages of hell, I find myself at the feet of Jesus Christ, the Rabbi. The demons in me have been cast out, my eyes have been washed so I can see, I have been healed and forgiven so much that my tears wash His feet and my hair dries them. Now He calls me to follow Him. Now that He's introduced Himself to me by healing me and speaking the mysteries of Heaven to me, He wants me to follow Him and be His disciple. He wants me to watch His every move and imitate Him until it becomes second nature. I cannot see Him with my eyes, but as the disciples were walking on the street unknowingly accompanied by their Lord and Teacher, didn't their hearts burn within them? And He is with me in my spirit, closer than any other teacher could ever be. He disciplines me and corrects me, refining me closer and closer into His likeness.

My goal is to no longer to make happiness or sadness my primary concern. It has been burning holes in my walk like Jolly Ranchers burn holes in my teeth. It can be sweet, but too much of a good thing isn't a good thing. However, Jesus Christ is teaching me many things. And 1Corinthians 2:10 will be my reminder that I'm not alone in becoming a "little Christ" (Christian). We want to be like the One we worship. We adore Him and want to live our lives in His footsteps. What a perfect plan to give us His Spirit so that it is possible!

And the Rabbi's Spirit never leaves me. He is always teaching me, transforming me by the renewal of my mind. This is one of the outlines for the teachings of Jesus, given by Paul:

1 Thessalonians 5:16 is my favorite!

Go to the Rock

2006-05-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

Worship was great! I was a little nervous but I think it went just splendid. The greatest thing was, I worshipped God and desired that the whole church did the same. I was concerned that I might be a distraction, but true lovers of God can worship and do worship Him in spirit and in truth so no amount of distraction gets in the way when it's time to worship. It was a humbling experience in that I was part of the Body of Christ and performance had nothing to do with it. Humility is freeing in so many ways...

We sang a song called "I Go To The Rock" and I've had it stuck in my head ever since then. Where do I go when there's no foundation stable? I go to the Rock I know that's able, I go to the Rock. Such a great tune.

I just had beautiful fellowship with my Emily and I just wanted to praise God for that. Thank You, Father!!

Faith to Love and Fast

2006-05-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I went to worship practice Tuesday. Yes, I said WORSHIP PRACTICE! I will be singing high harmony with the Lord's help this Sunday bright and early 8:30am! woooo! I won't be playing guitar though, because I didn't get time to practice the songs. I've been basking in the luxury of my sorrows...

We really have too much time on our hands. I just finished a Christian novel called "Redeeming Love" which is the best Christian novel I've ever read and very different than what I'm use to. It's a romance novel set in the 1800's during the gold rush. Talk about people with things to DO! Planting corn, making clothes, milking cows, tending horses, making babies, making pies, yeehaw! I mean, I sit on my ever-expanding bootie and chew my nails to the sound of my dog whining and blaze through half a pack of smokes and a couple of beers all by myself. Lord have MERCY!

What I've really been thinking about is the fact that fasting has crossed my mind again. I was listening to Chuck Smith on tape today. He was preaching on Matthew chapter 6. There is a part in there about fasting. He said that these days people are mostly all about the flesh. We have so many luxuries that we can indulge in, we are losing the strong connection with the things of the spirit. The idea behind fasting is to deprive your flesh of the things that it cries out for in order that you may develop the fruit of self-control and silence the flesh more readily. It gives one pause. You mean, if I just choose to deny myself the fleshly conveniences of this society that my flesh will eventually quiet down enough so I can hear what the Spirit says? Another way to know the will of the Father! Also it is practice for hearing the Spirit in the midst of outside screaming in the world and the screaming and whispering of the devil. But, the scream of the flesh is more difficult to ignore than anything I've ever been distracted by, except maybe fingernails on a chalkboard.

The screaming I can look forward to will go a little somethin' like this, "What are you DOING?! NO cigarettes?! Are you insane?! You will be a raving lunatic in a matter of hours! How will you do your job!?" and "What?! No lunch?! Just measly water?! Do you want to get homicidal?!" The real kicker is when she screams, "How can you love your neighbor with such a short fuse? You should just smoke. It will help you keep the commandments and you will be a good Christian to love others calmly and rationally."

GASP! Light bulb moment! No, really, I totally am having a revelation right now.

No wonder quitting smoking was so hard! I wanted God to just take away my cravings like *POOF. They're gone* But that wouldn't teach me faith. I mean, if my cravings were gone, it would be easy for me to feel pious and loving. I might even forget that it was God who took the cravings away. No, this is a battle of faith and God is the victor. The idea is not to fight the cravings but to fight to love despite the opposition! Only in faith can I continue loving during such detox. Just as I cannot defeat Satan without Jesus, I cannot keep the law without Jesus. The whole point is to love. Have the faith to love. Life doesn't get easier as a Christian, we just get more faith. It actually gets harder by comparison. So He's telling me to persevere and trust Him so that I can learn to have the faith to love, not so I can eventually get a blessing package on my doorstep.

So, if fasting means I will have to have more faith to battle the flesh and dominate it then so be it. I'll pray about it and then maybe I will get the courage to do it. The toughest battles are always with ourselves...

Dreams are Filters

2006-04-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

If God is going to use my music for His Kingdom and this has something to do with it, I need prayer. If it is just a tempting detour from His actual will for my life, I need prayer. I had a dream last night that I was walking along the side of a freeway while huge black semi trucks thundered by. I came to a place where there was only a guardrail between me and a mountain. It was kinda funny because I wasn't scared of being hit even though it seemed like the drivers wanted to hit me. But then I thought, "Maybe I should be scared", and for a moment I faked being scared to see if it would work. I took a quick look around at let out a whine, but... my heart rate didn't go up. At that moment a big, evil truck headed straight for me and I merely climbed up and over the guardrail onto the small space next to the mountain and walked away. As the truck approached, I calmly remembered these words, "The Lord is my refuge. He is my protection." I said it with a confident smile and I wasn't hit, miraculously. There was just screeching tires behind me and I kept my face forward walking along the guardrail, completely at peace. At that point I either woke up because of that peace or because I realized it was a dream.

My dreams have been showing me my inner condition. I know that sometimes dreams are like a coffee filter that gets thrown out the second we awaken. The activities and thoughts of the day are the coffee grounds and the water that percolates through is the soul. What's left in the morning is a strong pot full of flavor and rich memories that we keep as part of ourselves. Lately, my coffee filter has had some holes in it so that little grounds escape and end up in the brew. So I examine them and find that some of them just dissolve with time but some of them I drink and find that I am grateful for the holes in the filter. Is God poking holes in my filters? In any case, my faith dreams are looking more hopeful. It's comforting to know my subconscious would survive a long walk on a dark freeway bridge full of demonic semi-trucks. Only by faith, of course. And it's by faith that I intend to walk into any situation where my music may be a tool.

Precipice Path

2006-04-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a women's retreat! What a great weekend! Possibly the best church-people experience of my entire life! I was so blessed and I think I even blessed them a little.

In this life we will have troubles. After a weekend like I had, it's hard to believe I will have any more of them. I have been inhaling the sweet air of renewal, rejuvenation, and repose. But this isn't Heaven and though the love of Christians for one another is as a warm breeze over the garden, one must still be in this world until one is taken out by God Himself. Now the faint reek of the enemy has mingled with the sweetness of light like poop-scented bathroom freshener. I ignored it at first and remained joyful and at rest. But in my giddiness I found I was overdoing it and being slightly dishonest with my feelings.

Nobody likes it when the laughter ends or the smile falls as the situation changes. We Christians walk on the edge of a dangerous precipice like naive toddlers. By Jesus' Spirit I am able to hold the hand of the Father. This weekend He carried me to a meadow far from danger so that I couldn't even see the edge and He smiled as I played in safety. I spent that Sabbath rest with some of my sisters and occasionally we knelt together at our Father's feet and prayed with thanksgiving. Then comes Monday and our purpose for being on the path that winds along the precipice. He walks us back to the danger that we'd almost forgotten about. It's scary at first until I remember He holds my hand firmly and watches my every move with love and protection. I look up at Him and rejoice that He is with me. I dance and sway and suddenly I am enraptured by the amazing feeling I have and all I want to do is dance, not walk on the path. I lose myself in the sensation and forget why I started dancing to begin with. Other times I've gotten lazy, self-ambitious, indignant like a spoiled brat, or just plain distracted. My mind would get fuzzy and I would let go of His hand...

Lately, the time between letting go of His hand and realizing I've let go is getting shorter, but it's still very unpleasant. I've have been known to see Him over there beckoning to me and I turn away from Him, saying, "Now why doesn't He want me to go this way?" (the question 'why...?' when it comes to God has always gotten me into trouble, then I read Job) Pretty soon I would end up in a wilderness full of wolves or staring straight down into a sickening drop that disappears in some fog. Wailing, crying, tears, and repentance would be the order of the day. Then He heals me, teaches me, comforts me, and strengthens me. Then He picks me up and takes hold of my hand again.

With every lesson I think I am finally learning to stay focused on Him and not let go. In fact, He has told me just to keep looking at Him during the whole journey! This seemed silly to me at first because I would miss the scenery and stuff. But when I actually kept looking steadily to His face one time I found that I could see so much more, like I had eyes on every part of my head. But the minute I would get distracted by what one of my fifty eyes were seeing, I would look away, lose the miracle-sight, and feel suddenly blind even though I had two working eyes. I find that life is so much more abundantly rich when I am looking to Him. It's not always giddy laughter or strong marching feet. It's balance and variety. It definitely keeps me on my toes. It's an adventure!

I have a strange feeling the longer I keep my eyes on Him, the sooner I'll find myself out in the middle of an ocean walking on the waves. Or maybe I'll run so swift that I will blur past horse-drawn carriages and SUVs. The idea is to keep my eyes on Him...

Pray for the USA

2006-04-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

What is mankind? We are specks and God is bigger than the universe! 'What is man that You are mindful of him?(Ps. 8:4)' Yet, every hair on our head is numbered and every one of us is known by God. He wants us to populate Heaven with our sanctified selves to love and adore Him for eternity. That's so cool.

Lately I have been looking around at my culture in disgust. All these little mortals parading around with their pomp and pride snipped here and siliconed there. It's ridiculous! We are worse than the idolators of Moses' day because we have new technology to make ourselves look inhuman in the name of popularity! It's completely wrong to see someone made in the image of God with their face stretched unrecognizably and all of their female or male extremities made unnaturally large. This is a culture that lusts for pleasure and self-gratification. It has forgotten God unless it is a feel-good god they seek. As soon as God becomes this huge being to be reckoned with, they say, "No thanks, I want the God of prosperity and positive thinking."

I am about to go somewhere that can be misinterpreted. I love humankind, but I also know we are under a reign of darkness at the moment. I had a dream last night about a menacing black tornado that was about to touch down right outside my window. In my dream I prayed that God would spare my house and my family. What was interesting was that my house was covered in crushed red velvet and it had the style of what you'd see in the french quarter of New Orleans. Symbolic enough?

I don't agree with the televangelists that have been spewing professions of God's judgment on New Orleans for all it's daquiri-drinking, top-lifting, loose women and voodoo. If I agreed with those men I would have to say God has judged Tennessee and Indonesia and India! The truth is, we ain't seen NOTHING yet. God has been merciful to us for a long time. We have changed into a perverted, God-slandering country during the industrial & technological revolutions. This nation was founded on Christian principles by Christian forefathers. Now it is quickly becoming atheistic and it's obvious what direction our economy and ecology is going. I am praying for the USA. We have been "under God" for over 200 years and now many wealthy atheists are trying to push our nation out from under His protection and grace. Well, my fellow Americans, it shows. I think the tragedies of 9-11, the hurricanes, and now the tornadoes in the midwest are merely warnings. I believe that as children of God, it is our responsibility to plead with Him on behalf of our nation. However, He is just and good and all that He does is perfect. I pray that it's His will to protect His children whether by rapture or just placing a 'hedge' around us. If we do survive the small warning disasters our nation will continue to face, it will give us opportunities to share God's love with the hurting and confused. I'm not afraid, but I am praying a lot.

When I read the prophets I really get heavy-hearted. God is opening my eyes to the condition of the American people. He is so merciful and wonderful to us, who are deserving of His wrath in the fullest. He is longsuffering and patient with us. When His wrath does come down from heaven it shows the condition of the hearts of the people. Most of the time it takes mind-wracking tragedy for a person to see exactly what they are made of. When the ground falls out below you, what do you reach for? Who is your god? My practice has become to reach for the Most High God (the only God) before tragedy strikes and before I am desperate.

It's shocking to me that during the tribulation people will be so hardened against Him that they will hate Him and blame Him because of their suffering. I'm sure that in the days of Noah, the sinful people raged against God even as they drowned. If we are going to blame God for anything, let us rather give Him credit for the good things in our lives. Did He bring us into being in our mother's wombs? Yes, He did and we didn't have a choice whether or not we would be born. But ever since then we have had a choice. I believe God, in His mercy has placed all of us in the most likely spot to choose Him. Those who never will chose Him, He has given over to their sinful desires and to the service of the enemy. It's true that for some it would have been better if they were not born. But, God has allowed us to reproduce and if He were to keep the lost from being born just to spare them their evil existance, He would have taken away a huge facet of our free-will reality. If none were born except those who were to go to Heaven, what would be the point of even giving us free will? Every one of us would surrender our free will to God's will at some point. But He has allowed evil for His reasons, perhaps because we wouldn't have seen that He is GOOD otherwise...

Existential philosophy thoughts. I love that I have an answer to most of my tough questions about the extistence of mankind. The rest is faith in my personal life and in the infinite things that I cannot comprehend. But, really, whoever is reading this: Please pray for mercy. Pray for rapture or provision that we might be taken up or taken to the needy of this world by His love. If there is an ounce of prophecy in your blood I suggest you find a way to rally the troops to pray. If only we could get our president to declare a national fast and to strip down to sackcloth and weep for his nation. Then God may spare us like He spared Nineveh. His children here are the only hope for this place. With the fresh blasphemy from Hollywood and the 'prosperity gospel' rampant in so many churches, we are starting to see who are really Christians. When the wrath hits the fan, even more children will be revealed for who they are. We must hold together and be the Body of Christ. Find your buddy and fellowship with them and pray to our God with them. That He may be given the glory in whatever tragedy awaits us.

Always to Him be the glory and honor and praise!! His faithful love endures FOREVER and His Word will never pass away! Hallelujah.

Faith Indicators

2006-04-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Every moment is unique unto itself. When someone says, "I'll do better next time," it really isn't accurate. But God gives us chance after chance to have faith in worldly, typically frightening situations.

I heard a preacher say an amazing thing yesterday. He said, "When trials and tribulation happen to us, it isn't those circumstances that get us angry or sad or depressed, it's the condition of our heart. It reveals to us what was already there." He's saying that anything can happen to us, it's the way we respond that is significant. This happens to us Christians to reveal our character and show us what part of us needs to be surrendered to God.

Last night I had a dream I was walking down a street littered with partying and drinking people. Suddenly I felt someone poke me behind my knee with something small and sharp. I reached down and felt a small needle, or I thought I did. I turned to the girl who had done it and yelled, "Did you stab me with a drug?" She just smiled menacingly. I grabbed her by her shirt and pushed her against the wall. Then I realized what I was doing and composed myself, saying, "Well, if you did, God will let me know and I will come looking for you." (That's funny to me, because that's the way I brought God into it. It did calm me down in the dream and I did feel love for the girl, and pity but I was also very much angered and scared.) I wiped off some of the beaded sweat that was on her face and it came dripping off my hand. Just as I let go of her I felt some of my own sweat trickle off my forehead. I knew then that I was under the influence of the same thing she was on. She said something like, "Oh, just go with it." But I was enraged. I started to feel the effects of it and I was dizzy and barely able to breathe. The crowds got thicker and my brother David was with some of the people that came up and pressed in on us. I cried out to him, "David! I got stabbed with a drug! I didn't want it to happen! She stabbed me with a drug!" But he was completely wasted himself and couldn't hardly stand up straight. I told the girl that she'd better run if my brother found out what she'd done. But David just swayed and didn't even look me in the eyes. At that point I began feeling very claustrophobic and yelled, "I have to get out of here. I can't breathe!" As I shoved through the people, gasping, I woke up on my stomach, gasping, with my head all crooked to one side and it was very HOT in my room. No wonder I couldn't breathe! I was twisted up under huge blankets with the heater up too high and my airway constricted. But, it was an interesting dream anyway because it showed me several things about my condition:

I feel that the dream indicates that if I was put under the influence of anything, by force, that I would be afraid. If I was afraid, I would forget to have faith. I can compare it to when Paul got bit by the viper and he just shook it off. Instead of having 'faith' (see: fear) in the known fact that vipers venom is deadly, he had Faith that God was there and was keeping him safe so that he could continue preaching the gospel. The snake was dangling from his hand long enough for the islanders to whisper that justice must be at hand in the killing of this missionary. But then Paul was like, "Shoo, viper!" and threw the little sucker into the fire. Aside from being totally awesome of God to show His provision in that way, I'm sure it also demonstrated Paul's faith. Not that Paul needed further evidence, himself, but it reminds us to believe in God in the most unexpectedly dire circumstances. I mean, Paul had just survived a shipwreck along with the entire crew of the ship. So he survives a shipwreck, just to be killed by a stupid snake? Thank God it didn't turn out that way. The dumb viper only came out because of the fire that was being built on the sand. Snakes are attracted to warmth, them being cold-blooded and all. Anyway, the snake messed with the wrong mammal and God used it to show me His glorious triumph over another serpent.

But, alas, I am not Paul. So in my dream I was 'bitten' by a venomous substance and I panicked, had cheap peace for a second, and then panicked again. It shows me where my faith is. Thank God it wasn't a real situation! As I am remembering more of last night's epic dream sagas I realize most of my dreams were about things going dreadfully wrong. In one of them the drug test I took for my new job came back unusable and there is no retesting. But in that dream I trusted that it was God's will to keep me from working there, since I asked Him to close doors if that was the case. Needless to say, I'm a little tired this morning.

God has given me the memory of these dreams as a diagnosis. I asked Him for one after I'd heard the preacher say what he said about the heart's condition. I think the whole point of this life is to give God glory in acknowledging that He takes the most wretched and crusty piece of clay and creates something so beautiful it almost looks like Jesus. So, when trials and tribulations come my way, I will look past them into the face of my Heavenly Father and see the Truth about myself and my faith. Then I will pray and obey accordingly.

Vine Abiding

2006-04-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

We live in a world where mankind's lusts have created nuclear weapons. Lust for knowledge and lust for power. This is when the prince of this world is ruling. But he is defeated because God so loved this world. What a precious possession we are, to be bought at such a price. We are bought with the pure, sinless blood of love. Love embraced death as payment for us when He could have lived seventy more years without us knowing about His true identity and then died and went home to be with the Father. But He didn't, because He loves us. Silly little mortals that we are but we are the Bride of the Christ. He is our King and we are His adoring creation, loyal only to Him. In this world we are tested for many reasons. One of the reasons, I believe, is to define the depth of our loyalty. He knows how much we will endure for Him but we need to know too. We see how He has changed us when we realize that we aren't afraid of the furnace that burns so hot that it kills the guards that stoke it.

My issue is that I think I have to accomplish some great and noble mission here in this world. But the truth is: He is the only mission I am on. Jesus Christ, the Vine in which I abide. Every day my love for Him is more realized. He's all I want to think about and all that I aspire to be like. Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise! Thou mine inheritance now and always! Thou and thou only first in my heart! High King of Heaven my treasure Thou art!

However, words cannot really express the peace that comes with abiding. Things aren't exactly smooth in my worldly life, but for once it's not that big of a deal. I've learned a little more about abiding in His love. Someday I'll write a song about it.

Faith Out of Freedom

2006-04-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

I recorded five of my songs when I was in Louisiana. Emily's producer graciously set me up with a fine demo to send to the Library of Congress for registration and protection. Now Everson Blue are laying tracks of bass and lead and possibly drums on top of my silly demo!! For the love of music! My trip out there couldn't have been more full and vibrant.

Talking on the phone with your loved ones just isn't the same. I mean, Em and I have spoken on the phone a LOT. We've probably put in as many hours on the phone as we have over coffee, face to face. It serves for communication and it's helped us to formulate our words and focus on a conversation in the presence of other distractions, but it just isn't the same. When I was sitting across from her (she even moved her couch so we could be DIRECTLY across from one another) holding my mug of coffee, listening to her, it was like a flashback from when we were kids and spent every weekend together. As we got older we would

What Up Ya'll!

2006-04-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

I've been here in Louisiana for almost a week and tomorrow I fly home. Booo!!! I mean, I want to see my family but I don't want to leave my family, ya know? We had a crawfish boil yesterday and today I am going to the studio to record some songs with the Bean. Emma Bean. I can't upload the pictures onto her computer but stay tuned for lots of neat ones when I get back home.

What a great time it's been. The people here in the South are really great. So laid back and warm and they sure do know how to have a good time! Add Emily, her mom and I to the mix and you have an all out rager with flying lemon merange pie and WAY too many Britney Spears moves in the dust.

You know what's cool? Sharing Jesus while I'm buzzed. There are a lot of 'prodigal's here that need to come HOME. I also explained Jesus to my 8-year-old friend Erica. I don't see it as a hypocrisy but I know some people that do. God knows I have self-control even under heavy alcoholic influence. I didn't sin, I just got way buzzed.

Anyway pray for me and my new Louisiana fam. I wish I could live in too places at once...

The Silly Cyst

2006-03-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

Doctor Gyno called this morning. She said the cyst can just chill out in my bod because there are no solid parts to it, it's straight liquid and therefore benign (typically). It's not very big and it's not on my ovary (its somewhere in my poop-shoot/bowel area) so it won't effect pregnancy (if that's in God's plan). I should get periodical check ups every six months on it to see if it's growing solid parts or if there is any pain. But surgery is not required. I just have a $150 appointment in a couple weeks with the General Surgeon M.D. for my first official 'check up'. It beats $2,000+ surgery and fun with a scalpel. Thank you GOD for hearing our prayers.

Don't forget to read the short story I posted below. I'm really excited about writing little bits of fiction. If you haven't read the other one, HERE it is (another adaptation of a parable). They aren't pro, nor are they fully revised and edited to perfection. They are just little jewels in my heavenly treasure pile, so to speak.

Plank and Speck - A Story

2006-03-27T17:41:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a man with a plank of sharp wood sticking out of his eye at about an arms length. It seemed he was unaware of this plank because nearly every time he went to turn his head and look, he’d either jab somebody in the cheek or whack them on the back of the head.

They would yell, "Hey watch it buddy!" or something like that and he would glare at them and stick his thumb behind the badge on his lapel. The person would rub their sore spot and say quietly, "My apologies, officer."

His name was Inspector Woodrow Iris and he had one delight in life and that was his profession. From morning till evening he would walk the streets of Canceymutch Quarter watching the people go to and fro on various business. In one eye he held a very sophisticated eyeglass which he thought made him look like Sherlock Holmes. In the other eye was the plank.

You would think that a piece of wood sticking out of a person’s eye would have been painful and some would even think it was physically impossible. But, the people in Canceymutch were a very different kind of folk. Every one of them had a serious eye problem of one sort or another. Some of them had specks in their eyes that made them red and itchy. Those people spent most of their time trying to rub them out, but this only made it worse. However, most of the strange folk had sticks and planks of all shapes and sizes in one eye or another. The interesting thing is, none of them realize it. There was a strange fear of mirrors in that place perpetuated by an ancient wives tale. The superstition was that if a person looks in the mirror they will be reversed so that their left hand is their right hand and their right foot is their left foot. None of the folks have grown up without the story of "Mister MacFlirror who Looked in a Mirror". This unfortunate man’s thumbs and big toes ended up on the wrong sides of his hands and feet! All of the people of Canceymutch would rather not see what they look like anyway. They are far too busy looking at others and being looked at by others.

Which is why Inspector Iris loved his job so much. He got paid, and very well I might add, to scrutinize the people of his town. He sometimes had a little fun with the townsfolk by pulling a magnifying glass from his coat pocket and glaring with his good eye while saying, "How can you see anything with that piece of soot stuck in your eye? Ha ha! I could fine you for that!" The people would usually gasp and rub their eyes embarrassingly while they hurried off. No one could ever tell if they were going to be fined by the Inspector.

He was an expert interrogator of his suspects. None of the other investigators knew what his trick was to getting people to tell the truth, but he always did. You could say that Inspector Iris was one of the favorites among the bureaucrats for his funding of city projects.

One glaringly sunny day the Inspector was making his usual rounds through the Quarter. Suddenly he happened upon a young lady crying behind a water fountain. He felt something in his chest that made him pause and try to remember if he’d had something sweet for breakfast that morning. When he remembered that he’d in fact had greasy ham and eggs, he couldn’t understand why his chest felt so wonderful. He thought for sure his heart had turned into a piece of candy at the sight of the girl.

"Ahem," he grumbled, "What’s this? Crying? I could fine you for that." He breathed a half-hearted, "Ha," and took a few steps closer to the girl.
She wiped her nose and turned to look at him.
He jumped back suddenly. She had a ghastly black speck in her eye that looked very painful. But just as he was shuddering at the sight of it he realized she had also jumped back at the sight of him.
"Your...eye!" she yelled, pointing at him.
"No!" he protested, "Yours."
The girl grimaced, "Doesn’t that hurt?" She went to touch the plank that was only an arms length away from her.
"I don’t know what you mean. You are the one with the eye problem." He thought about arresting her for being so alarmingly beautiful and intrusive. But instead he turned and began to walk off.
"Wait," the girl said softly, "can you help me, officer?"
Inspector Iris spun around on his heel and faced her, clicking his shoes together and tucking his night stick under his arm. "Why, of course. What seems to be the problem," he thought about adding, other than your unfortunately ugly eye blemish, but stopped himself.
"Well, I..." tears welled up and rather than clean her eye, it just seemed to get more red and irritated-looking, "...I’ve lost my Gabby," she began sobbing.
"You seem pretty talkative to me," said the Inspector, "and if I wasn’t feeling particularly, uh, sweet this morning I would have to fine you for your outburst. However, what is it you are looking for again?"
"Gabby! She’s my dog." The girl stood up straight and wiped her eyes, wincing a little at the pain in one of them. She continued, "my Gabby ran out of the house this morning and she doesn’t know her way around the Quarter yet because we just moved here yesterday. I wanted to call to her but my neighbor said I would get fined if I yelled before lunchtime. Now she’s probably trying to find her way back to our last home and that’s miles from here..." she dropped her face into her hands and sobbed quietly.
"Miss, I am pleased to hear that you’ve kept the Morning Quiet Law and so I will help you by making an exception," Inspector Iris glanced at his watch, "It’s nearly eleven now and if I am standing here with you no one will protest if you call for your dog."
She immediately cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "Gabby! Here girl! Yooohooooooo!" Then she stuck two fingers in her mouth and blew the loudest whistle Inspector Iris had ever heard. He found himself reaching for his handcuffs but remembered that he had permitted her to behave so violently.
As she made a circle around the center of the Quarter calling and whistling over and over, the Inspector tried not to stare or grit his teeth. He had been so utterly taken by the girl’s beauty that he felt foolish for allowing her to perform such a spectacle. He could feel the eyes of the townsfolk peering through closed curtains and he even heard a few planks tap against a few windowpanes curiously.
Finally a small beige creature came racing around the corner of a house right to where the girl was shouting. She squealed, "Good girl!" And swept the small, fluffy dog into her arms.
"Well, then," said Inspector Iris, "that’s what all the noise was for?" He walked slowly over to them and blinked at the dog. It whined and wriggled in the girl’s arms and something made the Inspector want to pet the silly thing. As he took one step closer the girl, not the dog, yelped.
"Ow! What was that for?" She was rubbing the back of her head.
"I’m sorry miss, I don’t know what you mean," he backed up and looked at her embarrassed and suddenly foul.
"I mean, you poked me in the head with that horrid beam you have in your eye!"
"That’s it!" Shouted Inspector Iris, "You asked for my help and I gave it to you. Now you are insulting my dignity with your ridiculous accusations." He grabbed her by the arm, no longer enchanted by her soft cheeks and said firmly, "You’re coming with me!"

A half an hour later the Inspector sat at his desk adding up the fines for that morning. The girl had been in the cell across the room from him begging him to let her out since he put her there. Now she sat fuming on the cot occasionally rubbing her eye.
"What’s your name," he finally asked.
"Cecilia Speckney," was her blunt retort.
"How much do you think I should fine you for your outburst, Miss Speckney?"
"Well, how much money do you think I have?"
"Now, now," said the Inspector and looked up at her, "I’m not going to fine you. I only wanted to bring you here as a warning."
She breathed out and smiled at him, "You mean I’m not going to be fined?" Then, to Inspector Iris’s surprise she walked up to the bars of the cell and gazed out at him almost lovingly. He could see the hideous black thing in her eye and pitied her.
"Miss," he stammered and rose from his seat, "do you mind if I try to remove it?"
"Remove what?" asked Cecilia, a little nervously.
"That painful-looking speck in your poor eye." He came closer to the cell and saw that Cecilia was backing up.
"Sir, I don’t think it’s a good idea." She was a few feet away from the bars now, looking unsure.
Inspector Iris was confused but growing more attracted to the girl by the second. He wanted desperately to help her. "Don’t you think I am capable of removing such a small nuisance? After all, I’ve removed nearly all the crime from this fine town."
"A fine town it is," she giggled and brought her delicate hand up to her mouth, "but have you ever removed a speck from anyone’s eye before?"
"Are you saying I can’t do it?" He stopped his approach.
"No! I’m just...uh, wondering how well you’d be able to see up close with that...uh...." she looked at her feet.
Inspector Iris grew hot with frustration. It appeared to him as though the girl wanted nothing to do with him now that she’d gotten her frumpy rag of a dog back. So he yanked his keys from his belt and unlocked the door.
"You may go," he said, coldly.
"Thank you, er, sorry...." she picked up Gabby and walked quickly out of the Police Station. Inspector Iris placed his eyeglass snugly on his good eye socket and walked slowly out into the afternoon sun. He scanned each and every person in the Quarter with a menacing growl. There were a lot of fines to be handed out.

That night, the Inspector had a horrible nightmare. He dreamed the whole town was on fire and the women and children were running this way and that. But for some reason he couldn’t move or do anything about it. Then he realized, in his dream, that it was only his head that was stuck while the rest of his body was able to move from nearby flames. He reached up his hands and felt into the smoke in front of him. The first thing he felt was a chain-link fence and as he moved his hands together he grasped something flat and splintery. Just then he felt his sock catch on fire. He screamed and threw his head back. Suddenly he could see everything much more clearly. As he was about to be relieved he looked at what was stuck between the chain links in front of him. It was a plank, dangling there with glistening tears on the end of it.

He jolted awake at the thought and found he was breathing rapidly. What a horrible dream, he thought, to think I would have a plank in my eye like some of the real fools in this town? He began to close his eyes with relief but there was a problem. He could only close one eye. The other eye wouldn’t close and that had never happened before, had it? The first thing he did was reach up to his face to inspect it.

Was he still dreaming? Or was there really that same splintery piece of wood sticking out of him like in his dream? It was too much to think about so, not knowing if he was asleep or awake he grasped it with both hands and began praying silently to God. An amazing strength came over him and he tugged as hard as he could. It was painful but it worked! Moments later he was lying there staring at the plank that had once been lodged in his eye. There on the end of it were the glistening tears.

After crying for a while and praising God in his heart, he saw the blue of morning through his window. It was a brighter blue than any he’d ever known. He leapt from his bed and reached for his robe and slippers. He had to go and see what the town looked like with both of his eyes. The dignity that he’d once had seemed so ridiculous so that he couldn’t think of anything but being free of it! So he flew out the front door in his night clothes and ran through the Quarter taking in everything his eyes possibly could.

When the sun had almost risen, he was sitting by the fountain where he’d found Cecilia the day before. She was just coming out of her house, yawning, with Gabby on a leash at her feet.
"Good morning," he said.
Cecilia gasped quietly, raising her eyes to his, "Shhh," she whispered, "The Inspector will hear you and fine you if you make noise before lunchtime." She started to walk toward the park when suddenly she stopped and turned back toward him. She rubbed her bad eye and took a few steps forward, squinting.
"Do I know you?" She said.
"Cecilia," he whispered, "it’s me."
"Inspector?" She walked toward him, close enough so she could really see him. He noticed her puffy eye was red and sore from the speck and he ached for her to be free of it. She looked confused, but delighted at the same time.

As the sunlight shot onto the quarter he stood up beaming with such a childlike smile that he felt like his teeth were made of candy. The girl that stood before him couldn’t have been more beautiful to his eyes. And, though he didn’t know it, he wasn’t too shabby-looking without a giant piece of wood shadowing half his face.

"Miss," he said, taking her hand in his, "I wanted to thank you for standing up to my stubbornness. If you hadn’t been so bold, and dare I say, beautiful I might never have realized." At that moment Inspector Woodrow Iris got down on one knee and gazed up at the girl named Cecilia Speckney...

She didn’t say yes at first to his proposal of marriage. It took several months of silly courting and too much time spent with Gabby before he finally got her to accept him. By the time of the wedding he was no longer Inspector Iris but Doctor Iris. After some schooling and lots of prayer to God he opened his own optometry clinic. Mrs. Cecilia Iris was his first patient.

Night Lights

2006-03-26T19:00:00.000-08:00

I find (define?) myself through movies, a lot. Some of the roles that Gwyneth has played have helped to show me what I am. If it hadn’t been for the movies I’ve seen, would I ever have found my monster? She is stark and beautiful with an insanity that is constantly being exposed as genius. But she is hopelessly mad. Since I could put sentences together, I have been writing what is in my soul. The words that are joined into ideas present themselves on a page or a screen and reflect back to me an affirmation. Yes, this is who you are. Tonight I heard the words, "How many days have you wasted?" It was a movie about crazy mathematicians who counted every thing and every pattern. I don’t count things but I know the patterns. They are not numeric patterns but patterns of story. My mind is not healthy enough to capture an equation, put the boundaries on it, and call it a "proof". The patterns shine in an instant and illuminate my heart and in another instant they are gone, leaving only their glowing echo.

I have memories of revelations, but they are like the image of the sun that leaves a white spot on the inside of my eyelid. Sometimes I will stare directly at a ceiling light in a room at night, drop my lids for two seconds, and then open my eyes to allow the light into another part of my eye. If you do that enough it leaves dozens of beautiful dots on your brain. The darkness is so much more enchanting with stars in it. My life has been full of the flashes of oncoming car headlights that leave me so disoriented in the dark that even the white line on the right side of the road can’t keep me on course. By grace, going off-road hasn’t been too difficult for my vehicle. I still drive, sometimes creeping through the black darkness waiting for some sign that I’m not headed for destruction. God provides.

Mathematicians call them equations, people like me call them metaphors. Gwyneth must call them good scripts because she takes the parts. Did those movies create those parts of my soul or just reflect to me what was already there? I wouldn’t give Hollywood’s writers too much credit but I may be inclined to give some credit to Charles Dickens, William Shakespeare, and Sylvia Plath. Truthfully, the credit goes to God. If I hadn’t been born in America to two people who refused cable television in exchange for renting movies every night I never would have gotten such an education. I’m thankful to God for the stories that have helped me to find myself. Because I believe He made me this way and provided the means by which I could discover myself. It’s harder to believe that He made me with a blank soul and allowed the influences in my life define me.

Maybe God created humans in the time-space continuum to add variety to Heaven. When you think about it, angels have had eternity as their time and influence, and God Himself. Seeing as how God created this universe and everything in it, I doubt He is lacking in variety. But He is not lacking in light and love. By allowing a creature to find the light in the darkness rather than just birthing them within the light, He makes a creature that can appreciate light infinitely more. I think it also allows all the creatures to know that light and love are good and worth choosing over something else. Paul says that we will judge angels and I’m assuming he means the fallen angels. He could also mean the unfallen angels who have never been corrupted by Lucifer but who have loved their King despite having never known any other ruling force but Him. I shouldn’t talk about things I know nothing about. But it’s so wonderful to talk about them! In this life I am free to wonder because after this life (if you can call this ‘life’ compared to the Eternal Life that’s to come) I will know as I am known. I believe in Heaven I will have all the answers to the questions that right now require me to have faith. Why did God create time? How did God create matter and space? When was Truth staring me in the face and I didn’t recognize it as Truth?

Lights. Truth. It passes me again and gives me hope that all is not darkness on this strange road. The last Light I see with these eyes will be Him. It won’t pass me on the left or leave me blinking and squinting again in black unknowing. It will be eternal and this whole existence will find it’s answer in Him.

Therese Martin

2006-03-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

The Catholics call her St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Therese of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, and St. Therese The Little Flower. Her patronage is here. There's just way too much info to paste in my post. :)

I just saw a movie called (you guessed it!) "Therese" about the life of this girl. Many things struck me about her story. I was able to ignore most of the Catholic ritual that I didn't understand and let the movie speak to me. Then I saw at the end of the movie that her writings were published! That's obviously where the movie came from. The other nuns found her writings and published them. It is called "The Story of a Soul" it is her posthumous autobiography. They published her writings a year after she died. Now she is a Saint! The seed fell into the ground and died...

I found some great quotes from her fansite.

"I wish to suffer for Love's sake and for Love's sake even to rejoice; thus shall I strew flowers. Not one shall I find without shedding its petals for Thee...and then I will sing, I will always sing, even if I must gather my roses in the very midst of thorns - and the longer and sharper the thorns the sweeter shall be my song. "

"I know of one means only by which to attain to perfection: LOVE. Let us love, since our heart is made for nothing else. Sometimes I seek another word to express Love, but in this land of exile the word which begins and ends is quite incapable of rendering the vibrations of the soul; we must then adhere to this simple and only word: TO LOVE.

But on whom shall our poor heart lavish its love? Who shall be found that is great enough to be the recipient of its treasures? Will a human being know how to comprehend them, and above all will he be able to repay? There exists but one Being capable of comprehending love; it is Jesus; He alone can give us back infinitely more than we shall ever give to him."

She rocks. If you rent the movie be ready for an innocent, clear, pure, and very Catholic experience. But it really set my heart in a gentle state when I just looked past the ritual (not that it's bad ritual, it's just beyond me) I was able to see through her eyes just a little. Her actual face has a LOT of depth. I can put that in my post. :)

What a life it must have been, or must be, as a nun! I've visited the Carmelite Church and one time I sat in front of this monastery in my car debating whether or not I should go and knock on the big iron door. I was having a crisis and I wanted to speak to someone holy. After going over many scenarios in my head and remembering that I didn't know ANYTHING about Catholicism, I drove off.

I still would love to meet a woman who has devoted their entire life to Jesus like Therese or Mother Theresa. Mama Heidi is like that, though she's not a nun. People like that just floor me. It really give me joy knowing that I'll get to meet them in Heaven. Maybe we'll cruise the Milky Way together...

p.s. don't miss the post below this one, I wrote them on the same day...for those of you wanting an update on things.

Faith and Eating Truth

2006-03-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I won't get the hang of faith, God shows His faithfulness and opens my eyes even more. In the past it has always been a case of "I know what I want to do, but I am powerless to do it." So I surmised that the only option was to give up, apologize for straying off the path, and change direction. I couldn't see how things could work out. I couldn't see the possibility. But I'm learning that God doesn't necessarily show His glory in possibility but in impossibility.

If I listed all the times I failed to have faith it would take me the rest of my life. It's not regret that I feel but a sense of awe and a new, infinite realm of possibility. "You mean, LORD, it's when I couldn't see around the corners that the most amazing things were sure to happen? When You had led me to that place where I couldn't see one foot in front of me, You had something from Your glory planned especially when I didn't have a clue?"

I marvel at where I might have been if I'd had faith instead of fleeing when the adventure seemed perilous. But, of course, the portion of faith I'd had never could have sustained me through those times. That's how God wanted it. It stings when I think of what I might have missed out on if I had been given more faith in those situations. I believe God kept a measure of faith from me so that my life would progress in His time. I know He has given me more faith now because I can see my faith in my actions...

I have been through some grating times lately. I called out Jesus' name and begged Him to help me. I was so tempted to just give up like I have before, admit defeat and crawl back into God's arms to mourn. But there was something so dark and terrible about the thought of giving up this time; it felt like death or sickness. It felt like leaving God's will. So I cried out and prayed right in the middle of an emotional stage-5 hurricane. Things didn't get better right away but I kept getting confirmations from the Holy Spirit that I was to be steadfast and trust in God no matter what my mind was telling me. I was psychologically spent and my only reaction was to have faith and say very few words. As time went on I saw the Lord at work. I held my tongue and clung to the Lord's promises no matter what my mind yelled at me. There were times when my wild imagination feared the worst, but I was quiet and trusted in God to protect me from the evil one. This amazed me. My blood pressure didn't even increase like it normally did when I imagine such things. Those irrational fears had once been an adrenalized IMAX movie in my head but now they were a scratchy silent horror flick with cheap special effects. As the Truth becomes more vivid to me and it leaves the lies looking as one-dimensional as they actually are. It's only in believing the Truth that we are given the Faith to persevere. And it's only in eating the Truth for every meal and every snack that we get a taste for believing it. This world has been feeding us lies since birth so that we all learn to enjoy them by sprinkling them with a little Truth. But we are what we eat and Truth as merely a seasoning won't do anything but help us swallow pounds of cooked Lies. Go on a spiritual fast from this world by diving into the Word instead of television, movies, news, the internet, or other forms of worldly influence. You'll see what I mean when suddenly the thought of eating the things you used to swallow whole makes you want to vomit.

God really does give us portions of faith according to His will. I may not have the faith to be physically healed from addiction, but I do have the faith that God is healing my heart from a past filled with sin. It's by His merciful attention that we are here today and it's only by Him that we live on. Hallelujah!

Romans Twelve 4-EVER!

2006-03-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy...
The more God shows Himself faithful to me, the more I put my faith in Him. He doesn't have to be so merciful! I don't deserve that kind of attention. Only by Jesus Christ am I able to recieve this mercy. So I can be overwhelmingly thankful.

...to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God...
Jesus Christ makes us holy and pleasing to God through His cleansing blood. In view of God's mercies in giving His only begotten Son AND showing Himself faithful to me by being Himself in my life, what else can I do but trust Him? The more we learn about God, the more we understand that He means what He says. As the world become more engulfed in deceit, true integrity becomes almost unbelievable. Only by His lovingkindness am I able to trust Him. So I give over my will for His will.

...this is your spiritual act of worship...
And all I can say is "thank You, Lord God Almighty," with my voice. My spiritual worship is to offer my self, my will, and my freedom to Him. It is good to sing to the Lord, it is better to live for Him. That's the way to say thanks.

...Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world...
Yes, I'm human but there is something different about me. I'm just visiting. I see that now, by God's grace. The pattern of this world is darkness, but I have become a child of Light. By Jesus Christ I am a light in the dark world. Lord, light up all the dark corners so that I may be completely Yours.

...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...
When the mind believes, the will follows. Fearing the Lord and humbling the self despite what the world may say about me, is the beginning of wisdom. The Holy Spirit puts this fear in me, holy fear that has me falling at the feet of my Master in total dependence. Then He either lifts me up or lets me lay there and cry to Him. I don't lift myself up and become haughty and arrogant in His presence. He has humbled me when I've done that. The more mercy He has toward me, the more He shows Himself to me. He opens my eyes through granting me the wisdom of knowing His character. He is love and this is believed by my mind. That's how love transforms.

...Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will...
"How do I know God's will for my life?" Only after we understand His mercy, offer ourselves completely and by this we stop conforming to the world. Then by offering ourselves we discover true worship, then our minds are renewed and we are transformed through the providing of His wisdom and truth for our minds. After all that we still must test and discern/approve what His will is by holding up to His everlasting Word, who is Jesus Christ and what He said. So when a human says, "I believe it's God's will," the human should study and pray to discern where in the Romans 12 scenerio he/she is. At least, that seems the wise thing to do given the Romans 12 passage.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

That sums it up, friends. We are part of one Body as members of the church. If ever I get prideful I can trust that God will humble me by giving me the tiniest glimpse of my place in His universe. Compared to Him, we are less than dust. It's only by His merciful favor in Christ Jesus that we have any significance. I pray that my measure of faith may grow into at least the one-hundredth part of a mustard seed. Until then, and even then, to God be the glory for today! He makes my day and your day and He knows how to do what's best with it. Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

"It's what I do."

2006-03-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw Kelly Joe Phelps in concert. Listening to him play, you can't tell where the music becomes music and the person becomes a person, the two are pretty much one thing. He's obviously been touring for years doing the independent music scene because I was given one of his cds over three years ago from a customer at a coffee shop.

He's comfortable like Dylan or a well-worn pair of boots, it's almost trancing to get absorbed into the song. Nobody moves except maybe to tap their foot along with his. We all lost ourselve in the blend of vocals, guitar, and lyrics.

After the last song we applauded him out for an encore. He said, "Thank you." Someone shouted out the reply, "No, thank you!" He simply said, "It's what I do," and launched into another song with pictures and soft exclamations.

It's what the man does. Some people would see him as a little more important just because he's a musician, poet, and guitar player. He doesn't appear to see himself that way. I believe I have been held back from music because I feel this huge sense of importance behind it. The calling of the Lord for me is music and what a calling! But really, it's like any other calling except in this day and age the world tempts musicians with idolship. I want to have the Kelly Joe Phelps attitude and say simply, "It's what I do." But I would add, "by and for the Lord."

But I can't say that unless I believe it. The Lord has taught me how to have priorities and depend on Him to provide the means by which to be good at what I do. He is faithful, I don't need to tell you that. He has provided the grace by which I can be confident. If I am faithful by trusting in Him and following His lead He may grant me more gifts to be faithful with and give me the Holy Spirit for my music. Perhaps if I ever go on tour and someone says, "Thank you!" I can say, "Thank God. It's what He does." He's in the business of healing broken people and placing His significance on them. I'm so glad He doesn't empower me to do anything with my music until He knows it's time. Until then I am faithful with what significance He has given me.

God's Names, God's Promises

2006-03-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

His names describe Him.

EL: God "mighty, strong, prominent" (Genesis 7:1; Isaiah 9:6)
ELOHIM: God “Creator, Mighty and Strong” (Genesis 17:7; Jeremiah 31:33)
EL SHADDAI: “God Almighty or” "God All Sufficient" (Genesis 49:24; Micah 2:1)
ADONAI: “Lord” (Genesis 15:2; Judges 6:15)
YHWH / YAHWEH / JEHOVAH: “LORD” (Deuteronomy 6:4; Daniel 9:14)
YAHWEH-YIREH: "The LORD will Provide" (Genesis 22:14)
YAHWEH-ROPHE: "The LORD Who Heals" (Isaiah 61:1)
YAHWEH-NISSI: "The LORD Our Banner" (Exodus 17:15)
YAHWEH-M'KADDESH: "The LORD Who Sanctifies" (Leviticus 20:8)
YAHWEH-SHALOM: "The LORD Our Peace" (Judges 6:24)
YAHWEH-ELOHIM: "LORD God" (Genesis 2:4; Psalms 59:5)
YAHWEH-TSIDKENU: "The LORD Our Righteousness” (Jeremiah 33:16)
YAHWEH-ROHI: "The LORD Our Shepherd" (Psalms 23:1)
YAHWEH-SHAMMAH: "The LORD is There” (Ezekiel 48:35)
YAHWEH-SABAOTH: "The LORD of Hosts" (Isaiah 1:24; Psalms 46:7)
EL ELYON: “Most High" (Deuteronomy 26:19)
EL ROI: "God of Seeing" (Genesis 16:13)
EL-OLAM: "Everlasting God" (Psalms 90:1-3)
EL-GIBHOR: “Mighty God” (Isaiah 9:6)

I have been wondering what the bible means when it says, "the name of the LORD." It says that people called on His name, did things in His name, made oaths by His name, etc. I'm like, what IS God's name? Apparently He transcends name and we are only given descriptives.

His name is probably only able to be spoken by Heavenly beings, but the Jews were given the name: I AM or GOD IS which is meant by the Tetragrammaton: YHWH

Because of the Holiness of His name, we cannot speak it. I'm glad for that. I even feel like I am being irreverent posting YHWH here. But I know He sees how I am searching for Him in all this.

I intend to study this website too:
Click here for the 100 names of Jesus

Partial Birth Abortion

2006-02-26T06:21:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am vehemently Pro-life. I've just recently decided to get more involved in justice for the oppressed and killed fetal population. I don't intend to destroy clinics or even get in peoples' faces, but I do intend to be a voter and have a voice. Even if democracy is an illusion, I was still given a voice and I intend to use it more.

Anyone who wants to get involved in a simple way, please sign this petition. I'm not a Pat Robertson fan at all (he's too starched and angry for me) but I've heard the ACLJ on the radio and they do a lot for Christians.
https://www.aclj.org/Petition/Default.aspx?SC=3140&AC=1

Any of my friends that are pro-choice, I don't want to know who you are. But if you are pro-life please give me a shout out and visit some of these other sites for more info on how to get involved.
http://www.all.org/
http://www.unitedforlife.org/
http://www.nrlc.org/
http://www.pldaily.com/

Abortion is the equivalent of people sacrificing their infants to gods of wood and stone. Only the god modern people sacrifice to is the god of the self. Being that this is a democracy, it is our job as the people to have a voice and use it. If we've done all we can to love our neighbor and defend the oppressed, then our consciences are clear.

If the mother's life is at risk from the fetus in her womb and the only way she will survive is to abort the child, that is a choice she will have to make. I can tell you with full truthfulness: if I am EVER faced with that choice, I would die rather than save myself at the expense of my child. If both of us die, then at least I didn't murder my own child to save myself.

Greater love has no woman than this, that she would lay down her life for her child's.

3 Stooges of Sin

2006-02-24T05:59:00.000-08:00

The World, The Flesh, & The Devil

Jesus was tempted by the three of Satan's stooges. "You hungry. Make stones to bread," said the Flesh, Jesus had the Flesh pretty much under His control after not eating for forty days and nights. Then the World stepped in and said, "You want? I give you. Have all kingdoms and bow to Devil." Jesus, being the Son of God wasn't about to sin against His own Father by bowing to someone else. Besides, He will reign soon anyways. Then the Devil played his cunning trick on Him by breaking out the scripture. The Flesh and the World may not know scripture, but the Devil does. He says, "You can fly! Throw you off this topmost place and Psalm 91 angels will catch you. Promise." Jesus knows better than to play miraculous bungee jumping by the Devil's prompting. "Do not tempt the Lord thy God," He says and stays put. Then the Psalm 91 angels do come down and comfort Him and nourish Him, but He didn't have to play birdie to get them to show up.

Where do the 3 stooges show up in my life? For me, the World is particularly damaging in the area of becoming a rockstar. It shows me admired musicians and tells me I could be all that and my life on Earth would be tolerable. But while it holds Chris Cornell's picture up in front of me I am not seeing the starving, dying children all over this planet who need me. Fame and worldly success robs those children of the help that they need, except when you are Bono or Angelina Jolie.

The Flesh is my biggest and burliest foe, at least right now. It's like the cave troll in Lord of the Rings swinging it's club and connecting with my head every time I try to deny it. Wham! I get hit with some major arrows through the Flesh as soon as I try to quit smoking, get off the couch on certain days, or play guitar for more than an hour. The Flesh says, "You so tired and you need food and cigarette. Nothing more important than you having nap, lunch, and smoke. Good human. pat pat." So I put everything off until I can satisfy my body unless something or someone happens to want my attention. Then I get mad at them for keeping me away from my duties to the Flesh. OH WRETCHED ME!!! What a mess...

The Devil just sucks. His little greasy minions are always lying to me and egging on my self-ambitious fantasies. I see how they use the World and the Flesh to gang up on me and hold my head under the tar pit until God's angels fly over and pull me out, set me back on the path. God is merciful and gracious to me. I could do nothing but thank and praise Him the rest of my life and it wouldn't be a wasted life. Hallalujah! I remember the victory I have in Jesus Christ, the Son. He took The 3 Stooges of Sin down into the grave with Him and they are finished! When I believe and stop wallowing in the mire of that dead old way, I remember that none of the darkness is real for me. I am encircled in light and protected on all sides. The more I kneel at the throne every moment and serve as Jesus served, the brighter the light becomes. Then I am convinced than neither death nor life nor angels nor the world, flesh, nor the devil could ever be able to separate me from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Those stooges can keep up their games and I will continue to be strengthened and protected by the portion of faith I am given in God's salvation. Always in prayer and always in the Word. Then I am convinced...

The Importance of Perseverance

2006-02-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

Aim at Heaven and you will get Earth thrown it. Aim at Earth and you will get neither. -C.S. Lewis

God is teaching me perseverance. Well, He's teaching me the importance of perseverance. The actual work has to be my own choice. I never really saw the importance of persevering if we are just 'waiting' to go to Heaven. I think of the beauty of being in God's presence without this body to hinder me and it's all I want! But God, the Son says,

"If you love me, keep my commands."

I want to keep His commands and His Holy Spirit strengthens me and encourages me with comforting reminders of His love.

One thing I learned last night is this helpful saying: If I have Heaven to look forward to, I can put up with a little discomfort now.

I think it may just work! The whole nature of faith is looking forward to God's provisions. So we bet it all on God and He is faithful to provide! There's hardly any suspense to it, because He's told us time and again to trust Him. So when we truly trust Him, there is no anxiety. We aren't waiting by the t.v. screen with our lottery numbers after spending our savings buying tickets, sweating profusely. We are resting in the promise of His provision. Not after worshipping the lottery god, of course, but after offering our life as a living sacrifice. I am sure there is some suspense when we are unsure of His guidance, but He isn't cruel. He's not going to let us take the side road that leads to a cliff if our eyes are glued to Him; our heads turned so we can't even see where we are headed. He would say, "Don't go that way, little one." And we would comply because we know He wouldn't lie to us and our curiosity won't keep us walking toward the cliff's edge anymore. My curiosity has gotten me into trouble before. I would think, "It can't be all that bad." Over the side I went, knocking my head on a few outcroppings until I was nice and bruised. God's great hand swoops down to save me from shattering death on the ground below, places me atop again, and patches up my cuts and lets me heal. But no one likes to be disciplined, so my curiosity is dulled. When He says, "Not that way, Diana." I remember the horrible falls I've taken and say, "Whatever You say, Lord." And I don't second guess it...for my own good.

So, what's a little discomfort in a spiritually dried up land when I have baths of living water to look forward to? In the meantime I have access to the Spring to drink whenever I am thirsty! I have felt sorry for myself with thoughts like, "This isn't my home and I am miserable here. Why can't I just go home and live happily ever after, already? It's almost punishment staying here." Punishment? Now I see that I am full of it. How can it be punishment to shine bright in the darkness? It's an honor and privelage and a lot of young people would have loved to stay as long as I have, but they were called home younger than me. How dare I want to waste this time here when so many others don't even get 20 years let alone 27!

Forgive me, Father. I have been selfish and self-pitying but I have called it "enlightened". I have been so foolish. Please don't let me forget that my life and time are not my own, but Yours. Please help me to let go of this sinful desire to control my life and time here. I don't know what You have in store for me in the future, but I ask that You would give me another chance to truly LIVE for You HERE. I've been sitting in the dust on the road You set me upon, just waiting to die and go home. I've been like a stubborn donkey and a spoiled child. Forgive me and help me not to give in to that sickness again. How many years are gone because of it?? I don't even want to know what I missed. Thank You Father for showing me how I have been behaving. Your compassion and mercy is overwhelming. It's my honor to serve You and I am going to do the best I know how by the strength of Your Spirit and the armor You provide. In Jesus Holy name, AMEN.

Gardening

2006-02-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

Gardening: I wouldn't know the first thing about it. Sophia was trying to uproot a small tree last week and I just noticed it yesterday. I looked at the label that the previous owners kindly left and it said, "Mexican Orange Tree". That's special, we have Mexican oranges growing in our backyard. I also uprooted some rotting onions and tomatoes when we first got here. I want to start fresh and really learn how to plant stuff. Some of the things I want to grow are lettuce, tomatoes, green onions, peppers, herbs, carrots, potatoes, and whatever else would grow good in limited areas of the backyard. But I shouldn't get in over my head. Even though it rains a lot and gets an average amount of sunshine here, there are still bugs and birds and rodents...and dog. If I can keep them off (must buy bribing treats for Sophia by the crateful), then maybe I can think more about dirt and elements. There's a lot of details to gardening, it's an art.

I'm gonna get a book about it today. The library should have some great ones.

The Bread of Idleness

2006-02-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 31:27 (speaking of the woman of noble character) She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

It appears as though I have a craving for this diseased bread of idleness. It fills me up and throws me onto the soft couch where I take my unearned rest. All day long I sit. Sitting on the office chair, the dining chair, the driver's seat, the park bench, the carpet in front of the fireplace and the infamous leather couch. Everytime I sit, a loaf of stale bread is set before me and I begin picking at it, eating pinch after pinch like my hand is some mechanical bird. Even my dog begins to lick it and make her own soggy corner. She doesn't have a taste for it, but she licks it because she thinks that what we do in this pack. She truly just wants to please me. But I ignore her and become obsessed with the tiny crumbs on my fingers. When she sees that I'm not interested in her, she tries to bat away the loaf and wiggle her way into my face. Sometimes I am wrenched awake because of her persistance and I say, "You're right Sophia, this is boring." I take her to the dog park to distract and tire her while I pick at the bread in my pocket when she's not looking.

The bread is dry and tasteless but it really becomes addicting after a while. And it never seems to run out. Some evil source is always baking it in my subconscious and singing with delight in hell's kitchen. This demonic cook dances and spins as it kneads and pounds the bread, never giving me a moment to think about anything else. I couldn't hear the subliminal message it sang until this morning. I only hummed the tune to myself when my stomach growled for the bread again. But, over the days I have had time to concentrate on understanding the words. So I perked up my ears and prayed to hear the truth about the song, "Wonderful bread, wonderful bread," sang the deceptively pretty voice, "you make these humans so wonderfully dead. They cannot know that what's filling their heads is my wonderful, wonderful BREAD!" I gasped at the thought. My brain was being replaced with the doughy bread of idleness?! No wonder I felt so lethargic and gray. I could almost feel the yeast expanding and the pressure behind my eyes. This bread didn't fill my stomach, but it has been filling my head and working it's way into my heart, numbing and deadening as it spreads! The more I eat, the more my MIND is heavy with bloating! How long before it would have wormed into my soul?

After realizing this, I had to write it down. Now the evil baker has stopped singing, but the kitchen stinks with the aroma of idleness. My house is covered with the evidence: dirty counters and dog-toy litter. How clever this evil is! Coming disguised as 'ownership of time'. Reading "The Screwtape Letters" clued me in. I have often listened to the thoughts that say, "My time is MINE!" With every moment I gripped for my own, I've been deceived. It is ridiculous to think that we can own our time here, or even our bodies! But, as Screwtape said, "Humans are obsessed with the illusion of ownership." We are like those seagulls in 'Finding Nemo', you know the ones: "Mine?! Mine?!" The truth is: we are, at best, stewards of what we have been given. I have been using the things I was given to sit on and enjoy while I stuff myself with handfuls of the bread of idleness. What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from the body of this death?

Heavenly Father, I'm sorry for this gluttony. Thank You for Your unending love and forgiveness. Thank You for showing me what spell I'd put myself under the influence of. Please equipt me to reverse the wrong I've done and teach me Your wisdom so I may not fall into that doughy, lazy trap again. My time is not my own, I work for You. You are the most gracious Employer and Father in the universe and I have been falling down on the job. The Family Business will be my focus and, though I'm not sure what my duties are, I will do my best to find out. I will go to the employee meetings (church), study the worker's manual daily, and wait until You think I am ready to be promoted. Thank You for giving me more chances than I can count. I pray to You in Your Son's holy name, without whom I could not have been hired to begin with. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Poor In Spirit

2006-02-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

"He that is poor in spirit is lowly in heart. Rich men are commonly proud and scornful, but the poor are submissive. The poor in spirit roll themselves in the dust in the sense of their unworthiness. 'I abhor myself in dust' (Job 42:6). He that is poor in spirit looks at another's excellencies and his own infirmities. He denies not only his sins but his duties. The more grace he has, the more humble he is, because he now sees himself a greater debtor to God. If he can do any duty, he acknowledges it is Christ's strength more than his own. As the ship gets to the haven more by the benefit of the wind than the sail, so when a Christian makes swift progress, it is more by wind of God's Spirit than the sail of his own endeavour. The poor in spirit, when he acts most like a saint, confesses himself to be 'the chief of sinners'. He blushes more at the defect of his graces than others do at the excess of their sins. He dares not say he has prayed or wept. He lives, yet not he, but Christ lives in him. He labours, yet not he, but the grace of God." -Thomas Watson

"Not only a sense of this dependence upon Christ, and helplessness out of him is implied, but a willingness to have it so--a willingness to cleave to Christ in all his offices and relations, a setting aside self, a self-loathing, a self renunciation in all respects, a casting away all hope in ourselves, all dependence upon ourselves, all trust in our own wisdom or righteousness, or our efforts at sanctification, and every thing else which is our own. These things are implied in poverty of spirit in the text. In short it is a correct view of our utterly helpless state, a realizing sense of that fact, and a disposition of soul corresponding to such views." -Charles Finney

"All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is specially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, 'By jove! I’m being humble', and almost immediately pride—pride at his own humility—will appear.” -Screwtape, the demon

-------------------------------------------------------------

I have never had too high of self-worth. I think I liked to use that for selfish purposes when I was younger. Not at the expense of others, usually. But I would provide what I could of myself until the half-ounce of survival instinct helped me crawl out of danger. If I didn't have such an active imagination and an appetite for terror (thanks to Stephen King helping to raise me as a teenager) I might have died ten years ago. The main thing that kept me alive was imagining my family identifying the body. One of my other strange needs has been to protect the hearts of others. Strangely, that made for short relationships with boys. Some would have called me a heartbreaker! But I believed I was saving them from an even greater destruction if they had gotten more attached. As it was, they were able to look back in bittersweet recollection; heart intact with only slight bruising.

Now I have a lot more to live for, I mean a lot more people to keep from mourning. But after Jesus said, "blessed are the poor in spirit" He said, "blessed are those who mourn". So maybe I am staying alive for the wrong reasons.

3 ways to overcome the devil: 1. The blood of the Lamb; 2. The word of the testimony; 3. They loved not their lives so as to shrink away from death. Rev 12:11

Maybe what some psychologists would see as suicidal tendencies is actually a good thing for a Christian. I won't take my own life because I wouldn't be loving (see: obeying) God nor would I be loving others. I remain vigilant and as mindful as can be when I'm in dangerous situations because "Thou shall not tempt the Lord thy God." and thinking, "Oh, His angel's will catch me, " is what the enemy wants me to think. My will to live is only in accordance with His will for me to live. He grants me every breath even when I ask Him not to. I don't know if that is so much 'poor in spirit', but He's got His eyes on me every millisecond. I just trust Him to guide me out of the dark.

Just as I am now

2006-02-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

God loves me now.
Smoking with bowels full of chili and stomach full of wine and chocolate.
Sitting with neck pushed forward against the back of the couch watching other people's lives and the parade of egos and dreams marching to the beat of fiction.
Crying in self defeat and begging for another change.
Raising my elbows up with fishing line, trying to hand Him the puppet strings.
With a pillow over my face, threatening to suffocate myself.
Wrestling with thoughts that project themselves onto my guitar neck and crawl up and down it like demonic spiders, distracting me from true melody.
Speaking frustrated words to my once neglected shelter dog, then giving in to her own frustrated sighs and heart-melting eyes.
God loves me now.

His ways are truly not my ways. I would have left me for dead a long time ago, "Abandon her to her ways! Leave her to disintegrate in a heap of neurosis and let the demons pounce on her to finish her off!"
His ways are truly not my ways.

He loves me just as I am now.
Maybe this cage is self-built and perhaps He handed me my own key to open it. Maybe He gave it to me a long time ago and I still sit, crooked and paralyzed as gravity pulls my spine over into an arch. Am I the fig tree that remains barren year after year? Or am I still a sapling slowly inching toward the sky? Fruit on me would be too small and sour to eat now. But a tree doesn't have self-awareness, it only knows how to suck in light and water. It doesn't know when it's old enough to bear fruit while its roots are worming deeper into the earth and its branches are recieving more light and requiring more water. One day fruit just appears. A tree doesn't sweat or labor. What makes fruit is the soil, the sun, the water, and the Gardener's attention. Am I a difficult adult tree or still a sapling? I pray that I'm just a kid, in spirit. Though I am 27, married, with dog. I am told to love God. That's how fruit is produced. Abide in the vine and remain in the soil under the care of the Gardener.
He loves me just as I am now.

Lovin' Dog, Livin' Life

2006-02-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

I am falling madly in love with my dog. I know this is normal but it's so great that I wanted to write about it. We cuddle and play all the time. She is starting to listen and she is willing to be taught. I taught her to lay down instead of jumping up. It will take time to teach her to listen to me when there are distractions around, but Monday we should get some sun and I'll take her to the dog park. She needs some serious "socializing". She was a maniac at the vet and almost tore off her leash when she saw a HUGE great dane. I was like, "You don't want a piece of that dog, Sophia." She was like, "Aaaah!!! I just wanna say HI!!!" She is very friendly and loves to jump on old, frail people. She needs a little work, but I have time right now. Thank the LORD!

Wouldn't it be great for me to start writing music again? Oh yeah, it would be. I have this little office space now and all I would need is a little sound-proofing, recording software, a couple good mics and blank cds to burn Of course, there is always the option of paying a professional to record and I can make the time in-studio go faster by practicing.

It is a big venture, but it's the adventure of my life. I will do it my own way and the Lord will strengthen me for it. The demon voices will fall on me like Oregon rain and try to wash away my hope. But I rest in the shelter of the Almighty and He covers me with His wings. I have been like a cowering pup quaking with my tail tucked. The Lord has been coaxing me out and showing me that I am safe. But just like Sophia was safe in the bathtub yesterday but could have sworn I meant to drown her, I am also going to take some convincing and comforting. Ultimately, it's her instinct that makes her trust me. It will be my love for God that will bring me into trusting Him more. Only by His strength will I do anything.

A Stress Funk

2006-01-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

I got myself all stressed out yesterday. I started thinking about the cost of all the doggy sundries I would have to buy.

I was thinking about things that haven't happened yet. I was setting up worlds and events in my imagination and forseeing the finances being eaten up by poor Sophia. "What if she needs more training than I can give her and she gets rebellious and tears things up? What if I can't afford to keep her? What if she needs so much attention that I never have any privacy ever again?!? This dog could ruin my LIFE!!"

Needless to say, worrying about the future is quite an exercise for the imagination. I do this exercise so often that I can bench press up to 20 years from now. It's not always doom that I fantasize about, but doom is the hardest to prepare for. Somehow, if I can't prepare for something efficiently then I opt not to do it. It's easier for me to just give up on something. Better to have thought it through, chosen sure success in smaller things, and reasoned myself out of any possible failure. Obviously I have a paralyzing fear of failure. It actually makes sense when the truth is this: I can do nothing apart from Jesus Christ. So where does my problem really lie? My trust in Jesus.

There is a time when you have to go with your heart and trust God to take care of your needs. My mind is saying, "You should save that money. What if you have an emergency?" My heart is saying, "Care for this dog as one of the family and she will teach you many things. God isn't going to punish you for wanting to learn more about love. Jesus said not to worry about means of living." I still want to be a responsible adult, but that means listening to my heart and the words of Jesus over my own reasoning. Yeah, I may pay for Sophia's company. But can you put a price on Wisdom?

I have lots of business to take care of today since I will be picking up the little girl pup tomorrow at 11am. There are preparations to be done! It is a joyful and merry day that the Lord has made! He blesses us with all the blessings of His love. Hallelujah and amen.

To Bring Wisdom Home

2006-01-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

Maybe it was a mistake to go to the shelter yesterday. I thought I'd just go and see if there were any exceptional dogs there that I might want to adopt. Why not take a gander?

Travelling down the highway I was an excited little girl going on a field trip. My mission: to explore God's mysterious domestic animal. When I opened the door to the kennel and the warm stink of dog rushed over me, I realized I was actually in a bit of danger. If you walk down that hall and look into those cages, I thought to myself, you may not leave with your heart intact. But curiosity and childlike giddiness pushed me forward into a sharp spray of barks that ricocheted off brick walls.

There is nothing as heart-breaking as the eyes of a shelter dog. Dozens of eyes pleaded with me, all belonging to pups that were desperate for attention. I reached the end of the kennels and I saw a black and tan face peering attentively up from a doggy bed. She stared at me to see if I was interested in meeting before she decided to get up. When I took a step toward her she immediately walked up and put her nose through the chain link. I thought at first she was a puppy since she seemed small for her breed. But her intelligent movements told me she wasn't a baby, maybe an adolescent. I looked at her information sheet and the first thing that popped out at me was "Sophia". Right away I remembered that Sophia means Wisdom. My heart softened just at the coincidence. How many times in the past two weeks have I asked for wisdom? Sophia put a paw up and flicked her tongue at me through the diamond fence wires. The info sheet said "2 year-old German Shepherd mix". I didn't see the German Shepherd at all. She was more like the size and shape of a small Border Collie with the coat and markings of a Rottweiler. She is the perfect size to fit through the doggy doors at the house, I thought, and she's so pretty. I was charmed.

"Oh! Look at you!" sang a woman in a nurses scrub standing next to me. She poked her fingers through the fence as I had done, "Hi baby! Your name is Sophia? Hi Sophia..."
"Her name means 'Wisdom'." I said, sounding as if she was mine. Truly, I sort of had dibs on her. I mean, I was there first.
"Wisdom," she said, "It's so true. We can learn so much from dogs. They all have such old souls." Uh huh, I thought, okee-dokey lady.
She continued,"I wish I could take them all home, but I work here too much."
I nodded courteously, relieved she wasn't shopping for pooches herself, and turned back to Sophia. "She's the perfect size." I said, "She'd fit right through the doggy door but she's not too small."
"Let's take her out for a walk!"

Sophia made lighting fast laps around the dog yard. It's like she knew her time to play was short and she had so much energy to expend. Once, she ran into my leg and didn't even flinch. Her eyes were so full of expression; there was no doubt of her joy. I just stared in amazement wondering how in the world one would train a dog like that. But her enthusiasm was contageous so I decided to spend more time with her.

I put her on hold until Friday at 5pm to have time make a decision on adopting her. I've started compiling articles to put in my own little doggy manual. The more I read, the more it sounds like practice for disciplining self and eventually children. Why else would God grant us lordship over such intelligent, loving creatures? I am still in prayer about the decision and I have until Friday to truly decide. I see the rewards and the drawbacks already, but it is nothing compared to what a baby would be. She is already full grown, house-trained, and reportedly great with small children. I would have to get outside my own head and care for the needs of another being. I will have to compile a gruelling list of pros and cons for myself. Oh, the handicap of being intellectual! So much deliberation!!

God Humbles His Bullies

2006-01-03T06:48:00.000-08:00

I got into a religious email debate with a non-believing friend and I didn't hold back. I showed her what I knew and showed myself that I could argue anyone down. She said I was being disrespectful and I said she was too sensitive. Then at the end she said, "I can take it, can you?" and somehow that gave me permission to throw any restraint to the wind. I told her what I thought of her mind games and her flair for guilt trips. And I refused to feel bad for doing "nothing wrong". I said my goodbyes and felt like the high and mighty intellect that I was.

What happened was remarkably similar to an experience I had as a little girl. I was friends with a neighbor who was bigger than me but a lot more fearful. She basically hung out with me because I was so strong-willed. One day it occured to me that I was stronger than she was. I placed demands on her until finally she refused to obey me. So I slapped her across the face as hard as I could. She burst into tears and told her mommy who in turn told my daddy. He met me on the sidewalk and knelt down to talk to me. He wasn't very mad but he took his big hand and covered the side of my face, pushing it almost in slow motion. It didn't hurt at all, it was more of a warm push than anything. But it scared me because I thought he hated me and that he didn't want to be my daddy anymore. I screamed into tears. He grabbed me quickly and held me against his chest and pet my head, "I love you, Diana. I just wanted you to see what it felt like to get slapped. It's not nice is it?" I sobbed, "Nooo..." And that's how my daddy taught me not to hit others.

This is how God has taught me not to hit people with my words. I am now nine years old in the faith and as much of a brat as I was in my earthly youth. My "lost" friend, who had looked to me for comfort and encouragement was suddenly confronted with my childish realization of power. I had the truth and she did not. So I felt I should bestow the truth upon her and she must accept it. Well, she refused and there was a struggle. Though she is taller than me, I am stronger-willed than she is and I slapped her as hard as I could. The slap came in the form of taking the insights I had once used to give her loving reflection and use them instead as shards of a mirror to stab her with. No one had to tattle on me this time. My Father saw everything. When I was at the height of pride in believing I had done no wrong; thinking in fact that my Father would reward me for my fierce intellectual 'zeal', He knelt down and slapped me softly across the face. The big, warm hand almost caressing my cheek as He pushed it. He wasn't mad and He didn't intend to harm me. But the illustration was clear and I realized what I had done. His grace and kindness enveloped me and broke me down. God whispered to me why I shouldn't hit others, "It's not nice, is it?" My pride melted away from me in salty tears...

The moral of this story is: I have had knowledge without wisdom and truth without love.

I have been an arrogant speaker of words, changing comfort into criticism.

I have been a revelator without thought of others, other than putting vaulted expectations on them.

I have been a seeker with a finders keepers attitude, gloating over my treasures without realizing that they aren't mine to gloat over.

I have tasted the pride of the Pharisee and the rank words of the Quarrelsome Wife of Proverbs.

I did the foolish thing of making the Bible say what I wanted it to say to excuse my actions. I didn't go to the Bible with a desire to see my wretchedness, I went to it only to see where I was holy.

I lifted myself up and God, in His mercy showed me my sin.

Sin's not nice, now is it?

Thank You, Lord for taking me into Your arms and reminding me that You are my Father. I am Your child and it hurts me to see my sin. Against You and You only have I sinned. You forgive me and hold me in Your arms until my feelings of guilt subside. Please don't let me forget this precious lesson, Lord. AMEN.

No Fear

2006-01-02T06:15:00.000-08:00

I am determined to enjoy my life. No more waiting for that devastation that seems to be lurking around every corner. Time and again I skulk around it and (NEWS FLASH!) there's nothing there. Does that mean I walk in blissful oblivion? Not even. But unless I stop thinking about the horrors that could be (e.g. gunshot wounds, deadly cancer, nobody loves me, car crashes, boat accidents, the list is infinite and consuming) I will never actually get to experience reality. And what a beautiful reality this is! I have been blessed so much and instead of being scared God will take it away from me, I am going to say, "Thanks Father. I will enjoy this gift and learn what you want me to know. Whatever you give to me, whatever you take away, it's all good because I trust in You."

I have been such a paranoid freak! Expecting God to bring me pain and devastation so much that I almost want it because I've thought about it so much. Yeesh! Now I am determined to remind my sick head that the reality is: God is in control. He gives and takes away. And I can be sure that whatever happens to me that is beyond my control is still within His control. He will never leave me to deal with anything alone. I can rest assured again.

Matrix Liaisons

2005-12-19T09:47:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book titled "A Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel. The most recent chapter has to do with the arguments against the morality of hell. Can God be moral and still send some of His beloved creation to hell? If you want some thought-provoking insights from Strobel’s interviews, pick up that book. It provoked some unexpected thoughts in me.

One of the provoked thoughts that is nagging at my fingertips to type faster is the memory of the Matrix movies. I stop for a moment and reflect on the fact that I get most of my symbolism and relation to things unseen from movies. In any case, two movies come to mind. After I first saw "The Matrix: Revolutions" I went on an internet hunt for the part in the script where Neo is facing Agent Smith drenched in torrents of rain and says simply, "Because I choose to." It was his reply to Smith’s lengthy speech of questions about Neo’s insistence on survival.

I was sitting out back this morning smoking a nasty cigarette and contemplating choice. The cigarette mocked me with every drag. It seemed to look up at my mouth with its butt and say, "How clever that you should contemplate freedom of choice when you seem to have a chain that binds your fingers and lips to me." That’s when a quote from another movie came to mind. A movie starring Michelle Pfeiffer and John Malkovich called "Dangerous Liaisons". (possible spoiler ahead, please rent video before reading the following) During a pivotal scene Malkovich’s character repeats something over and over to Pfeiffer’s character. As her heart cracks and splits in front of him he says simply, "It is beyond my control." He’s speaking of his choice to reject her after spending the whole movie wooing her. Cold and distant, he eventually believes those words even when he sees the only thing he ever loved being destroyed in front of him by his own hand. Anyone who saw the movie knows what ultimately becomes of all parties involved.

In one movie, free will triumphs over bondage. In the other, bondage triumphs over free will. The truth of it all is, it wasn’t beyond his control but he chose to be slave to another powerful force in his life. Just as I choose to wear the chains around my lungs that drag heavy sticks of tar and death behind me. Those chains keep me from running too far without collapsing, enjoying a meal (I almost eat sometimes just to smoke afterwards), and using my time in more productive ways. I resent my choice to hold these chains, yet I rebel against that resentment by defining my free will with my choice to smoke. It’s almost as if having given myself over to God, I want to make sure I can still choose evil if I want to. It happens when impure thoughts arise in my mind, too. They bubble up slowly like a fart in a tub of honey. Instead of holding my breath or swimming towards sweetness I breathe deeply and ruin my experience, just to make sure I still have the choice.

People know choosing good is healthy for survival; that is evident in law and order. However, I know that we, the people, secretly love darkness more than light. That is evident in violent entertainment and our obsession with self. So my chains are a way of belonging to this world; of doing as the world does. Never mind what Paul wrote to the Romans when he said, "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world..." I would much rather hear him out of context saying, "When I am with them I make myself like them so that I may win their trust..." In other words I drag on my smoke in the midst of other selfish polluters and mutter, "When in Rome..."

But what if the hero of the Matrix had said that? What if he had found the truth, taken the pill, and hid away in some cave in Zion praising God for saving his skin!? I know exactly what would have happened. Those squid monster machines would have finished off the human race. As it turned out, Neo was enlightened to his destiny and he gave himself up for the surviving humans. It was hard for him but he chose it.

*Side note: Some compare Neo to Jesus but there are a lot of inconsistencies in that analogy. Briefly: 1.He was just a man and not God-as-man. 2. God is not some emotionless white-bearded machine-god with demonic minions out to destroy humanity for the sake of his own survival. 3. Even to insist that the Matrix was run by Satan and that Neo satisfied and conquered Death wouldn’t be comparable to the truth about Jesus. Neo was still just some strong-willed guy who was submitted to no one but himself.*

I think the real parallels from the two movies apply to mankind’s free will. God gives us free will because He loves us. I can go to the store and buy my smokes and puff away in denial until I die of cancer. He isn’t going to interfere with my choice to do that. But just as a Father, He may show me mercy and guide me toward greater wisdom. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of that wisdom.

So that is the key: revering and highly respecting God, loving God, obeying God. Then begins wisdom.

Seek wisdom, find wisdom. I heard on the radio the other day: "Lies travel halfway around the world in the time it takes Truth to lace up her bootstraps." Truth must be sought whereas Lies seek us. Lies are all over the world while Truth is found in One Person. So the answer to choice is wisdom and the answer to wisdom is to seek it. And of course to seek something you must want it. You must choose it.

Remember when Indiana Jones and the others were in the place where they would find the holy grail? The Nazi guy said, "This is the cup of the King of kings." Dazzled by the gold cup he drank from it and...

"He chose...poorly."

Indy looked around and saw the most humble clay cup in the place and said, "That’s the cup of a carpenter." and...

"You chose...wisely." Cue music.

The only difference between Indy and the Nazi guy (who disintegrated) was wisdom. Of course, Nazi guy wasn’t seeking Truth, he was seeking Lies, specifically the lie that states power satisfies the self. What a crock! Indiana was seeking Truth and had spent his life adventuring into tombs and temples to find it. He remembered that Jesus was a carpenter and if there was a holy grail it would have been humble as God humbled Himself and came down as a man. So there. Choices hinge on wisdom and wisdom hinges on love for and a seeking after Truth, that is: Jesus.

Now that I’ve spent a couple of hours on this essay I think I have enough material to write through the entire year of 2006. I should have known I was juggling cans of worms even bringing up the subject of choice. Alas, I have dropped one and it has opened.

For the lovely people in my life that make it through my writings and fuel my fire to write more...it’s all your fault. Now I MUST write. :) Thank you for your love and encouragement. I am so blessed. Praise God!!

Healing Testimony

2005-12-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

Mark 5:34
Luke 18:38
Acts 14:8

In all these instances, the faith of the broken person healed them. Their belief in Jesus was so strong that they sought Him, shrieked for Him, and looked expectantly to Him to heal their bodies.

I have called out to Jesus when my heart was breaking.
I have cried to Jesus when my mind was causing me to doubt.
I have begged Jesus to comfort me when I was being beaten by hopelessness.
What other choice do I have but to beg Him to heal my body?

Lost and stubborn in my emptiness for so long, I insisted on abandoning hope to the futility around me. I passed myself out like flyers that get thrown in the gutter or crumpled up after the curiosity has passed. I gave myself to people who could give me the satisfaction of belonging to someone or something, even for just a moment. I lied to myself by saying that they cared for me as much as I cared for them. Abandoned to the recklessness of my environment, I gave up any struggle to free myself from the deadly chains that others wore with pride.

Then one night when I was eighteen and immersed in a world that celebrated every kind of darkness, I realized I had lost something so precious to me that the absence of it sent an agony through me that I couldn't bear. I had lost innocence. I had truly lost that oblivious human goodness we all only have as infants. Apart from Jesus (because I was apart from Jesus at the time), innocence was my only hope for salvation and I could never go back.

I called my mom at two in the morning that night and told her what I'd lost so we could mourn together. All I remember is going to sleep with shame and emptiness and no hope to be found anywhere. The next day, the anger started. I burned toward the people that celebrated the darkness and I viciously attacked them in my heart. Until finally my roommate and friend became the focus of my rage. In a heated yelling match he grabbed me by the throat and threw me against the wall, holding me there. I reached out and scratched his face, breaking the skin. He let go and both of us came to our senses a little. I grabbed the phone and called the police and he paced the house, fuming. The cop came and said he'd have to arrest both of us for domestice violence because of the scratch I left on his face. We agreed to drop it and I agreed to move out.

It had to be done. All of it did.
Because when I returned home the darkness followed me...all the way from Texas to California. It plagued my dreams and made me like a zombie. I awoke terrified one night and my parents prayed over me.

Finally, I sought truth and God. All my life I had prayed to Him without being sold to Him. This time I had to know! Who is JESUS? So I spend hours listening to tapes of preachers and reading Apologetics and the Bible. Every spare moment was devoted to understanding who He is. He represented hope and innocence, things that I still find the most precious of anything in the world!

It has been almost ten years since I began seeking Him. I have been healed of emotional darkness and been given hope every time I cried out for it. I eat His Word like a starving man eats at a banquet and the more I eat the stronger I become in His truth. He provides difficult challenges for me to test my faith and when I am victorious in Him, He celebrates with me. I know that a great challenge has been placed before me, greater than I expected. I thought for sure I would die young having learned so much already. But He knows it is a greater challenge for me to live. That is the greatest challenge of all. To actually live on the hope...just the hope. To rest in His innocent blood's salvation of my soul. To know that only that is good enough. Christ in me the hope of glory...

How can I believe that He would heal my body of what I brought upon myself?
How can I believe He wouldn't? He has done it so much already...
But this is different...this is my mortal flesh, my finite dust!

My greatest desire has always been to thank God face to face because this body seems so ill-equipt to give my thanksgiving justice! Words cannot express, songs cannot express, this flesh simply CANNOT express how grateful I am...how in love with Him I am. Whenever I try, my face leaks snot and my mind gets garbled and all I really want to do is remain hunched over with my face in my hands and cry. Nothing I do is expressive enough for what I truly know to be my gratitude. If that's all I have to give Him...I want it to be so much more than what this flesh can do.

Oh Lord,
You say to occupy until You come. You give us each an amount of faith to use until You come, Your word says so. Well, I am asking You to help me use it. I am holding this faith and my mind is telling me I need more, but You have given me at least a mustard seed's worth, right? I know You are capable, I just don't know if You are willing.
Matt 8:2, Mark 1:40, Luke 5:12

Matthew, Mark, and Luke all give an account of this exchange. It is so important to me that Jesus wanted to heal the man. Mark says 'He was moved with pity...'

Oh, compassionate, merciful God. Have mercy on me, a sinner.

Getting Perspective

2005-12-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

I can't fathom Him or His plans. His ways are not my ways and the clear answers won't be found in my brain. Though He speaks to me through His Word and He guides me through subtle nudges and not-so-subtle themes of my days, I am never positive of what He means.

I second guess most things in life. Mostly because I have a strong desire to know every situation. I wear a shirt that says, among other things, "No errors of ignorance..." It is a quote by Jeff Buckley who's greatest error was swimming in a severe rip tide area that killed him. He was ignorant of the fact that the area of apparently serene water he swam in had a frequent whirpool that surged beneath it with every giant tanker that when unnoticed in the distance. Ignorance killed him. And I wear the irony on my Jeff Buckley tribute shirt where he scrawled on a scrap of journal: "No errors of ignorance..."

Humans are always ignorant of something. We aren't omniscient and there for we have a finite capacity to observe. Some things go ignored, and we ignore them deliberately in order to focus on the things of great importance to us. Ignorance is only a matter of priority in observation.

I long for Heaven. I hunger with an insatiable ache to see my Lord and King. Not only to see Him, but to drink Him in with my eyes. But these eyes will pass away in the dust. It's with true eyes that I want to see. So I long for my true eyes, and my true imperishable body with which I can embrace Him.

I am an addict and bound by sick chains of selfishness. Slowly the Spirit of God has been freeing me from chains in His time. But I wouldn't know the meaning of it all. In my ignorance all I know is what new passion I have for flight. It's as if He allows the chains to weigh me down just enough so the breeze that passes under my wings heightens my desire to fly, but keeps me grounded. Or...

Am I being lazy? Am I huddled on the ground next to my cut chains with my head nearly buried in my fluffy feathers to keep warm? Or do I sense that there is not enough wind in the air yet, and though I must stay here beside my chains I am not really bound to them...I'm only waiting for that special current to glide on...

Eagles do not flap.
They soar.
Eagles don't manipulate the air like hummingbirds that dart back and forth. They eat hummingbirds as a snack. They are large and regal birds that wait for each perfect gust and when they are gliding, move their wings to slice through the atmosphere for speed and motion. There is nothing haphazard about the way an eagle flies. They don't fumble and hop like a crow in a trash bin or chirp and doggy-paddle through the air like smaller birds. I believe the Lord wants me to soar like an eagle.

So I can rest atop my post and watch as prey scampers or flutters or swims. And when the wind of the Holy Spirit comes and it is the current I was made to glide upon, I will spread my wings and all the people driving below will press their faces against the car windows saying, "Look! An eagle!" I will merely be doing what God created me to do and it will be wonderful to witness.

All praise and honor and glory to the One who created us!

Who God Uses

2005-12-01T05:56:00.000-08:00

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...AND
Lazarus was dead!

I didn't know Isaiah preached naked!!! I'm going to have to look that one up. It is actually encouraging the more flawed these great church fathers were! In church last Sunday Pastor Jeff was reminding us that Paul was short, bald, and had watery eyes. I don't know where he got that information but he's the one who went to seminary, not me. Paul was not at all like the way he was portrayed in that stupidest movie EVER about his life. The first scene has Paul and some other Pharisee being bathed and it shows their butts! Paul's this hot stud...pfft! I didn't even watch more than five minutes of that stuuuuupid movie. Hollywood butchered the truth again...what a surprise. Anyway, the truth is Paul was short, bald and had watery, blinky eyes (probably because he was struck blind at one time by Jesus). It makes a lot more sense since he devoted himself solely to Jesus Christ and never married. If he was more plain-looking it may have been that much more comfortable for him, who knows.

I am a pathetic, self-pitying, lazy dreamer. I think that makes me a pretty good candidate to be used, don't you? I am like Isaac, the daydreamer. I am like Elijah a lot of the time because I pity myself and want to die. I am worse than the Samaritan woman. I am nearly like Rahab. I would get along fine with Peter and not just because he denied Christ at one point.

I am not this stellar example of a Christian when you first look at me, or even when you first talk to me. It takes more than just a handshake and a once-over to really know if someone is truly a child of God. At first the person may look like a tweaker or like she had one too many jars of cake frosting. They may look like a quiet, hunched over homeless person who has a fifth hidden in the inside pocket. They may look like a biker, drug dealer, or hit man. In fact, that's what these people may have been at one point!

The ones I am wary of are the bobbed-hair, flowered dress, 2.5 children and a stepford smile people. Those people scare the crap out of me and my guard is up faster than you can say "white picked fence". First of all I most likely have nothing in common with them, and second of all they most likely feel sorry for me. I am the one who should feel sorry for them, if they are as china doll fake and breakable as they look. I stand before people looking like Jack Skellington's girlfriend in a Nightmare before Christmas and I am honored to have been patched up by God. I want to show people my stitching and places where I've healed and say, it's God amazing?! He took this dead, limp rag and sewed together a beautiful girl with a heart of flesh and the Spirit of His Son. Only God could do that, and all glory and praise and honor to HIM!

Dakota and Faith

2005-11-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

I saw a very wonderful movie last night called "Dreamer" with my new favorite actress: Dakota Fanning. It's gotten to the point where I'll watch a movie just because she's in it. I think I've seen them all! She, or her manager (parents?), really know how to pick the movies. But I think she may be getting too mature for some parts where she's suppose to be a normal little kid. Who cares! She's still my favorite actress right now. Who's my favorite actor....hmmmm. I'd have to say Johnny Depp these days. Not because he's hot, but because of the movies he's been picking. It's funny, we think that the actor is what leaves us inspired after a flick, when really it's the writers. Contrarywise, if you have bad writers and super-gifted actors you won't even notice the script. Some people can deliver ANYTHING that's put in front of them. Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts...they all have distinct delivery that makes it difficult for us to see them as anyone but themselves. How did I get off on this subject anyways? Like I know anything about acting...but I do know about 27 years worth of audience-ing. However, I think it's time to put this train back on the tracks I originally intended for it...

If anyone hasn't seen "Dreamer" and they like inspiring horse movies....DUDE! Go see it. It has a really great metaphor for faith. Sure, it's your typical believe-in-your-dreams message if you want to see it that way. But to me, they could have called that movie, "Faith Like a Child" and made it all about God. In fact, it saddens me that no one has the huevos to make a blockbuster movie with a blockbuster story, only the underlying message is faith in Jesus Christ! All these big, famous actors who can make anything happen and who can sell a "ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves", don't ever seem to make a well-written/well-made movie about faith in Christ. The Passion is the closest thing we have, and what a beautiful movie. But "Dreamer" could have so easily been about faith in God. They do mention God a few times by one of the characters, so it makes the movie extra special. Ultimately, however, one can't deny that the universal message was "Believe as a child believes and things will happen for you." That's fine, but believe in WHAT? The voice of New Age manifestation by concentration, truth-is-relative, make your own reality? The one that says smoothly, "You are all gods and if you believe, you can move that pencil across the desk. If you squint and believe like a child believes in Santa Claus, without a doubt...and imitate Far Eastern mouth noises... that pencil will move across the desk.... Ooooohmmmmmm."

I think it matters the most what you believe in. Truth is not relative and faith doesn't operate outside of truth. God's word is truth that will last as long as He does (see: eternally). Faith isn't projecting your own will into the universe and making it happen of your own resources. That's silly! Anything mankind has ever had to do, he's had to use his mind to reason and his hands to build. You want the impossible to happen? That's God's department. And He has given each of us the faith apportioned to us according to His perfect plan.

I keep hearing that demon in Acts 19-ish. The one dudes were trying to cast out demons by saying, "In the name of Jesus whom Paul preaches, come out!" One time a demon answered them saying, "Jesus I know, and I know about Paul. But who are you?" Then the man with the demon proceeded to beat the crap out of them. They ran away naked and bleeding and undoubtedly, with a changed mind about the unseen world.

Once I read a story about a man who was driving by a Fortune Teller's shop and got the whim to cast out the darkness in the place. So in the name of Jesus he pointed his hand towards it as he was merely driving by and cast out the demons. Not too long after, his fingertips started to bleed and this man was a guitar player. His fingertips bled for months with some rare disease, only on the hand that he pointed toward the Fortune Teller's shop. He writes that it was a warning against invoking the Lord's name frivolously. Belief and faith must come with waiting, praying, and sometimes fasting. The mind must be taken captive to the Bible's truth and the Word made flesh, Jesus Christ's Spirit within me. "You do not have because you do not ask." No, we don't ask but sometimes we think we can order God or demand from Him. What spoiled children we can be, trying to manipulate our Papa like every spoiled kid does. Only God loves us with a perfect love that reminds us of His authority. He wants us to partake in His will, but only on His terms and with his permission.

So, I want faith like a child. But I don't want to believe simply for belief's sake. The difference between faith in God and believing the impossible outside of God is merely this: DELUSION. Believing in the illusion is delusion. Believing in God and the power of His might through the sanctified work of Jesus Christ who's Spirit lives within me is faith. Resting and trusting in His open arms to catch me, is like a child being thrown into the air by her Father.

Soap Box: On Murder

2005-11-17T05:41:00.000-08:00

Right when I log on to AOL there is this little news window with world updates and the like. I see this exasperated picture of Saddam Hussein in court. Maybe part of his punishment is having to deal with the U.S. legal system of justice. He is probably praying for death, but instead he is being pushed around the media getting used as an icon of American hatred. Why is he still alive?!? That's the question I have. He is being tried for murder and he is a dictator who instilled fear into his people. We have conquered his country, why is he still alive?!?!

Am I being cold and shallow for wanting this man to die already? I don't think so. I don't think Saddam would think it was a bad idea for him to die, especially after seeing the look on his face. Let God judge him, send him to his Maker. Instead we are milking the image of his face like putting a scent in front of hound dogs and saying, "Sick 'em!" The media is saying, "Americans! This is what your foe looks like!" Great. I feel sorry for any middle eastern/hispanic/italian man who looks like Saddam "puppet" Hussein.

Last night the message was about capital punishment and I see why Christians believe in capital punishment. Simply put, there are worse things than death. But death is the punishment for murder, period. Otherwise disease falls upon the land, as it has. Why is there no room for more prisoners? If a man murders another person, he gets a good lawyer by the rich uncle and then it's "three hots and a cot" for fifteen or so years. No problem. We wonder why there is so much murder in the world. Nobody takes the law seriously when you can hire someone to lie and pull strings for you. Nobody takes authority seriously when judges wrist-slap convicted killers and stick them in a closed community of men for twenty years.

On the radio two days ago I heard a woman with a sweet voice talking about how abortion is a life saving act for women! So, killing that life saves her life from what, exactly? From the God-given gift of child-bearing and child-rearing? How is being a mother suddenly a life-threatening problem that we must save women from? Cold-blooded murder of a defenseless child is suddenly an act of valor... it's all messed up.

The scary thing is that people buy this stuff. The buy it, hook line and sinker and swallow it down with their morning lattes. Personally, I am baffled to the point of severe depression if I think about it too long. The people that run and fuel the machine that slowly puts out blinding darkness over the world have chosen whom they will serve. But they can change their mind right up until the last moment of their lives here, after that they are committed. My prayer is that when God grants me my hilltop upon which I will shine His light, He will guide a lot of those people to His light and strengthen the Kingdom for the end times.

By the way, my tests came back normal and negative...and Psalm 30 is my new Psalm.

May Jesus Christ grant you grace and peace from the Father. Hallelujah.

Get Up Soldier!

2005-11-08T05:23:00.000-08:00

So I ended up in this legal office pushing paper and answering phones. It is bringing out the pushy side in me. I don't give defendants a whole lot of chances. When they show their ignorance or they try to play it sweet and manipulate the system, I get cold and short and transfer their call to the woman they pay to be the jerk to them.

This woman is my boss and she is funny and childlike when she's not dealing with people who have judgments against them. I hear her yelling at those people and I want to tell her, "You get more flies with honey or whatever." But she's been doing this job for eighteen years and the office gets plenty of flies the way she catches them.

I was praying to God about quitting early and just using my time for music and prayer. I prayed about it and I feel like God is telling me to suck it up and stick it out. I don't have to be as big of a jerk as I have been being. On my PMS days I could burn an icy hole in people just by looking at them. I'm ashamed of that. The city is hard-edged and unrelenting and sometimes it presses me into its corners and I get like a rabid dog who's been trapped and wounded. But today I feel different. I feel calm and ready for whatever life should bring.

Night before last life brought me a huge sore on my face right next to my mouth. I look like I got punched and it ain't pretty. It's not a little happy pimple, it's a BOIL. I am about to go lance it with a heated needle so the swelling will go down and people don't think I got beat up. I feel a tiny bit like Job...a teeny tiny bit. But this life isn't about peaches and cream powdered beauty. It is about going through the sharpening and polishing of the Lord so we become assets to His Kindgom and not just fat grace-hogs. I realized I am still in spiritual bootcamp but I have been arrogantly thinking I was a higher rank than simply a private. I've never seen what goes down on the front lines; I've never been so close to death that the smell lingers on my clothes. I have heard action in the distance and seen soldiers coming back broken and in pieces, but only in books. I mean spiritually, I have read Dietrich Bonheoffer, C.S. Lewis, and watched the amazing account of Mama Heidi. All of them tell of battles where they were captains of the Lord's platoon. Bonheoffer vs. Hitler, Lewis vs. grief, and Heidi vs. African destitution. What will my life's battle be? It certainly won't be Diana vs. face-sore! Or Diana vs. cigarettes! Those battles are small, but Jesus teaches me how to be strong in Him through them.

My Pretty Pollup

2005-11-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

I finally got an inside look at my girl parts. The ob/gyn was kind enough to relay the info about them to me. I have a pretty little pollup hanging out in my cervix. Of course, given my previous history of cervical dysplasia and a strip surgery of cervical cells resulting from it, this pretty pollup could be nasty cancer. Either way, it is super enlightening to know my insides. Surgery would mean anesthetic and recoup time and that could be the end of it. Or I could have to go through chemo or a hysterectomy or even check out and buy the farm! I am amazingly calm. Why am I taking this so lightly? Am I in shock. Impossible. I know perspective and paradigm can change in an instant for any of us and I am not exempt. Until the labwork comes back and I go in for the ultrasound (standard for this office) of my uterus, I'm not going to know what is necessary. Still, the only thing I dread is quitting smoking. Nothing could be physically worse in my opinion, at least we know pain will pass. There is no guarantee that addiction will be gone forever.

I am trusting in God that He will prepare me for whatever. I have neglected my body and neglected gyno appointments for years so I am not surprised I have a happy little growth in there. The cool thing about disease is that it's God opportunity to miraculously heal or else strengthen a person's soul to handle dying. Nothing but good can come out of what God gives me.

But as far as ignorance goes, I am still healthy until the lab tests come back. I am just fascinated that I get to know what is going on in there. It makes me want to vist the doctor more often. They take my blood and put it under a microscope and stuff. That's rad! We are fearfully and wonderfully made and doctor's really have a COOL job, ya know?

Counterfeit Dream

2005-11-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

It was the end of the world. We could all feel it. The sky was calm but the ocean was getting bigger. I gathered all the people I could find who would listen and told them to follow me. I said to teenagers and old folks, "Don't you want to go to Heaven? Don't you want to see what it's like?!" So I led them into the ocean and the swells started rising ten and twenty feet. Somebody yelled, "If God wants us to walk here in the ocean, why are the waves threatening to kill us?" I pressed on and dove through waves popping up and yelled, "Perseverence!"

But we found ourselves in someone's backyard near where the ocean beat against skyscrapers that had been covered in mud and barnacles. I gazed out into the blue watching people in fine evening gowns and top hats run to caves to hide from the feeling of the end of the world. I looked across a dusty table at a fellow Christian sitting there and said, "Jesus will be coming back. He won't let us drown, He'll be back." I walked outside and looked up at the sky, I squinted and saw a speck floating there. Everyone started shouting, "It's Jesus!" He was coasting on the wind like He was on cables from Heaven and He had someone with Him.

A typical Jesus came floating to our little backyard group of people. Only this jesus had buggy eyes and his hair was greasy. I looked at him and my heart wasn't filled with joy or worship. I thought, "He's kinda fugly...or wierd looking." But I did believe it was Jesus, that's the bummer. Anyway this dream-jesus looked back at me, able to read my thoughts and said, "Do growths bother you?" I was like, "Excuse me?" He opened his mouth to show me an imperfection in his teeth and I shrugged, "I have a wire," and pointed to the inside of my bottom teeth, "See?" He smiled and nodded and I thought I saw his teeth move in a circle in his mouth, but it didn't freak me out for some reason.

Suddenly when I realized we would be going back to heaven with him I started to panic. The only thing I could think of was, "Where's my brother?!" I asked dream-jesus, "Where is my brother?" He replied, "Probably at home playing video games with his friends. He'll meet us up there soon enough." When he said that I knew he was talking about the tribulation and how my brother David would have to go through that and die. I was sad and needed a smoke. Dream-jesus knew my thoughts and lifted his own cigarette to his mouth. He then turned it around and handed it to me to smoke. This was his way of approving of my habit. I thought to myself, yeah...I will be getting a renewed body in no time anyway, right? But I couldn't shake the sadness of my brother behind left behind to suffer. It didn't seem right.

When I woke up I realized none of the dream seemed right, though I believed it was in the dream itself. I was disappointed when I woke up that it wasn't the end of the world and I had to go to work this morning. But I know that the second coming of Jesus won't be like that. He's not going to have buggy eyes and greasy hair and He's not going to come to any one particular group huddled in a backyard. He will come in power and glory and it will be so huge that it will make nations mourn. He will be more majestic than any king and it will send us to our knees in worship and reverence. My Spirit will cry out within me at the coming of the Head of the Body of Christ. And we will rise to meet Him in the air, not sit smoking in some backyard. Sheesh.

What is the most disturbing is that sometimes I want Jesus to return so badly I would almost sell myself short for a counterfeit. Because I want Him to come back I have to be careful that the enemy doesn't use that strong desire against me. I also want Jesus to condone my smoking habit so I don't have to suffer quitting. The greasy dream-jesus did approve and supplied the cig. The enemy had me fooled, but thank the Lord it was only a dream. Imagine if I had followed greasy dream-jesus to what he called 'heaven'. I would have had quite the rude awakening. Something like weeping and gnashing of teeth. There is a reason I never left earth with the guy. My heart was with my brother...

I suppose 'my brother' could be symbolic of the true Jesus even though I was really worried about my earthly brother, David. But Paul says that Jesus is the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. In my dream the only person I wanted to see was my brother. I think that shows that the Holy Spirit will keep my focus on the right things even if my body and mind are swept up in the lie.

I learned a lot from that dream...
1. People will follow me into the ocean if I lead them, don't forget to be humble and listen to the Lord. Teachers and leaders will be judged more harshly.
2. Don't be so eager for the return of the King that you fall for a counterfeit in your desperation.
3. If the liar is ok with smoking and will even supply the smoke, how do you think the true Jesus feels about it?

God is Compassionate

2005-10-31T05:38:00.000-08:00

To the Lord my God:

Your goodness is so great!
You have stored up great blessings for those who honor you.
You have done so much for those who come to you for protection,
blessing them before the watching world.
Psalm 31:19

Today I am thankful to my Lord and God for rescuing me from the darkness. I have found security many times in the shelter of His wings. He has blessed me before a watching world. His blessings on me will continue and I will continue to rely upon Him for protection, for everything I need or want. He is faithful and compassionate. Psalm 116:5 - "The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion." He loves to protect us and He loves to heal us. Just like a father loves to comfort his child, so God loves to comfort His children. Jesus is the first among many brothers and sisters. Romans 8:29 says, "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn, with many brothers and sisters. " NLT. I am being conformed to the likeness of Jesus because of Jesus' Spirit living within my spirit. Though I long to please God I have to admit, of myself I can never please Him. I can only run to Him as a little child and ask Him for things and worship Him as God. Jesus gave me His Spirit and He guides me: Isaiah 30:19 - "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will respond instantly to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and affliction for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes, and you will hear a voice say, 'This is the way; turn around and walk here.'"

Now if I could only get the change of mind and heart to finally quit smoking...
This I pray in Jesus name, amen.

Resting Assured

2005-10-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

It seems like everywhere I look these days I am seeing the mocking of God and His word...

I went to yellowpages.com and on the search page it says, "Seek and you will find..."
I was logging on to yahoo mail and it said,"Spammers giveth, spamgaurd taketh away..."

Those are just two of the things I saw on the net. But I see the bible mocked in car commercials a lot and cell phone ads. I will probably be posting them here as I see them.

Temptation to love the matrix of illusion that we live in. That's what we all face. I remember the part in the first Matrix movie when the betrayer guy is chewing on steak and he mentions how good the illusion tastes. He sacrificed his soul for the illusion and betrayed the hero of Zion. How often am I tempted to revel in the pleasures of the moment at the expense of my faith? Just today I was standing in line at 7-11 and I saw a magazine cover that said something about the secret thoughts men and women have during sex. I saw the enemy's cunning manipulation. It's not that I think that magazine was put there just for me to see, it was put there for all the empty women who rely upon it's shallow contents for answers. I was watching a sleep aid commercial and it seemed as though the little light-filled butterfly was the answer to the man's life. Just take this pill to sleep and you can quiet all the questions you have about why you are here. Some people wonder why there are here. But not if they are dosed...

Is advertising the enemy of my soul? Not really. But to a sensitive type like myself it is the details that haunt me. Right now I want to write about inspiration.

I have opened myself up to inspiration and the ice has begun to melt. My creative limbs are warming themselves from the outside and they tingle with needles. But the greatest warmth comes from the inside, where my creative heart has begun to beat again. The Holy Spirit is circling it like protons and neutrons building energy from infinity.

My guitar is a reminder that God wants me to play music. God's faithfulness brought me that guitar and my microscopic faith will learn to play it. I have been a toddler with a blueprint set before me and somehow I am suppose to build what I see. The only thing I could ever think to do was wrap the big sheet of paper around me and wave it in the air. A lot of people thought that was cool. But what they really wanted to see was the building set firm upon a solid foundation where they could come and visit it to learn and feel and be comforted. Jesus has been breaking my ego to keep me in check so I don't fling myself off of an eternal cliff. He has renewed my mind to the point where emotion no longer guides me. My intellect is slowly taking a back seat. He has taught me how to ccontrol my thoughts and not to compromise by allowing things that may be permissable, but not beneficial. All over my workplace the lawyers debate about current events with religious implications. The girls send eachother crass emails and hesitate sending them to me. I refrain from piping up to give my opinion. No, I remember that a man with few words is thought wise simply because he keeps his mouth shut. From the abundance of my heart, my mouth would speak. No compromise, this is my heart. I love my co-workers and pray for them because Jesus prays for me...

Bible Paste: On Spirit Fruit

2005-10-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. NIV

the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). AMP

when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. NLT

Love- Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever... 1 Cor. 13:4

Joy- Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, "This child will be rejected by many in Israel, and it will be their undoing. But he will be the greatest joy to many others. Luke 2:34

Peace- Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.

Patience-But that is why God had mercy on me, so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life. 1Tim 1:16

Kindness-Don't you realize how kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Or don't you care? Can't you see how kind he has been in giving you time to turn from your sin? rom 2:4 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance? rom 2:3-4 NIV

Goodness-If you are wise and understand God's ways, live a life of steady goodness so that only good deeds will pour forth. And if you don't brag about the good you do, then you will be truly wise! James 3:13 Then I called on the name of the LORD: "Please, LORD, save me!"How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! The LORD protects those of childlike faith;I was facing death, and then he saved me. Ps. 116:4-6

Faithfulness-"Even if you had faith as small as a mustard seed," the Lord answered, "you could say to this mulberry tree, `May God uproot you and throw you into the sea,' and it would obey you!" Luke 17:6

Gentleness, Meekness, Humility-You have given me the shield of your salvation. Your right hand supports me; your gentleness has made me great. Ps 18:35 Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Eph 4:2 And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Matt 18:3-5

Self-Control-Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. prov. 25:28 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1Pet 5:8

1Peter 1:5-7
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

Time is Short

2005-10-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

The term "You only live once!" doesn't apply to those who make Jesus Christ their Lord. So the attitude of "Eat, drink and be merry cuz tomorrow we die." simply can't be a Christian's philosophy. Does the promise of Heaven ever make me suicidal? I would be lying if I said no. But I am discovering a safe place for different lessons and new ways of having faith in God through King Jesus. I think it is beautiful that I long to be with my Maker. But I sense that I will be fighting suicidality for the rest of my life. It's like, "Jesus. I serve You. Please give me more to take care of in this life." Though my secret passion is His return for me.

In any case today is all I have, this moment is all I have. And though I may find myself pushing paper and blowing off pesky clients with white lies, in my heart I serve my Lord Jesus. I know that He calls me to attention in the events of my life. He sits upon the throne in Heaven awaiting my knock and my humble request. He longs to reply, "Even up to half the kingdom. Ask and it is yours."

Somedays I wish for an end to this life, but I think what I really want is to live the eternal life right now. It is possible because I read it in the bible, I think. Now if I could just remember where I read that...

Lord Help the Freaks

2005-10-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

Lord help me, I am such a freak sometimes. But He loves me and calls me back to Him when I wander off. It's a really scary thing to let go of God's hand. Especially after He has led you to a place where you only could have gone with His help. Then for some reason you let go. Maybe something distracts you or you feel an independent streak fill you with pride that clouds the mind. In any case, a few days ago I let go and found myself falling like a wounded eagle. I was pretty high so it took me a while before I realized I was headed toward the ground. When I saw it rising slowly below me, however, I panicked. Panic is never good for me. I flail and usually end up smacking people that are trying to help me. I realized that I had taken God out of the center and put Him on the fringes, I prayed and resumed focus on Him. Just in time, too. The wind came up under my wings and God lifted me just as quickly as we had fallen away.

It is so terrifying to lose faith. It happens so subtly. A commercial here, an insecure thought there. Little by little the lie creeps in until one day we are so unsatisfied and we have all these reasons why. If only I had this or if only God provided this. So we pray for things we don't need and then patience becomes about as easy as walking is to a lame person. Frustration and fear take over and we take a sickening look around at the world we live in. Depression and anxiety plague us. "Why God? WHY!?" is the predominate thought. No one is doing a good enough job, least of all your loved ones. It's got to be someone's fault that I feel this way. Then we find ourselves exploding on the very person we treasure the most. That's when, by the grace of God, He steps in and says, "HOLD IT!" He comes right up to me and opens my squinting eyes to the reality of where I have wandered to. I fall, broken, to my knees and repent. I suffer the consequences for my actions and praise the Lord for His mercy. And I hope that I will never again lose faith.

Nichole Nordeman

2005-09-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

This is one Christian artist who never fails to impress me. Not with her amazing melodies or her innovative chord progressions, those are pretty standard. But her lyrics and her anthems are so inspiring. I just picked up the new album called, "Brave" and anyone who has ever wondered about silly Christians should let themselves be enlightened by her insights. She's a simple-styled piano player vocalist from Tennessee who rocks and rolls with songs that stick in your heart. She never fails me. Each new album touches on themes that are so poignantly expressed. And she does a cover song on each album. This album it's the Bob Dylan song, "Serve Somebody" the last album was "Time After Time" by Cindy Lauper, I think.

One Bridesmaid of Ten

2005-09-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am standing here with nine other bridesmaids watching the small flame in front of me dance and point to Heaven. My heartbeat is powerful enough to make me sway a little and I stare intently at the walkway as dusk approaches. I have been given the great honor of watching for the bridegroom this day and the excitement overwhelms me. We all wonder when he will arrive.
The girl next to me yawns. I elbow her and whisper, "Any minute now."

"I'm not that tired, just a little sleepy," she says back to me, "Why are you whispering?"

"I don't want to ruin the moment when he arrives by having a loud conversation. I know how much you talk so don‘t get me started." I smile at her and give her another poke with my elbow.

She giggles and shoves me a little, "Don't drop your lamp."

"I have quite a firm grip on it, thank you very much."

~~~~~

An hour has passed and our whispers have elevated to loud stories about our lives. I knew it! Put ten girls together and make them wait and what do they do? Suddenly it's a contest to see who has the most exciting thing to say. One of the girls is actually standing in front of us gesturing and making faces. She's telling us something about when the bridegroom invited her to the wedding. It’s almost like she’s bragging, but I’m not going to say anything. I just look past her to show my eager anticipation. I can only think about doing my duty as a bridesmaid. I will hold tight to my lamp until we get to go inside with the rest of the wedding party.

After a while longer one of us decides to sit down and the rest of us follow suit. It does get a little tiring waiting so long. I wonder what’s keeping him. It must be important because, well, bridegrooms don’t tend to be late to their own wedding feast. Maybe we were early! No, it’s got to be nine o’clock by now. I am starting to think we might have the wrong house. I wish I could peek inside and see if they are set up for the feast yet. I can’t hear anything past the big doors.

The girl next to me has fallen asleep. She slides toward me cradling her lamp and rests her head on my arm. I think one girl is actually snoring! The girl that was telling all the stories has started twisting her fingers around her hair. Round and round and…

~~~~~

Trumpets! Oh my God, he’s here! Did I fall asleep? It’s got to be midnight! Well at least he finally approaches. I rub my eyes and try to get my bearings. It seems darker than it should be. Oh no. Why has my flame gone out? I look around and see the other girls getting up and straightening their clothes. A few of them have little pouches with…lamp oil! Oh thank goodness.

I pull the sleeve of the girl next to me, “Can I use some of your lamp oil? Mine has gone out and--”

“But I only have enough to keep the wick lit long enough to…Maybe she has some. I’m sorry.”

So I go over to the other girls and they all have just enough for their own wicks, too. I realize there are four other girls in the same predicament as I am. If we tried to stretch the leftover oil between all of us the lamps might burn out completely before the bridegroom even gets here. What kind of entrance would that be? It’s already a little darker than it should be without five of the lights burning.

“Go to the market and buy some more. Quickly!” It’s the girl who fell asleep on my arm. She’s shoving me this time with a loving urgency. The rest of the girls are already on their way so I follow after them. As we go, I can hear the trumpets getting closer and soon we are running…

~~~~~

The markets weren’t as close as I thought they were. As we head back I know he’s probably already arrived and we might have missed our chance to impress him. But we bought the oil anyway and now just having it makes me feel better. He’ll understand that we simply didn’t realize he was going to be late. I mean, if he was going to take so long he should have warned us or sent messengers or something. That’s what the other girls are talking about too as we carry our little pouches back to the feast.

The girl that was putting on such a great show for us earlier has linked arms with me and another girl. She’s going on and on about how well she knows the man of the evening. Bridegroom this and bridegroom that. You’d think she was the maid of honor!
I start to get hungry and we are only walking since we are all tired from running. I try to speed things up by suggesting we skip. Two of the girls sort of jog behind us and we laugh as we kick dust up onto their dresses. This is actually kind of fun. It beats sitting around…

~~~~~

When we get there the door is closed with no one outside. We all light our lamps and smooth our wind-blown hair. I step up to the door and knock loudly. There’s no answer. Did they forget about us? I knock again and the other girls join me. It’s a thunderous noise but I am not sure if it can even be heard through the massive door. But I think I hear something so I tell the girls to stop the hammering and I press my ear against the door.

“I can hear him,” I whisper, “I think he’s approaching the door.”

“Tell him we’re sorry.”

“Yeah, tell him we are just following his example by being late.”

They all burst into nervous laughter. I press my head into the dense wood of the door straining to hear. In my other ear one of the girls is saying to another, “We should find another party to go to. The way we are dressed shouldn’t go to waste.”

“Shhh!” I hiss, “He’s right by the door.” I slap it with the palm of my hand, “Sir! Open the door for us!”

There is a moment when I think I feel his hand go for the latch. Then a still silence creeps over all of us.

“I don’t know you!” He calls back.

I jerk my head back in disbelief. He doesn’t know us?

“There are five of his bridesmaids out here in the cold and suddenly he doesn’t know us?” The loud one has spoken. Now she’s linking arms with two other girls and they are leaving.

“You’re just going to leave? Just like that?” I ask.

“Why not? He doesn’t know us. So I guess we don’t know him! Let’s go.”

“But it’s dark…” My weak attempt to make them stay. As they prance off I notice that the wind has picked up and the moonlight is barely making it through the dark clouds that move past. Just then I see that my lamp has gone out again. No wonder it’s so dark. But I bought enough oil, it shouldn’t be out already. It’s a stupid lamp anyway and I throw it to the ground.

“Wait for me!” I yell and I leave the bridegroom. I will never know that at that moment he is standing by the door wiping tears from his cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~

written by: diana

Apocolypse Dream #149...

2005-09-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

I had a sort of nightmare last night. It didn't leave me with a panicky feeling like nightmare's use to do. Or maybe it wasn't a nightmare as much as just a dream. In any case, if I had a dime for every time I dreamt about the end of the world, I'd be able to buy something I really don't need that's expensive and shiny. What follows is the dream I had last night/early this morning:
...I was walking the Big Bear streets after all the power had been turned off and a plague had come over the world. People had gone to their roofs to die and now they were dead bodies baking in the sun. I was with my mom. The place we walked also looked like the culdesac I grew up on. She walked out onto Talbert Blvd to explore and I wrapped a blanket around me, covering my nose and mouth as if that would protect me from the plague, and chased after her. She acted more like a friend on an adventure than a worried mom. ...It was tempting to loot the little shops but I saw a teenage girl doing it and I was like, "It's a good thing you have that little knick knack now!" all sarcastic and bitter. The thought of stealing from the dead made me sick after I saw it happen first hand. ...Randy was in my dream too. He died this year, in real-life. He shows up now and then in my dreams. He was my boyfriend once when I was 15 and once when I was 17. He kinda symbolizes something in my dreams. I'm not sure what. Or maybe I just miss him and hate that he's dead.

I just wish Jesus would come back, already.

Glass Darkly

2005-09-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about the second coming today. I really hope it's soon. My soul aches for the day. I'd like to see it in my lifetime, but if I die before that day, I know I will rise and join Him in the sky before all the living. The dead in Christ rise first. But I won't do anything to speed my own death even though the thought of sleeping the time away until Jesus wakes me up is a pleasant one. It's more like a lazy thought, huh? I will follow His guidance and do what He puts in my heart to do even though I can't seem to understand what it means to live on this earth. I know I can sing and that I can get my priorities straight when I want to. I know that sometimes you have to just hold your breath and jump in, trusting that God has your back. I also see how easy it is for humans to obey every other master but the Original Master. The world is full of lies and for a creature that hungers after truth, it can be an utter wasteland. Sometimes I catch myself buying the lies just so I don't feel truth-starved for the moment. "Really? I really CAN be happy and fulfilled if I make that kind of money?" So I buy it and the very nature of lies is thin and sharp like broken glass. You went to reach for reality and instead you got "reality television" and now your knuckles are bleeding. Not to mention you have to replace the box before the kids wake up from their coma screaming for attention or Spongebob and your husband growls at the lack of Monday night Football.

We see now as through a glass darkly, then we will know as we are known. Perseverence for the Kingdom's sake is my path and dream now.

African Spiritual Expression

2005-09-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I go to church out here in SoCal I am sad that the expression doesn't look more like these people in Africa. Does the joy of the Lord only make us Americans sway a little and loosely clap our hands? If we don't feel the peace and joy of God's amazing grace while we're in corporate worship, when will we feel it?

I know it's not about feelings but I can't help reminding myself that I do feel. But bland guitar and falsetto vibrato do not properly express what I feel when I sing, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord O my soul!"
Maybe I need to join a different church. I am sure God will lead me to one when we finally settle. I don't even mind if I am the only one singing from my toes...well, that's not true. I do mind if I am the only one. I shouldn't mind, though. It's how I sing to the Lord. One day God may plant the zeal and courage in me to burst out in the middle of a sleeping worship service. People might get ad at first, or startled. But perhaps they will hear the genuine love I have for God and how He saves me and keeps me whole.